crack quackery

PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Reignz asks:

Inside of my butthole really itches, i put on homeopathic cream, its
still itchy. What does it mean? Any suggestions?

Thank you


Dear Reignz,

At the risk of being called a homeophobic butthole myself, it is my opinion that homeopathic "medicines" are basically nothing but a bunch of hoo-ha. I can't think of a better place to apply such a cream than on one's anus; but only for symbolic purposes since no relief should be expected to be gained from the use of such a product.

There are several causes of itchy ass. Most of them can be directly linked to constipation. Anal fissures and hemorrhoids are common causes of itching. Poor hygiene practices can be a contributing factor as well as sensitivity to dyes or perfumes in certain types of toilet paper.

For relief from the itching, try using a cream consisting of some form of hydrocortisone or witch hazel, such as Preparation-H or Cortizone-10 Anal Itch Cream.

Thanks for asking Motherload!

Motherload is a Certified Nurse Assistant as well as an IBS sufferer, which means she knows a lot about poop. Got a question for her? Ask it here.

19 Comments on "crack quackery"

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

The state of Louisiana, where I lived for several decades, is famous for "Boudreaux's Butt Paste," an ointment to be applied for such purposes as stated above. I've never actually used it, but I have given jars of it as joke stocking stuffers at Christmas to my brother and father.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I believe TBW has a jar of Vaseline he'd like to donate to Reignz...or is it? >:)

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

A nice H2SO4 enema should take care of that ass itch problem. If not that, try the Habanero suppositories.

Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Right. Sulfuric acid up the wazoo. If that doesn't fix it, nothing will.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

Homeopathic cream is not the answer. You want to make sure that it is specifically for that type of problem and you need to read the ingredients to make sure you dont have an allergy because that would make it worse. Make sure your ass is clean that will also help. If you dont feel clean after wiping then perhaps a nice wet wipe is in order. Thank god for motherload.
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!


daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

By homeopathy we are talking about dosing the body with a bit of the same irritant that's bothering you, hope your body will build up a tolerance? It's been working for my dog's skin problems. And, isn't homeopathy kind of what vaccines are?

I am confused as how someone can use a homeopathic cream for their butt. What could someone put in their butt that would help them build up a tolerance to itching? How would one know what's causing the itching? I'm confused.

Yeah, I'd say witch hazel would be a good way to go. Herbal or not. And Tronolaine works nice, too. It helped me after I had Thing One.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Turdle Dove's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I'm with Motherload on this one. Homeopathy doesn't make any sense. I have a hard time believing in its efficacy. I went to a doctor who considered treating my fibromyalgia with homeopathic remedies, and while he was explaining what it was, I was mentally shaking my head the entire time. I was even more suspicious when he said, "We should go forward with the treatment only if you believe in homeopathy. It won't really work if you don't." A little too shady for me.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

"We should go forward with the treatment only if you believe in homeopathy. It won't really work if you don't."

In other words, it's a placebo.

Preparation H, Reignz. You can try Tucks, too.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

No! It worked on my dog for her skin problems. Now, if someone can tell me that my dog believed the cure would work, well, I'll eat a turd.

I bought stuff for her that had dessicated flea husks in it, and then I fed it to her, in miniscule amounts. It was the only thing that gave her relief to being flea-allergic (dermatitis) besides buying Frontline Plus. And we don't have fleas, she just has to be bitten by one outdoors to get itchy.

It is possible that it can work for some things and not others? I like to ride the line between conventional medicine, herbology, and homeopathic remedies. I like to read everything. It has occurred to me that in order for homeopathic remedies to work, they must be accurate as far as addressing the right problem with the right medication. It does use the same idea as vaccinations, so I would think too much of anything would defeat the purpose. How COULD you use a cream correctly? That's not a correct dose, really, for homeopathic treatment.

I think if a doctor uses a vaccination and says homeopathy is bullshit, he or she is contradicting themselves, but I'm so open to learning more about it.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Anonymous Coward's picture

Let's not forget the scientifically sound theory of the law of Infinitesimal. This, of course, has been rigorously proven using double blind, randomized controlled trials and has been shown to be just as effective as the placebo effect......
This law is the basis for the practice by which homeopathy practitioners place a drop of the "curative" substance in an alcohol solution, stir it 10 times, then further dilute that solution out into more alcohol. The theory being that the "essence" of the "curative" substance remains through each dilution, and the greater the dilution, the more potent the substance is. Therefore, a 20,000 dilution is much more beneficial than a 20x dilution. Makes sense to me....

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

I think homeopathic stuff is for the most part as silly as some of the stuff from the middle ages. It reminds me of that Theodoric of York, Medieval Barber routine they did on Saturday Night Live decades ago:

Joan: Not so well, I fear. We followed all your instructions - I mixed powder of staghorn, gum of arabic with sheep's urine, and applied it in a poultice to her face.

Theodoric of York: And did you bury her up to her neck in the marsh and leave her overnight?

Joan: Oh, yes. But she still feels as listless as ever, if not more.

Theodoric of York: Well, let's give her another bloodletting.

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points

I use the same kind of treatment for my allergies as daphne did on her dog.

I put drops under my tongue everyday to build up a tolerance to the specific allergins I'm allergic to.

The problem with the treatment Reignz was using is that the amount of allergin in the cream can't be adjusted, and since he's already got an itchy sphincter, there's most likely WAY TOO much in that cream he's using.

Use some Tucks until it goes away, THEN cream yourself up.

Holy skid marks Batman!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Yes, that's what I was trying to say, but you said it better. You can't control how much of the cream is used.

Maybe the trouble with anything is extremes, and obviously homeopathic remedies can't solve many things "actual" medicine can. But I'm still going to use what's working on my whippet-pit mix because, well, it works. It's nice to see her not rubbing her butt against my chair in the livingroom because she's itchy.
.....hugging bunnies since 1969

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Artful Dodger's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Itchy ass? Scratch it.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Yeah. The homopythons always lose me, when they start in with the dilution theory.
Sir SamDamnit!
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Crunchy Frog's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I scratch my arse all the time whether it's itchy or not and that's fine. All I would say though is try not to get into the habit of sniffing your fingers afterwards because even if you only do this on your own to begin with, you'll get used to doing it and before you know it you'll be standing in a bus queue or in the doctor's waiting room and wonder why people are looking at you with an air of disgust. Scratch just don't sniff, take that from an expert on the subject.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Maybe you have worms, like the tiny ones little kids get from not washing their hands. I think they're called pinworms.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

A hot poker up the ass should cauterize the itch.

Seriously, there is a very fine line to what is real and what is just fluff, when it comes to homeopathic medicines. I am a homeopahtic nut, but in this case, I would just stick with good ol' Preparation H.

If that don't work, see you doctor.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Here is a cure for itchy ass crack:

1. Purchase a metallic miniature of the Eifel Tower...

Never mind...

What if everyone farted at once?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

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