pill or liquid laxatives?

j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

John asks:

Hi pooooooooooooonurse!

I took a dump the other day and had to conserve the toilet paper because it was almost out. I only used one square of paper at a time to wipe my ass, so, as a result, the shit soaked through and touched my fingers. My question is this: how exactly should I wash my hands...? I haven't washed them yet because I'm waiting for your response.

Dear John, (I've always wanted to begin a letter that way...)

Let's talk for a moment about PREVENTION, shall we?

Exercise a little foresight, and try to keep one roll ahead at all times. (I have an excuse for running out of TP: our Great Dane keeps eating the rolls as quickly as they are hung. But I doubt you have a similar excuse.)

But what's done is done. Your hands are soiled, as is virtually everything you've touched for the past week. There are invisible poo-germs all over your house and your girlfriend. Hand washing is now the least of your problems, but here goes a handwashing tutorial, suitable for printing and posting on your bathroom mirror in case you forget the complicated steps involved:

  1. Turn on the water. Usually a combination of hot and cold water is most pleasing. But it really doesn't matter to the germs. Cold or hot, the principle works the same.
  2. Put your hands under the water. Rub your hands together a few times until they are sufficiently wet.
  3. Use soap. This oft-forgotten step is fairly important. Soap will loosen the errant brown debris (now hardened from waiting all week for my answer) from your filthy hands. Antibacterial versus regular soap does not matter, either. It's more about just getting your hands wet and soapy.
  4. Rub your hands together briskly for at least fifteen seconds. Sing a little tune to help the time go by. Think about world peace. Make major, life-altering decisions. This is YOUR time! Use it wisely.
  5. (extremely tricky part) Dry your hands first, THEN turn off the water with either a paper towel or the bottom of your shirt. This step is admittedly more important when out in a public bathroom, but I figure for you, John, the practice might be a good thing. You don't want to get your hands all clean, only to dry them off and then touch the filthy, disease-ridden faucets with your spanking clean hands.

If you ARE in a public bathroom and you have to touch the doorknob upon leaving, try not to think about all the dirty, disgusting people (like someone who walks around with crap on his hands for a solid week) who use the facilities, touch God knows what, and then leave without washing THEIR hands. You could use a paper towel to open the door, and then throw the towel on the floor, but I think that might be a bit advanced for you. I think we're lucky to get through the handwashing part.

Good luck, John. Let me know how it goes or if you need any more help.

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?

8 Comments on "pill or liquid laxatives?"

max's picture

You've never gotten poop or your hands before? You must be a first time pooper then. I always get shit on my hands, and you know what? It's very normal.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I hate it when I have "breakthrough" on the toilet. You know, when your hand accidentally breaks through the toilet paper and you end up with shit on your hands? Shit smell is impossible to get out without REALLY scrubbing. It's nasty!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

?'s picture

if you want to solve your problem with the poop on your hands, slap on a pair of rubber gloves. this way your hands will have a rubbery protection when you wipe your butt. The rubber feels good when it runs along the inside of your bottom. Maybe you'll find it to very useful at times like this. And other times. Just keep a pair with you at all times because you never know when you are going to have to poop. It works for me. The only problem is walkins out of the stall ,with the gloves still on, and finding a ten year old kid bending over to tie his shoe. He thinks Hope that dosen't happen to you and I wish that my advice is helpful.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Seems like a lot of work just to take a shit. Use Scott toilet paper. It never has a break-through.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

It lookst to me likes someone goofed up on the title here.

Yeah, the good ol'breakthrough, gotta love it.

When I have breakthroughs, and can't get the poop smell out, I GENTLY scrub with a brillo pad, then I use the traditional soap and water. However, I run the water as hot as I can stand without burning myself. This usually gets out the poop smell.

Pumice soap also does the trick. You can find it in automotive stores.
Born to clog your bog, with a giant log.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Anonymous Coward's picture

You people need to get a life, especially that fuckturd Poohnurse! Poohnurse's post's are full of lie's. He/she needs to get a day job and try not to give it up!

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

I think Mr. Coward here needs an attitude adjustment. So here is my recipe for that. Breakfast:All Bran with Extra Fiber. Lunch: Large salad with chic peas and kidney beans and fresh Caesar Dressing. Dinner: Broccoli rabe with whole wheat pasta. I think his problem is he never took a healthy dump before to clear his idiot brain. Hope you feel better A.C.
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!


MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Wrong title still leads to a good issue to discuss. Breakthrough of toilet paper is not uncommon; I have touched my poop from that cause dozens of times (not intentionally, of course). Poonurse's advice is right on; regardless of whether I touch my poop (or my anus) or not when wiping, I still wash thoroughly (more than 15 seconds), dry my hands, and then shut off the water. Who knows who else's hands--washed or not--have touched that fixture? Then there's the out door to the restroom . . .

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