psychological abuse, physical trouble

j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Susan asks:

Dear Doctor Adams,

I sure hope you can help me. Please don't yell at me or call me stupid. That is my problem actually. Everytime I say anything, my husband yells at me and calls me a dumb pig. He belittles me for everything I do, especially if I dare to disagree with one of his bullheaded opinions. This has led to my having a nervous stomach, bloating with embarassing gas, and constantly noting but totally liquid, acid poop. Is there a medical reason for my husband's constantly demeaning behavior toward me?

Is it a mental disorder when men make derogatory remarks to people who question their authority? Am I wrong for considering running away from home and abandoning my husband and kids? Please don't call me stupid, sick, or criminal. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Sorry that Dr. Adams is no longer with us to answer your question.

I am even sorrier that I am quite possibly the LEAST qualified person on earth to give advice on how to deal with abusive, ass-holey husbands.

In the meantime, try some Pepto for the stomach problems, and start saving up for the lawyer.

Good luck to you!

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?

14 Comments on "psychological abuse, physical trouble"

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Take the kids and run! This man sounds like a real asshole! Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't mean he's not abusive. As my father was one of these people and I have met many men like him, I saw deep six him! Get out of there! And don't let your kids fall prey to his rantings either. Believe me, it stays with you for the rest of your life.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

PooperGal's picture

I agree with TSV. Your husband is abusive, and seriously. You asked if it's a mental disorder -- IMO, abusiveness is an expression of self-hate and sense of powerlessness. He can't abuse his boss, he can't abuse the cop down the street, but there you are, a willing target.

In fact, that you have been staying in an abusive relationship like yours is disturbing, because from your language it's obvious that you have low self-esteem too. That's why you take his abuse... on some level, maybe you think you "deserve" it. Well you DON'T deserve it.

Don't be the mirror image of your abusive husband. Get some self-respect, pack up your belongings and kids, and find a new place to live.

There are shelters for women in your situation. Maybe find one through a social services directory on the Internet or in your local phone book, or even on the bulletin board of the neighborhood health clinic. Or ask a clergy person you trust.

Many of these shelters offer job counseling, apartment placement and other services to get you on your way to independent living. Some even help you find pro bono (free) legal service to help get you divorced from the schmuck. So, if you are afraid of leaving because you think you can't support yourself and your kids, do some homework, find these services, and then when you have made arrangements, get outta there and begin a new life.

Good luck.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

I have nothing to add here.
You have got to lose this guy.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Daphne is not having the maritial problems, but read her thing in the forums. She talks about her stress causing problems. Stress can do amazing things to your bowels.

But I hope you took our advice and left this son of a bitch. This probably cured your bowels, if you listened.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Tell Him to F Off's picture

A wife rarely makes up so much stuff about an abusive husband. A wife relies on stability and romance and reliability.
When a husband abuses his wife he usually starts being kind to her afterwards - flowers chocolates and even a few hugs here and there. But you know what? It will take quite a bit of time for an abusive husband to learn to treat his wife with respect (if that is ever going to happen!). An abusive husband has failed to provide a home which is free of angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements and selfish demands. Until a husband can guarantee ( not a word he knows) that safe environment - keep away from him.You cannot afford to be confronted by the predictable mistakes he will make. Only when he has mastered the lessons of treating you with thoughtfulness and respect- should you consider the possibility of going back to him. An abusive husband has a lot to learn. At the end of the day the son of a bitch will be a lonely sad sorry little thing with either no one else to bully or another victim.
Verbal Abuse - Where the abusive husband does not accept anything as being his fault. He always blames his wife for everything.
Mood Swings - After abusing her he will try to make up for his behaviour by buying her gifts. It is the classic guilt and playing the power card to get the wife back in his good books. For example - where the husband abuses wife and then afterwards brings her breakfast in bed and gives her flowers.
Public Putdowns - where the abusive husband says derogatory things about is wife in public.
Last but definitely not the least:-
Physical Violence - As soon as the violence starts the relationship is as good as over. That is the time to leave - but you think it's just a mistake - until it happens again! and again! -It will!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

"For better or for worse," as perhaps your marriage vows said in happier days, merely verbal abuse that doesn't carry at least the implied threat of physical assault, battery, or similar domestic violence is not, in most jurisdictions, grounds for emergency court intervention.

However, words DO have consequences. I hope that, since we haven't heard from Susan in over two years, she was able to get the help she needed, but most people in this situation need a lawyer as bad as they need a doctor. A victim of emotional abuse needs to think her options through carefully: Where will I stay; what will I live on; how do I protect myself and the children? Who will help me!!

You need help. And help is there! The Salvation Army Safe House Program is one of the best in the nation in dealing with these situations and helping women and children with no place to go.

If nothing else, contact your local Department of Family and Protective Services. Any medical person, law enforcement officer, or school official can give you the number to call. If all else fails, PM me, The Dumpster, on this site. Although I am a lawyer with many years of experience in these kinds of matters, I no longer represent domestic relations clients. But I would be willing to talk with you offsite to find out where you live and perhaps give you a referral to some sources of help in that area.

But above all, don't lose faith in God, or in yourself. "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end..." (Jeremiah 29:11).

Anonymous Coward's picture

my boyfriend constantly calls me stupid. He has made me feel worthless. He wont let me out of his site. When I am, he screams at me. I am highly educated with a master degree, but have recently stoped working and have dedicated myself, which I know is stupid, to help him out with his new growing office. What should I do?

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

first of all, that's not really a poop-related question. but i'll go ahead and tell you what to do anyway:

dump his ass. if you're so smart, you should be able to figure that out on your own.
i love poop.

i love poop.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

" boyfriend constantly calls me stupid..." (emphasis mine)

Once should be enough. Get the hell out. It will only get worse.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Hi Susan. Yes, get some Pepto. Then by ALL means, take the kids and run! Like TSV says " Just because he don't hit now, don't mean he will". As a matter of fact, most physical abuse begins in the form of verbal abuse. I've been there.

Also, be very weary of what this man can do. If he cannot accept rejection (when you leave him), he can do something really bad. I took psychology, so I understand what can happen.

I wish you nothing but the best outcome Susan.

Good luck.
Born to clog your bog, with a giant log.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Scared & Stupid's picture

Abusive Husband gets order of Protection against me but doesn't serve me until 12 weeks later, we were dating..having sex and he agreed to see counselor. Then when I was served, he told me it was a mistake he quashed that order when he asked me to quash mine against him. If I called the court to verify he said that would show I didn't trust him and I have to get over "my trust issues" or else. He threatened to hurt & maybe kill me....make it so I'd never see my grandkids again! He wouldn't allow me NOT to see him or he'd come over and hurt me. Then he said it didn't seem like I really loved him anymore...I had to prove to him within 2 days that I couldn't live without him, I'd kill myself without him in my life. I had to convince him of this or he'd come over and "beat some sense into my stupid head and as small as I've gotten he'd probably wind up killing me" when I didn't convince him enough that night by calling him like I was ordered to do, he called the police and filed charge of violation of order of protection AGAINST ME! I have e-mails of his threats and some witnesses, even proof he went to a hotel with me after I was served, phone records showing he called me as many as 20 times in 1 evening. I'M SCARED...ANY ADVISE?

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

Hi scared and stupid, don't know if your post is real but if it is here's my advice. Most communities have a shelter or protective facilities. While you may NOT be in immediate danger they have trained professionals that deal with situations like yours on a daily basis and will be able to guide you in the right direction for your safety and mental health and well being. My ex works at a facility here and from many discussions with her your problems are something they are well equipped to handle. Usually these facilities can be found under shelter in the yellow pages and it will list a phone number but no address. Call them and I'm sure you will get the help you need.

Now, how are your bowels? Anything we can use here????

Ygdrassil's picture

A lot of people, male as well as female, have actualy no clue they are verbaly abusive or are making derogatory remarks. Most of the time they are just repeating a patterns which has been passed on by their parents, and that is all they know. To break that cycle, it requires a lot of personal effort, understanding and insight. The first and most important part of the 'corrective process' is to recognize the problem, the second is to seek professional help like for example marriage counceling. If one of the partners refuses to go to marriage counceling in order to correct the behaviour, then it is time to split up and leave, because eventualy someone will be hurt severely. Marriage is a lot of work and some people never learn. I recommend reading following articles:

Good luck to everyone who wants a healthy marriage and is willing to work on it every single day of their relation.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Thanks for that; that could be very helpful to people!

The only exception I take to the above post is the part about "...If one of the partners refuses to go to marriage counceling in order to correct the behaviour, then it is time to split up and leave..."

I'm not sure that's the bottom line. If your spouse won't go with you to counseling, go alone.

This proves that PR is about more than just humor.

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