how to wash your hands

j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

John asks:

Hi pooooooooooooonurse!

I took a dump the other day and had to conserve the toilet paper because it was almost out. I only used one square of paper at a time to wipe my ass, so, as a result, the shit soaked through and touched my fingers. My question is this: how exactly should I wash my hands...? I haven't washed them yet because I'm waiting for your response.

Dear John, (I've always wanted to begin a letter that way...)

Let's talk for a moment about PREVENTION, shall we?

Exercise a little foresight, and try to keep one roll ahead at all times. (I have an excuse for running out of TP: our Great Dane keeps eating the rolls as quickly as they are hung. But I doubt you have a similar excuse.)

But what's done is done. Your hands are soiled, as is virtually everything you've touched for the past week. There are invisible poo-germs all over your house and your girlfriend. Hand washing is now the least of your problems, but here goes a handwashing tutorial, suitable for printing and posting on your bathroom mirror in case you forget the complicated steps involved:

  1. Turn on the water. Usually a combination of hot and cold water is most pleasing. But it really doesn't matter to the germs. Cold or hot, the principle works the same.
  2. Put your hands under the water. Rub your hands together a few times until they are sufficiently wet.
  3. Use soap. This oft-forgotten step is fairly important. Soap will loosen the errant brown debris (now hardened from waiting all week for my answer) from your filthy hands. Antibacterial versus regular soap does not matter, either. It's more about just getting your hands wet and soapy.
  4. Rub your hands together briskly for at least fifteen seconds. Sing a little tune to help the time go by. Think about world peace. Make major, life-altering decisions. This is YOUR time! Use it wisely.
  5. (extremely tricky part) Dry your hands first, THEN turn off the water with either a paper towel or the bottom of your shirt. This step is admittedly more important when out in a public bathroom, but I figure for you, John, the practice might be a good thing. You don't want to get your hands all clean, only to dry them off and then touch the filthy, disease-ridden faucets with your spanking clean hands.

If you ARE in a public bathroom and you have to touch the doorknob upon leaving, try not to think about all the dirty, disgusting people (like someone who walks around with crap on his hands for a solid week) who use the facilities, touch God knows what, and then leave without washing THEIR hands. You could use a paper towel to open the door, and then throw the towel on the floor, but I think that might be a bit advanced for you. I think we're lucky to get through the handwashing part.

Good luck, John. Let me know how it goes or if you need any more help.

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?

10 Comments on "how to wash your hands"

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

And, disinfect your computer keys, now!

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Uh-hu. Okay, John. Time for the funny farm.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

freakazoid's picture

Hey Cheney! Bush has been playing on the computer again!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Is it my imagination, or has this letter been repeated in three different places?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

adhocreporter's picture

Hi. Here is a video that shows you how to wash your hands after using the bathroom. Its quite informative Washing your hands video

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

That was very cool! I cranked up the volume and the kids were doing the "hand scrubbie dance".

Okay, I know, I know. It's weird. But we have a 2-year-old. You take your lessons where you can get them!
Santa Caca!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Funny! One of the best PooNurse threads ever. Goodness, how I miss her!

PoooooooooNuuuuurssseeeee! Where aaaaarrreeee yooooouuuu?????

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

Did any Poopreporters find out where she disappeared to? I know Motherload has taken over. Update please.
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Anonymous Coward's picture

So washing your hands after touching your crap is good enough after all huh? That's good, because I used burning water as well after that slip up with the that paper.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Unfortunately, when my poop is anything but solid (which is most of the time...), it stinks to high heaven. Unless I take a full shower after I poop, I'm unable to get the smell of foul feces off of my hands. Does anybody have a sure-fire way of getting a nasty shit smell off of one's hands?

Post new comment

  • Allowed HTML tags: s:62:"<em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd> <br>";
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.

More information about formatting options

This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.
Enter the characters shown in the image.
To prevent automated spam submissions leave this field empty.