itchy itchy itchy

j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Winnie the Poo asks:

Since about twenty days ago, I've had this weird sweaty-burning sensation in my butthole all day long, and the itching is killing me (scratching 24/7 is not nice...). Please tell me -- am I going to die?? What did I do to deserve this? And most of all, how can I get rid of it?

Dear Winnie,

First of all, relax. An itchy bunghole is rarely fatal, unless you resort to extremes such as using a blowtorch or power sander.

You can first try simple measures, such as using gentle baby wipes to clean the area after each visit to the bathroom; wearing old lady cotton underpants (or loose cotton jockeys if you are a guy, which I hope you aren't if you are signing yourself Winnie the Poo); and using (sparingly) baby cornstarch in the area.

If these things don't help, go see a doctor. You might have yeast or something down there.

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?

169 Comments on "itchy itchy itchy"

Winnie the Poo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Sorry I'm late to thank you. A little hidrocortizone and all your recommendations worked out perfectly. I feel I can walk freely again, though the blow torch was a tempting idea!!

karen's picture


The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

If this ever happens again DO NOT scratch it!!! This is asscrackitis and it wants you to scratch it. The more you scratch, the more it itches. Those butt demons will laugh.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Fart Vader's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

This reminds me of an old chinese saying that governs my life: He who goes to bed with itchy anus wakes up with smelly finger...

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points

Q: What do you do when your ass itches??

A: Wash it!

Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

Bunghole In the Jungle's picture
l 100+ points

Poop Shooter: Would you like that shower head on multipulse or medium stream......

keeping the whack in tally-ho...

Anonymous Coward's picture

my fart pipe is raspin like a clackit flap, its not unusual but latley i have been able to play a little tune on em! Im quite pleased with my efforts, and wanted to share it with you.

Bubble Yum BubbleBum's picture

Wankus. Wankus=anus. My butt is itchy too. Itchy stink as itchy do. Wowo! I'm just flying high tonight, Poopies! I need PP for my bunghole. Help!
I love to chew...Bubble Yum BubbleBum

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

Sounds to me like the early stages of hemmorhoids.

Try Preparation H. If it persists, see a doctor.
"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

i once had itchy ass's picture

ok this site works wonders! i had this terrible ass itch that would come and go like a fart in the wind....i would scratch mostly at night and sometimes woudl scractch my skin raw, to the point of bleeding and then the skin would stay moist andhave this weird odor....this went on and off for two years....i finally manned up at put some alcohol on a cotton ball and bit down on my teeth and put that ball on my anus and YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE ass turned into a rocket....i fell to the ground screaming and ass was on FIRE! i held that ball in there until the burning stopped...i had to wipe tears frommy eyes......i continued this for 1 week....and now...guess more ass itch!!!!!!!!!!!!! thank you so much my fellow ass scratchers...for this one is no ass scratcher any more....DO THE ALCHOHOL and COTTON BALL>....IT WORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! just be ready to fly to the moon when you do it!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that there is no substitute for proper medical attention.
Hey! Don't touch my wenis!

itchyassrelieved's picture

omg the alcohol trick works like a charm! just after reading this, i went and tried it. i've never fet a pain like that before in my life ! but it worked, and i am relieved. thank you !

The Incredible Butt's picture

anyone crazy enough to use rubbing alcohol and a cotton ball to thier anus is definitely out of thier mind. You got an ichy ass, try changing soaps (I prefer that you use a soap with no perfumes or dyes - shea soap worked wonders for me). I also would suggest that you towel pat your buns when wett or let the booty air dry.

Shoving Meats in the Butterhole's picture

I once suffered from that horrible buthole erosion they call "Itchy Anus" it was about 2 years ago and i would always feel wetness and irritating reactions to my butterhole and guich area then it started to itchy with extreme measures as the time grew on untill one day i couldnt take the dumper pains and i poured a hot can of cambell soup down my meatscoop and the dumper was cured of all the pain. I prefer cambells but american choice would be fine to.

Poo de Grace's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Dear "I once had an ichy ass",

Waking up with blood, shit and assmeat under your nails can't be fun.

I haven't laughed that hard since I read Gasputin's last post. OMFG! Rubbing alcohol? Witch Hazel or peroxide are far less painful. Trust me. I know. I got some on my "hyna" once because I had razor bumps in the bikini area and thought it would be a good idea to keep the area disinfected.

Someone's screaming My Lord, KumbaYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Never again shall rubbing alcohol touch my mucus membranes. Monkey's must be flying from my ass first.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

"Assmeat!" Ah, ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

Okay. You may lame me now.

What if everyone farted at once?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Is it safe to use rubbing alcohol on the anal area?

shit disturber's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

RUBBING ALCOHOL?! ARE YOU SERIOUSE?! no, ok just no. first off, if your bum itches and rubbing alcohol cures it, most likely you have a dirty buttcrack(commonly known as "swamp ass") and washing would be MUCH less painfull. secondly if its been itchy for years non-stop SEE A DOCTOR! it may be hemrroids(my dad and boyfriend both have them and they complain of itchyness,discharge,ect) save yourself the agony please!

IPooFreely's picture

I have been on this brown gem of a site trying to figure out a cure to my itchy ass and i must say I've seen much more intelligent solutions than any of the doctor's i've seen. To ALL of the responses that say, "GO SEE A DOCTOR!,"....well I HAVE, several in fact...even a dermatologist. I now have a group of professionals in the area whom I've paid to look at my brown eye. Yay!

I can't speak for every doctor but for the most part they simply give you anti-itch cream that is full of shit (no pun) which probably makes the itch worse. I've had prescription strength hydrocortisone cream and it doesn't work.

I don't think people understand that magnitude of itch we're dealing with here....this is CLASS 5 itch...which brings me to my next point, to those who say "DON'T ITCH IT!" The only way I'm going to stop itching is if my arms get chopped obviously don't understand what we're going through man!

I will finish up by saying I am a very clean healthy (married) male who washes every day. I've used the wipes, I've cleansed gently, I've changed my soap, I've air dryed, I've used the friggin creams and lotions and this mother is still pissing me off....4 yrs later!

....Desperate conditions call for desperate measures...I'm on my way to try this cotton ball, alcohol (OK, I'll try peroxide first) fire in the hole trick....If that doesn't work, blow torch it is.

dunghole maximus's picture

Had a serious dose of itchy-arse-itis there a year or 2 ago. tried everything, creams the works.. convinced myself i had a dose of tropical worms picked up in india so i ate pumpkin seeds non stop. didnt do anything. eventually it just stopped?? dunno. think its related to wheat and drinking tons of Ale

ITCHYBUM's picture

i only get itchy anus when its the evening and i get ready for bed. i get into my shorts after having a shower! it starts to itch.
i cant stand it. im 18 and have diabetes. it doesnt help that i have constant loose bowel movements too......please anyone can you help me????

Brown-eye's picture

The Latin term for an itchy arse is "Pruritus ani". The condition is fairly common. Causes may include hemorrhoids, a yeast infection or irritation from one's own fecal matter. Another reason may be flexural psoriasis in the groin. A visit to the doctor is required if the symptons persist but immediate relief can be obtained by using a mild antispectic cream such as Savlon.

goin to make your brown eye blue's picture

just letting you know my ass has been ichy for few days just got worst tonight,washn didnt work tried vinegar still iched alittle so bugger i tried the hard stuff tripple stilled volka well ass felt good after tht any more b shit it gets another drink...trustme

smith's picture

Hey Winnie the poo! Get the foil brush and don't have any mercy for your ass ! Good luck ! narconon vista bay

Anonymous Coward's picture

Alcohol "works"!!! It comes back, though. Bite the bullet real early, as soon as you start to get that nasty shitsweat lubrication. Put it off, you will pay. It hurts the first time, you get better quick, it hurts less the next time.

ItchyBooty's picture

My butthole is itch as hell. I keep scratching it but it keeps getting worse. Im scared 2 try achole but i gotta try sumthn

RUMP ROT's picture


MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

My best cure for itchy anus has been Noxzema on the last bit of toilet paper when wiping. Almost always works; little or no pain in use; it just feels cool and good.

Ass itchy ass can be's picture

I'm gonna go for the alcohol too. Last resort is telling a poor nurse my arse is on fire and spreading it for the dr. (although he does get paid enough...) i will if i have to but we'll check out the alky first.

thanks fellow ass scratchers, you're the shit

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Try a wire brush. It'll get rid of the itch and pop that hemmy at the same time. Of course, you'll probably end up in the emergency room with eternal bloody ass, but what the hell!

Born right the first time.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Chico local's picture

I gets an itchy bum when a stormheads about to get up on the horizon. Also, I gets a tingling itch there when there is a big delta breeze. I usually tell my friends there's a big storm coming in, but I don't let on how I know! Also, one time me bum started itching right before an eartquake.

Anonymous Coward's picture

this post is epic. i had a class 4 bum itch and i was growing my nail out to itch the dickens out of it. then i tried washing my butt crack and it worked!

Anonymous Coward's picture

As I type this, I have my left hand plucking my ass crack like a butt harp. The skin is flaking and dropping on the floor forming a "soft mat" on which to walk.

I'm 38 now- male and married. I have had I.A.S. (Itchy Ass Syndrome) since I was a kid in varying levels of scratchdom. It's no joke as one writer put it- "You don't know what kind of scratching we're taking about." If I didn't scratch it, I'd go into convulsions.

Sometimes, ther eis no itch until I am "horozontal" in bed then the tingling begins on my ass crack and balls. I have "sleep scratched" my ass and balls to the point I have a pile of "ass crumbs" on my bed sheets. I have to wipe them on the floor in the moring then go get the vacuum cleaner.

I tried hydro-quack cream to no avail. I self diagnosed as a "fungus" and tried Lotramin AF and all it did was burn like hell and peel all the skin off my nuts after 24 hours like old shrimp shells. It was fun to peel my balls though.... Nice new pink balls to scratch.

I also wash WELL - scrubbing and using different soaps, drying my ass crack and wearing boxers too.

I noticed some people SAY tried the rubbing alcohol, but I didn't see ALL their replies or whether it worked. Maybe they're still screaming ???

As a matter of science, I will try it and get back to you all. Today is 4/29, 2008. If you hear a scream , it is me.

Also, for me, the "sweaty ass" aspect of the ass scratching I have is the new "soft ass" skin growing in over what was just scratched off. This new skin is soft and scrapes off on fingernails and into rolled dingleberries.

My wife said my ass crack (near the bung and top) looks scarred and horrible and she's not worried about my being violated if I had to go to prison. None of the guys would want me to be their "Melissa" after seeing my crack.
WHEW !!!

Not pretty, but that is it.

Happy scratching until next time.


Fingernail Fun's picture

All things have been tried for this itchy spinkter and besides a long sharp fingernail the best result to satisfy the itchin has to be the alcohol swab up the ahole trick just stuff it up a little and go to sleep the initial pain is kinda like sticking a hot shishkabob skewer up your butt, but the result is worth the pain no more itching and I have a free hand for the rest of the night to focus on other things.

Butt Scratch's picture

Good LORD! I just tried the alchohol trick and it made me drop to my knees and shed a tear. The burning was intense. Now I just feel burning, but the itch is gone! YEAH!

Ken Turetzky's picture

I'm already represented on this site for one catchy pop tune ("Her Shit Don't Stink"), but this thread demands a theme song.

Kindly select the link to enjoy "My Fat Ass Itches".

Thank you.

Ken Turetzky

Eclipsed's picture

Just tried the alcohal. I layed on the bed for about 10 minutes yelling into a pillow. The worst part is, that it hurts so freakin bad that you want to tense up every muscle in your body, but when you tense up your ass cheeks.............It squeezes MORE alcohal from the cotton.............Which brings more pain. I'm still recovering from the burn, but the itching is gone!!!

Should this fix me for good, or will I need to keep burning off my asshole?

pain in the butt's picture

I am tired of all this itching. I'll feel fine and then boom! I feel the itch come on and sometimes I can't stop until it bleeds. I get skin flaking off and my ass crack. My ass must only be scar tissue by now. I have tried lots of diffrent things and recently I tried purell even before I read about the alchohol idea. Purell is Ethyl Alcohol 62%. I have not tried again becasue of the burn, but after reading the posts here I'll try again. This is going to be great if it works becase it is somewhat like a gel when you put it on The purell should apply really well. I let you know how it works.

Witch Hazel's picture

Take it easy with the alcohol on the anus, you lunatics!

Just swab the area with a cotton pad dipped in some witch hazel. Repeat as necessary.

The important thing is to keep yourself clean down there!

SCRATCH "N" SNIFF's picture

Been scratching since 2003 and still going strong. Theres nothing like a good decent scratch to get the eyes rolling back in the head, the skin flying everywhere. But the pain after mmmm well not so good... I am a class 5 easy, instead of creams from the doctor how about an power sander or freddy krugers hand... I mean im sure the cat can use it as a scratching post... I have to say though my experience in itchin has been quite the experience, late nite finger crawls, rubbing back and fourth on the couch so my friends wouldn't know, worst would have to be the crippen itch at your ex-girlfriends house, when you just gotta scratch, you go for it and dam do you go for it...I just say i had a nightmare some alien was trying to crawl up my arse... All said and done, seen doctors, tried enough creams to open my own shop... Gonna try the fire blaster soon (alcohol) if not, well then im a proud owner of a arse that looks worse then a 90 year old vagina... Pass me that angle grinder please... :)

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I have this Avon Foot Cracked Heel Cream. It's got anti-bacterial agents in it and a good amount of lidocaine. There's no reason it shouldn't work on your butt.

I hope someone tries it and tells us how it works.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Daphne, I would just be sure to clean the tip thoroughly before applying to said bunghole. Do you have any idea how many germs are on the average foot?

Arse On Fire's picture

I have been itching and scratching for years. Like others I have tried a million creams and now an anti-fungal powder.
Nothing works. Tons of doctor visitis.
I am about ready to try this alcohol. But maybe this which hazel first. I don't know if I have the courage to have my ass burn like that.
But if it really works It will be worth the pain.
I'm 28 and sometimes I actually resign myself to thinking...oh well I'm getting older, I'll just have to live with this until I die.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

AOF, (bells ringing, sirens wailing) you are the lucky recipiant of one of my rare serious comments. You probably have a hemmi, and witch hazel will help. Douse up some paper towels, shove it where the sun don't shine and hold it in for 30-60 seconds. Witch hazel doesn't burn near as much as alcohol and will relieve the itch. If your doctor has not been able to tell you this, you should consider a new one.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I am eternally amazed that, in this land of ample educational opportunities, so many think that "itch" is a synonym for "scratch".

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Arse On Fire's picture

I tried the witch Hazel. If this burns less than alcohol I can only imagine that using alcohol is like sticking a blow torch up your ass!
When I applied this witch hazel I was running around my apartment screaming like a fire engine.
It did temporarily help with the itch and irritation but just temporarily.
Has anyone ever tried an anti-fungal pill like difluken for to cure the itchy butt?
It is something my wife suggested that apparently works wonders with female yeast infections.
Oh by the way, since I seem to be unable to control scracthing in my sleep, I am going to go to bed with winter gloves on.
What a calamity my life has become.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Do you mean Diflucan? I'd give that a shot if I were you. The yeast in a woman's hoohoo is treated differently than the yeast elsewhere on someone's body - you can't use something for internal membranes and get results on external membranes. Treating it like athlete's foot might help.

See your doctor and ask for a skin culture if he or she can't for sure diagnose your trouble. Maybe you can get a referral to a dermatologist.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

AOF, sorry the witch hazel only helped a little. (the fire engine thing was pretty funny) Since I don't have a hoohoo, I suggest you take Daphne's advice.

BTW, if things do get better, you might want to contact my museum with those winter gloves.

mr babboon's picture

i just did tha alkahole jazz and it has relieved it a bit, arse and balls, its just worrying that i gotta keep repeatin it, i got 2 stage where ronson gas refill and zippo lighter seemed like a good idea, desperate measures for a desperate man, sex life gone 4 now and happy go lucky attitude been swapped for mr miserable babboon bum face, my poor girlfriendsuffering because of this itchy scratchy nightmare, if me libido ever returns looks like she gonna hav 2 admit 2 doin it with a monkey.... my arse n nuts drivin me mad for over a year now,,, this is relapse material trust me........please help ...........babboonboy

Gene's picture

After years of itchy leaky butt and many trips to many doctors, I finally got rid of it with a round of powerful intestinal antibiotics which made me sick while taking them. After 2 years it came back. I self diagnosed it as a fungus and used anti-fungal foot powder. 2 weeks later I'm cured. Hope this helps someone. It sure beats alcohol and witch hazel which made me scream too. Good Luck.

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