colitis, diverticulitis, oh my!

// // 34 Comments
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La Rue asks:

The doctor told me I have ulcerative colitis and diverticulitis. I ate a salad the other day and ended up with such a horrible stomach ache upper stomach I had to lay down and was in the fetal position. The pain radiated from front to back like a block of pain. Could this have been the diverticulitis? Then at times I have burning in the butt lower stomach and on the left side of the stomach like someone put a cigarette out on my insides. Is this the ulcerative colitis?

What can I do to get these conditions under control? I am diabetic so some things on the bland diet I cant eat. What would you recommend to get me straightened out. Every time I eat my stomach swells like a whale. I feel better when I don't eat and have a liquid protein drink...Always feel achy inside...lupus, fibroymylgia, disc problems, stomach (Gerd) which leaves me with chest pains all the time.

Thanks,

La Rue


Dear La Rue,

I am almost at a loss for words on this one. You poor thing. I don't see what keeps you from swallowing a bullet, or committing harakiri.

Maybe you should go to your current doctor's house, sit on his front porch and eat a salad. Once he sees the agony that you are in, then he can refer you to a specialist that can offer you some assistance with all your many ailments.

PoopReport just isn't the place for someone with as many things wrong with them as you have to find a quick cure, unless you are just looking for a good laugh to ease your suffering through the bitter end.

You might want to write to the producers of "House, MD" at Fox Productions to see if their writers can create some sort of medical protocol for you. This is way beyond my scope of practice.

I wish you luck in finding the right doctor to help you.

Thanks for asking Motherload!

Motherload is a Certified Nurse Assistant as well as an IBS sufferer, which means she knows a lot about poop. Got a question for her? Ask it here.

34 Comments on "colitis, diverticulitis, oh my!"

Barking Spider of the Carolinas's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Hmmmmm
Maybe its not the best idea to tell someone that they should kill themselves when they ask you for advice. I think you meant to be symathetic, but talking about "eating a bullet" and the "bitter end" is maybe kind of discouraging.
_______
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Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

La Rue, ask your doctor to refer you to a gastroenterologist. That's your best bet if you want to know all the treatment options available to you.
Good luck. :-)

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

I would think that when a doc diagnoses those problems, they would provide some information on how to care for the condition, or give you the referal to the gastro, especially if your doc knows you are diabetic. I'd fire his ass and get me a new doc.

Motherload's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Carolina Barking Spider, If you read my response correctly, you would know that I did not recommend that La Rue commit suicide. I simply stated that I found it to be remarkable that she had not; considering all the suffering she apparently endures on a daily basis.

Ulcerative colitis, diverticulitis, inability to eat, severe bloating, chronic pain, diabetes, lupus, fibromyalgia, gerd, disc problems and chest pain would be enough physical discomfort to cause most people to become incapacitated and unable to function normally unless heavily medicated.

The fact that this person is reading a poop humor website and has submitted a query like this one leads me to believe that they, unlike you, can appreciate a bit of "read-between-the-lines comedy".

The bitter end does not have to imply death. If you stick around for a while and continue to read Poop Report, you will come to understand that here, the bitter end is usually the one in which the vile substances that can be created by the types of afflictions that La Rue has are spewing out of. Believe me when I say that sometimes that alone is a fate far worse than death.

I am sure that the regulars here know that I would never suggest that anyone do anything to harm themselves.

That being said, I suggest to you that you go ahead and pull that stick out of your ass now and have a laugh or two.


_______
Always looking out for number two!

Always looking out for number two!

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

CBS, I know what ulcerative colitis can do to someone, my father had it.

Be ware if the doctor puts you on Prednizone. If he does, make sure that it is just temporary. Ask your doctor about Sulfa drugs (like Sulfasalizine).

If I were you, I would also seek advice from a dietician, and talk to him/her about a multi vitamin / mineral complex. Liquid supplements are more absorbable.

I hope that you get this debilitating disease under control. Good luck.
_______
A man who farts in church, sits in his own pew.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Anal About Poop's picture
l 100+ points

La Rue, I feel for you. I wish I was my mom right now. She has a natural remedy for everything from split ends to a broken heart. With so many ailments I'm sure you've visited quite a few doctors by now and you're probably disappointed with the medical community. Why else would you turn to Poopreport for help? I do agree with Healthy 1. You have to speak to a dietician. A proper diet is critical for your conditions. Good luck with all your tummy problems and thank you for putting things in perspective for me.

Turdle Dove's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh yeah, prednizone is the worst. I had a horrible reaction to it the five days I took it. Nasty little drug. Potent stuff.

Rottenshit's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

YOU GO MOTHERLOAD

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Motherload is suggesting guerilla health care tactics. Excellent.

Bowl Clogger Blogger's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

It sounds like La Rue had the same doctor I saw.
I told him I had a pain in my foot and he said, "You have toelio."
Then I told him I had soreness in my knee, and he said, "You probably have kneesles."
My wife wants me to go in for one more visit about another ache I have, but I know what he's going to say, "You have small cox."

_______
There's a certain air about me....

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points

Step One: learn to write complete sentences with proper punctuation without them being run on sentences that are really hard to read because they are vague ambiguous because that makes everything really hard to understand do you understand what I am saying because unless you can read the perscription you might take the wrong number of pills and that could lead to well to the exact conditions that you are suffering thank you.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Please go to a doctor. And, maybe, after you've eaten a salad.

Dear La Rue, we aren't ambivalent nor rude, we've just seen too many emails about people who need medical help with poop. It's OK to visit a doctor about poop.

What we'd like to read is your response after you've seen a doctor.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

You need to stay away from the cheese and bacon bits at the salad bar.
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Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

If I was gay, I think I might fall in love with Motherload.

*...pondering...*

Nope. Still straight. But you GO, sister!

Barking Spider of the Carolinas's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

No stick in my butt, Motherload, just poop. By your response, you seem really offended. I'm sorry that your bit of dark humor seemed a bit misplaced to me. No need for a diatribe, just say you meant it all in good fun and that you were sorry I missed out on the joke. It was merely my opinion that your reply was a bit grim. I'm had no doubt that what she has is very unpleasant. I guess basically humerously saying "Gee your life really does suck!" just hit me the wrong way.

P.S. I'll have to keep my eye out for "the bitter end" thing. I hadn't noticed that yet.


_______
Recycle! Reduce! Reuse!
You can close the loop!
You can eat your poop!

Recycle! Reduce! Reuse!
You can close the loop!
You can eat your poop!

Motherload's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Alternative response to La Rue's question in order to better appease CBS:

Dear La Rue,

Wow. What a trooper you are, indeed! I think that you should consider having gastric bypass surgery. The resulting weight loss could possibly reverse your diabetes.

You could also have a naso-gastric feeding tube inserted. This can be used to remove air and digestive juices from the stomach. That would probably greatly improve your GERD symptoms, and prevent you from swelling up like a whale when you eat.

Also, instead of eating, you could use the tube for feeding. A nutritional supplement could be used without having to endure the effects of actual food. You could enjoy the benefits of your protein drinks without ever having to taste the stuff.

As far as your bowel issues, well, just have them removed also, and get yourself equipped with a nice colostomy bag. You would never have to worry about any burning pain in your butt again! Oh, the joy. So many options available for you, dear.

CBS, I apologize to you for misplacing my dark humor on such an inappropriate website. But as far as my diatribe above is concerned, I believe that it is you that is the sorry one here.

And do keep that eye out for "the bitter end". Maybe someday there will be something that turns your brown eye blue.

_______
Always looking out for number two!

Always looking out for number two!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Can I legally adopt Motherload?

Barking Spider of the Carolinas's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Fine Motherload,
Your right. I'm worng. There was absolutly nothing conceivably wrong with your post and anyone who has any other opinion is just a moron. Your lengthy rants directed at me have convinced me of your warm and caring nature. . .
Actually that's the sort of response I'd give if I was actually trying to be mindlessly critical of your post or just trolling to get a rise out of you. I am sorry for the way I phrased my first post. I tried to clarify with the second but I guess that just made you madder. I had already read some of your other posts which I thought seemed very sensitive to the people asking for your help. I guess talking about suicide (even jokingly) to someone who seems to be in a lot of distress just kind of bothers me. I know you weren't suggesting that anyone should hurt themselves. I was just trying to express my opinion (apparently poorly) and not be super critical of your post. I'm not an angry crank and don't need "appeasing" (yes I know that was a sarcastic response too). So I eagerly await to see how you take offence at this post and what sort of vitriolic rhetoric you will direct my way.


_______
Recycle! Reduce! Reuse!
You can close the loop!
You can eat your poop!

Recycle! Reduce! Reuse!
You can close the loop!
You can eat your poop!

Motherload's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Mad? MAD?!! You think that your comments made me mad, Spiderman? I really appreciated having the opportunity to butt heads with someone that actually had the audacity to question my unbelievably sound advice, instead of taking everything I say as the medical gospel.

Opinions and assholes; everybody has one. Excuse me for confusing the two in association with you.

P.S. I noticed in one of your comments somewhere that you said you seem to have lots of gaseous emissions regardless of your diet. Someone as full of hot air as you are has to pop off some pressure somehow. I don’t see much help for you there. But don’t go getting suicidal over it or anything. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night if I thought that I somehow managed to discourage you in any way.

_______
Always looking out for number two!

Always looking out for number two!

Barking Spider of the Carolinas's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

You're not mad? You sound kinda mad. You've been using words that make you seem mad. Am I misreading your replies? Am I missing something here? Is this just a persona you effect when you are writing replies? You are a wacky trickster, Motherload, making me think that you are all indignant with your long strongly worded replies. I actually felt bad that I might have offended you. How gullible am I? I guess I'll go put on the dunce hat now. Thanks for the big joke on me. You can all laugh derisively now. ;-)

"Mad? MAD?!! You think that your comments made me mad, Spiderman?" said the shouting Motherload


_______
Recycle! Reduce! Reuse!
You can close the loop!
You can eat your poop!

Recycle! Reduce! Reuse!
You can close the loop!
You can eat your poop!

Motherload's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Aw, Momma wasn't trying to hurt the little spider's feelings. I was just pulling your legs a little bit. All in good fun. You can quit sulking now. I will leave you alone. I thought maybe you could take a little heat since you were so quick to call me on my heartless response to La Rue. I guess it was me that was mistaken. Game over, dude.

_______
Always looking out for number two!

Always looking out for number two!

Barking Spider of the Carolinas's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

It wan't my fellings so much as my logic circuits. I couldn't figure out what I had that should provoke such a response. I thought I was pointing out a small bit in an otherwise helpful response that bothered me. Now about that semi-cronic gas of mine, I know you're the expert and all, but your hot air theory just doesn't seem scientific enough for me.


_______
Recycle! Reduce! Reuse!
You can close the loop!
You can eat your poop!

Recycle! Reduce! Reuse!
You can close the loop!
You can eat your poop!

Barking Spider of the Carolinas's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Oh, and have you heard back from La Rue. How is she doing?


_______
Recycle! Reduce! Reuse!
You can close the loop!
You can eat your poop!

Recycle! Reduce! Reuse!
You can close the loop!
You can eat your poop!

Motherload's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

I think the chatbox would be a much more appropriate place to continue this.
_______
Always looking out for number two!

Always looking out for number two!

Anonymous Coward's picture

What you said to La Rue, Motherload, was sarcastic, mean and not what she needed to hear, trust me. I agree with Barking Spider.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Go to a gastroenterologist ASAP and ask for a CT scan of the abdomen. This will rule out ulcerative colitis or diverticulitis. If you have diverticulitis, take antibiotics for 10 days as prescribed. Good Luck!

Anonymous Coward's picture

biting the bullet? WTF?

Jay Osh Double Duce's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I side with no one. However, you both sound very intelligent and well-equipped for a debate... or a wrestling match. Which will it be?

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points

All of LaRue’s health problems can all be healed with food.

Every human disease is first caused by the body’s inability to reduce excess acid residue in the body. Most of the foods we eat create this acid residue, which the body struggles constantly to bind using alkaline materials stored in reserve.

As the body's alkaline reserve is depleted, it leaches acid-binding materials stored in the muscles, organs, tissues, and bones. Once there's no longer enough acid-binding materials left inside, the body shuts down (i.e. we get sick) so that it can rest and purge some of the excess acid residues.

Ever notice how when you're sick, usually you're not hungry? This is your body's way of saying "stop poisoning me with all that food!" And if you heed that warning and don't eat solid foods when sick, your body recuperates much faster (even better if you drink fresh unsweetened fruit juices and/or filtered water).

Yet we keep eating the same old way we always have, getting sick again and again, and over time the illnesses and diseases that afflict us become more numerous and more frequent, until the last illness finally shuts the body down completely and we die.

The only way to break this cycle and restore ultimate health is to restore the body's alkaline reserve, and also to stop abusing it.

We restore the body's alkaline reserve by eating alkaline foods, a.k.a. fresh fruits and non-starchy veggies. The human body binds alkaline materials with acid residues at a 4 to 1 ratio, so to ensure maintenance of the body's alkaline reserve is to eat alkaline and acid foods at that same ratio, 4:1. That basically means eat 4 servings of fresh fruits and non-starchy veggies for every single serving of anything else each day.

That's the ultimate healing diet, to eat at 4:1 or better; however, if you can just try to get anywhere near that, or have any increase at all in consumption of fruits and non-starchy veggies coupled with eating less of all other foods, the healing processes will still begin; full healing will simply take longer.

To stop abusing the body's alkaline reserve is to stop or at least limit excess production of acid residues. There are 4 ways we produce too much acid residue:
1. Eating too much protein.
2. Eating too much processed/refined foods.
3. Eating foods together that require opposite digestive processes.
4. Keep waste too long in the colon.

So to correct the health problems stemming from overproduction of acid residue is to do the opposite of the above:
1. Eat less protein. Far less even than you think. If you weigh less than 200 pounds, you NEED only 1 oz meat -OR- 1 egg -OR- 1 serving of grains or dairy or beans or nuts each day (roughly 1 gram protein per 30 pounds body weight). Anything more than needed is too much.
2. Eat less processed/refined foods… which also means eat more whole, natural foods--buy more food from around the edges of the grocery store and not so much from down the aisles.
3. Eat at separate meals those foods that require opposite digestive processes (carbs and proteins). Also keep them separate by at least three hours.
4. Keep the colon up to date. You can help this with daily cool-water enemas, but when you eat 4:1 this will take care of itself and you will poop soon after eating… just like every other animal in nature does.

Let's look at why we should separate carbs and proteins, since that one is sometimes a contentious proposition. Carbs require an alkaline environment all the way through the digestive process, starting in the mouth; proteins require acid digestion while in the stomach. As we learned in chemistry class, nothing much happens with you put an acid with a base because they cancel each other out. Eating carbs and proteins together causes the opposing digestive process to interfere with each other, resulting in improper and incomplete digestion of both which leads to fermentation of the carbs and putrefaction of the proteins.

The damage from this improper digestion, fermentation, and putrefaction manifests for some of us as digestive problems including heartburn, acid reflux, diarrhea, constipation, IBS, Crohn's, colitis, diverticulitis, etc. For others who don't immediately feel their eating mistakes like that, the damage is still being done--it just manifests in some other way such as headache, fatigue, mental fog, asthma, allergies, unexplained aches/pains, or some other illness we think isn't related to our eating habits. And, again, over time these problems multiply in number and intensity and become more frequent, until eventually we suffer chronic disease followed by death.

Just the one step of separating carbs and proteins, all by itself, can almost instantly resolve even the most heinous digestive pain and poop problems, as well as heal asthma, allergies, arthritis (I would speculate fibromyalgia, too), and improve mental clarity over time. Seriously amping up the fresh fruits and non-starchy veggies, and dialing way down on all other foods, over time will take care of all other health problems.

OVER TIME is key… changing your normal diet too quickly may result in some nasty detox including headache, fatigue, cold/flu-like symptoms, congestion, skin rashes, diarrhea, etc. Those will pass, but it is nicer on your body to go more slowly. If you aren't in dire straits like poor LaRue, you can start by separating carbs and proteins for a week or two… then slowly replace acid snacks with fresh fruits (with whipped cream is OK) and non-starchy veggies (with creamy dip OK too) at a rate of about 1 snack a day per week until all snacks are alkaline… then try substituting a large salad meal each day for lunch or dinner for another week or two… you get the idea.

(Someone in LaRue's condition would benefit more by fasting--eating no solid foods at all and drinking only water and/or fresh unsweetened fruit juices--until they felt better, and then slowly reintroducing solid foods back into their daily diet one type at a time each week, in the order of: raw fresh fruits, raw leafy greens, other raw non-starchy veggies, lightly cooked veggies, starchy veggies, nuts, fluid dairy, grains, and then finally proteins... still following the guidelines for stopping overproduction of acid residues.)

OVER TIME is also a reminder that you didn’t get where you are now overnight, so please remember that eating better will take time to heal--it’s not an instant fix, but it is a permanent one. Eating at 4:1 every day takes about 3 solid months to remedy most health problems, so eating at any less ratio will take longer. How long depends on how far from 4:1 you eat and how often you break the rules for stopping overproduction of acid residues. Happily, even if you improve your eating habits very, very slowly, it should only take 20-25% time to heal as it took for you to get sick.

Please read the book linked below for more information.
_______
Open your eyes AND your mind to the power of food!
Health via Food (scroll down to read by chapter)

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

jackatack's picture

Holy crap man listening to the 2 of you I just have to give my 2 cents. Motherload you suck! I agree with barking spider.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Motherload... you are a jackass. Probably some fat overweight unhappy wife. It's not spiders fault your husband would rather fuck an aids infested hooker. Maybe you should bite the bullet so to speak. Or hop off the tallest building you see, one less fat, worthless human to worry about. Lol.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Anonymous Coward (and aren't all of you whiners anonymous?), Motherload is actually a friend of mine. We've chatted many times on Yahoo, shared family photos, and she's both a Myspace and Facebook friend as well.

While you might not believe it, she's very pretty. Second, she's thin. She's in great shape. Third, this is a humor site.

Get a grip, chucklehead.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points

Someone turned the oven temperature above cleaning mode.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Anonymous's picture

I have been diagnosed with UC & Diverticulitis. Mix that with Bi-Polar, a protruding disk (L5-S1), no health insurance, no pain killers, and the only doc I see is in the ER when I can't take the pain anymore. I am also currently on parol, which means no medical maryjane either. I am looking into putting myself into a mental health facility before I do something stupid to end this pain. If anyone has advice, please email me @ zackjbennett@gmail.com. ty.

Zack

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