can't wipe, can't afford a bidet...

j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Rick asks:

I am not fat, fat, but I am about 45 lbs overweight. I've had back surgery and
now I find it hard to keep my ass clean after the poo. I am also poor and cannot
afford a 145-1200$ bidet installed. What are my options? Thanks.

Dear Rick,

You're in luck! There is a device specifically designed with you in mind. It has been featured and mercilessly plugged on this site for quite some time.

I believe it is about $100. There is a travel version that sells for $65, so if you wouldn't even shell out the $100 to destinkify your ass, perhaps you could make do with the cheaper one.

If even THAT is too much, there is always MintyAss.

But I believe you get what you pay for. Good luck with your ass!

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?

20 Comments on "can't wipe, can't afford a bidet..."

Turd Hugegrunt's picture


Your problem is a common one in the U.S. where a growing number of citizens are becoming fat, lazy, and disabled.

Fortunately you have several options for cleaning your fat, stinky ass. I'll offer two at this time:

1) Shower after dumping. Reach around and scrub that stanky, sticky gunk off your ass. If you have trouble reaching around, buy yourself a toilet brush and hang it in the shower for scrubbin' your ass crack. (Occassionally dip the brush in some sort of disinfectant that your fat ass is not allergic to.)

2) Grow a large patch of dense Burmuda grass in your lawn near the back door. When you finish poopin', go outside and drag your shitty ass across the grass like a dog.

Rick, I hope these options work for you. If not, please let us know so we can work on other ideas. The last thing we want is a fellow pooper waddlin' around with a stanky ass crack.

Peace in the poopchute.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Yeah, Turd is right.
A shower after shitting is in many cases BETTER than a good amount of TP-ing the hole.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Try sitting on the sink and running water over your ass. That works pretty well with my million wipers. And it's cheaper than buying a bidet.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Experience Asscleaner's picture

After you have a baby you can't wipe so they give you a squirt bottle to squirt your butt clean with warm water. So, go up to the dollar store and buy those cheap ketchup/mustard bottles with the pointy tips and squirt away. It's the cheapest alternative yet!!

Sparkling Knot's picture

For the price of a daily dognut you can buy a butt washing maching that fits on your toilet called a Spaloo. It will clean your fat ass and it even feels good. Of course you will have to step up your pan handeling in order to afford one, or you could just cut out buying your daily Big Mac for a year.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Well, sure, Knotty, but the question was what are the OPTIONS. We're looking for ideas with creativity, here!

Rick, I suggest a visit to the 99 Cent Only Store. Buy yourself one of those squeezey bottles for condiments. I think they're made by Table Craft.

Fill that bad boy up with warm water before you sit down, and squirt away your troubles.

Poonanza's picture
l 100+ points

Hire a tiny man in a spiffy suit to swab the decks upon completion.

Aged P's picture

There seems to be quite a variety of bidet seats available nowadays.
Can anyone share experience using a booster unit with a bidet seat? We need to accomodate a frail elder who has trouble getting up from the low toilet and would benefit greatly. Comments on ease of use for would also be welcome. Thanks!

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Take a bath after your daily constitution.

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points

This goes back to an older thread, it's easy, just hose your ass down with the showerhead, and it tickles too!


whats that smell?

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Just go to your local car wash on all fours. Be sure to tell them you want the exterior wash only. If you're real fat you may have to pay the SUV surcharge. You'll not only be clean all over, but will get a nice hand dry by a bunch of illegal aliens.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

PD, thats so cruel!!! ;) but bloody funny, too.
I have an idea for Rick that might help him lose weight and keep his manhole clean in the process.
Step 1: Get hold of an old racing-bike (bicycle).
Step 2: Mount it to a solid fixture, with the back wheel off the ground.
Step 3: Remove seat and seat-stem.
Step 4: Glue a long strip of Astroturf around the perimeter of the back tyre.
Step 5: Climb onto bike, sit on cross-bar, and start pedalling.
Step 6: Slide backwards along cross-bar until the rusty sheriff's badge comes into contact with the spinning Astroturf.
Voila! Nice clean butt crack!
(A garden hose could be rigged up to dribble water on the Astroturf to prevent friction burns from over enthusiastic pedalling).

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Nice idea Mr. Mullet. I have always recommended going to the nearest tire shop and wait 'till they are doing a high-speed balance on a knobby tire. Just distract the operator and back that dingleberry patch in for a thrashing.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Or just straddle a hedge and run like the dickens.

Blatantly lifted from a long ago PR story, but I liked the line so much I use it where applicable.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Anonymous Coward's picture

if you're a man who is 45 lbs over weight you are fat fat. it's not like you need it there for child bearing so you are a fatass. the truth must be told.

Dildo Baggins's picture
l 100+ points

Just do what I do with my mother-in-law. Wait till you get to stinking so bad you can't stand it then load up into the back of a pick-up truck and get driven through the car wash. I find the $4.00 standard wash without the wax application washes shit off just fine._______
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin' , trying to give birth to another Texan!!

Look out for Number 1, but don't step in Number2

Original bidet bottle's picture

There will be a new product coming soon, end of summer, early fall. See it on web at Interesting reading. Will be priced cheaply and a worldwide alternative to TP.

KawaiiUnchi's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

There are a number of bidet attachments for your toilet available for under $50 these days, I've seen some as low as $15 - $30. Look on ebay hand held bidets seem to be the cheapest but I don't recommend these if you can afford an attachment type for a few bucks more. Hydrojet is like 30$ bucks along with a few others I dont remember of the top of my head. But if you can afford a little over $100 I'd go for a Rim Bidet because its out of the toilet, and doesn't require any drilling to your seat.

A good buttsink shouldn't be the answer when you can't wipe, wiping should be the answer when you absolutely can't buttsink.

grilledcheeseasscan's picture

It helps if you pull down your pants and undies. Shitting in your pants stinks.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I saw an ad the other day for a stick about 15-18" long with an attachment for holding toilet paper. The user holds it behind and wipes the anus; then there is a little switch that drops the used paper off. Dr. Leonard's? Some catalog like that. Such a stick would help with a difficult reach.

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