asscrackitis: chapped, cracking ass

j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Ali asks:

The last few months I've had a very strange and painful problem. No one I've asked has ever had this problem, so I'm looking to you people here to help me. For the last few months my ass crack has been chapped. The crack itself is very red and quite painful, and looks like the cracking you get on the sides of your mouth if your lips are extremely chapped. I have not changed my wiping habbits -- I use the damp Cottonelle wipes. I've been putting Neosporin with lidocaine on my crack and that makes it feel better but the problem isn't going away. Please help -- I need ass crack relief!

Dear Ali,

For starters, I can assure you of two things: Asscrackitis (the medical term for an irritated or inflamed ass crack), is generally NOT sexually transmitted, nor is it likely to be fatal. I realize that neither of these facts has anything to do with your concerns, but thought I would sound more professional making this sort of pronouncement right off the bat.

First, discard your thong underwear, if applicable. (Alternatively, you can boil them for one hour and then soak them in a gallon of bleach, but I would just throw them out). Thong-wearing is the #1 cause of Asscrackitis. Boiling and bleaching really has nothing helpful to contribute to your problem, but I suggested it only to encourage you to stop wearing them. Fabric wedged up your ass crack can't be helping the problem.

Next, are you using some new type of soap, body wash, detergent, or Brillo pads on your crack? I would recommend switching to some bland, non-irritating cleanser, such as Ivory soap, for a while. Don't overwash your crack, either. Be sure you let it dry well.

Wear plain old cotton underpants for a while. No leather or rubber underwear or pants. Let your crack breathe, as God intended.

Stop with the Neosporin if it isn't helping. Get a mild hydrocortisone (1%) cream at the drugstore, and apply it sparingly to your spanking clean, dry ass crack twice a day.

Don't use those premoistened wipes for a while. They usually have some alcohol in them, which could be either over-drying your crack or irritating it. Alcohol is for drinking, not for wiping.

If you are not improved within two weeks, or if your Asscrackitis is getting worse while you are doing these things, for God's sake go show your ass to a real doctor.

Please be advised that I am only a Poonurse. I am NOT a medical doctor. Any advice I give should be taken moderate skepticism. Please consult a REAL medical doctor if you feel you have a serious medical condition.

-- Poonurse

Poonurse is an RN with 25 years experience in labor and delivery. Her qualifications include seeing a lot of poop, and owning a computer. Also, she works in Michigan, which she calls the asshole of the universe, so that's another bit of credibility.

Got a question for her?

215 Comments on "asscrackitis: chapped, cracking ass"

Anonymous Coward's picture

Raspex Skin Gel is nice. Also try Argentyn 23 First Aid Gel.

Anonsorebumus's picture

Had the phenomenon of asscrackitis for more years than I care to mention. Tried every cream under the sun, became OCD on cleanliness, wiping, baggey cotton shorts, etc. Although many creams I've used have relieved symptoms and reduced the pain and swelling, none have irradicated it sufficently for me to forget that I've got the problem. That was until I became so desperate to stop the itching and soreness I tried a cream I had used on a fungal foot infection of my son TRIMOVATE - contains Clobetasone butyrate, oxytetracycline, nystatin. Having read the blurb I can see how all three play a part in the cure. Iuse about a half pea size amount approx. twice a week and can say now I don't have a problem. If I forget to use it for about a week (because I dont have the problem!!!). I'm soon reminded I need to apply a little cream because a little itching and tenderness start creeping back into my life. One small tube has lasted me about a year.

Chappy McCrackass's picture

I am new to asscrackitis, and was oh-so-ashamed until I found this website. I felt a burning pain above my ass a few days ago, and I asked my hubby to look and he says it's all red and cracked.

Oh yeah,'s asscrackitis.

I'm so relieved to know that I'm not alone. I've been managing as best I can with vaseline, but think that I'll try some of the powder and dry-out methods you all have suggested,...I'll let you guys know how oit torns out.

Yours in Chapass
Chappy McCrackass

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

Get a car seat that allows air to circulate while you are are driving or a passenger.

poor poor crack owner's picture

omg! i cant believe there's a online support group for this! i thought something was seriously wrong with me.
Mine is not near my hole... its at the top of my butt crack right under my tail bone... I first used vaseline which was ok...(took the pain away) but I STRONGLY STRONGLY recommend polysporin triple action I used it for 2 nights with no clothes when I sleep and today its a lil itchy... but that means its healing :)

Johnny Cracks Corn's picture

Damn you asscrackitis!! I've got itchies and a small crack or two right on my brown star. Here is my tail of woe from last week...

I'm was on a first date at one of those tiny tables for two. I start getting the scratchies down there (you know where) after course 1 of our 27 course meal. 'Excuse me, I'll be right back' and I race to the restroom for a festival of scratching. Inevitably, I must go back to the table. I spend the next 7 hours (seemed like 7 hours) trying to wiggle around in my chair...if sit on the edge of my seat feigning rapt attention to stories about Yale and study abroad I can scratch my brownie just enough to get through dinner. Finally the check arrives and I have some sort of itching reprieve. 'Would you like to come back to my place for a drink?' Sure why not, that sounds great, what could be better. Many drinks later we are on her couch halfway undresed and an unexpected guest's asscrackitis, feeling neglected, wanting to join the party, 'What about me...I won't be ignored'.

SHE: Passion mounting
ME: Must scratch crack
SHE: Off with the bra
ME: Must scratch crack
SHE: Off with the panties
SHE: I'll be right back, don't go anywhere
ME: Salvation! scratch scratch scratch scratch scratch; Race to the sink to wash hands; Race back to the couch and fake a suave urbane demeanor

Is there a fungus among-us...too much moisture, too dry. What the F's going on down there? Thanks for all advice on the site.

gene's picture

I have a problem with acid foods, when I used to eat meat a lot I was getting a bad red burn arond my crack with oozing. then it would become scabish then would flake off moatly when I scrached. would last a week or more.
Stared reducing meat intake now even chicken .does any one have this kind of broblem

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

No gene.....I have no broblem at all, I recently stared increasing my meat intake and moatly I am OK.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Anonymous Coward's picture

Here's something that worked for me. I had a situation where I had a slit and red, inflamed skin right at the top of the crack, below my tailbone.

It came and went and was really annoying, but nothing I did seemed to help.

Then, I remembered something I used to do as a child.

When I was little and would walk in the dew barefoot, I would get a slit under my pinky toe -- and I used to put rubbing alcohol on it to get rid of it.

So, I decided that maybe this problem on my butt crack was similar -- caused by moisture.

So, I took a QTip and put rubbing alcohol on the slit.

It burned -- oh, oh, oh -- it burned! Wow.

But I put it on every day, and each day the burn was a little less.

And now, the slit/chapping is gone. I still use the rubbing alcohol every day (and some days there's still a tiny burn).

I'm assuming that the alcohol kept the area dry, so it could heal. And alcohol also kills germs.

I'm not sure why it helped, but it's been very nice not to have that spot all inflamed and sore!

BurningButtCheeks's picture

I have this same problem for 2 years, burning butt cheeks that burn, itch, bleed, especially when its either really hot or dry out, I have learned of some cures, for one thing it helps to sleep naked, another thing that really helps, make sure you drink 8 glasses of water a day and also if its hot or dry drink more water, this is something that helps me alot.

MY SOLUTIONS's picture

Micro cracks are also known as Pruritus ani, which are itchy, painful, and swollen sometimes. Large cracks are called anal fissures. I could barely move for a couple of years until i discovered that soap was the cause of all my problems. Rinsing in shower, or using bidet, is all I can do nowadays, but I have my life back. Doctors are clueless sometimes. hope this helps someone else.

Corn Dogg's picture

When you finally heal up and there's no sign of chapped ass you feel crack-tastic. The medical term for the euphoria you experience is known as "ass-crack-topia"!.

A.'s picture

I've been through this!
Fortunately mines only lasted for a few days.
And only hurt when I bothered it.
And I know exactly how I got it....
From not drying my crack all the way when I left the shower.
I didn't put any chemicals on it except Poroxide [stuff thats usually found in the brown bottles] only to prevent infection.
If you leave it alone and don't split your cheeks to look at it then it should heal perfectly within a few days.

Bullszit diffuzer's picture

I read soemwhere that laughing cures stress and can help prevent stroke. I am happy to say as of now, I am stroke free! No , all jokes aside. I have a question to the vast many of you who are sedintarily sitting at your computer desk for hours at a time; can you hide a pencil in your crack? If you can and also have fair skin, there is a strong likely hood you will contract this condition more freaquently than others with a small or flat ass.Also know this, it is in fact an interaction between the bacterias in fecal matter (from the shoot)and the salts in human sweat that can create a breeding ground for irritation.(it is why sweat stinks so bad) Couple that with a less than adequate hygeine practice (brought on by crappy paper and wet wipes)that doesnt allow for complete drying or cleaning of the "willy". Add in excessive sitting and or sliding of the buttross cheeks and a little fecal exploration that will migrate all the way to the top of the crack and you have a recipe for delight! I also suggest that incomplete or rushed wiping (high friction) practice can lead to irritations, especially if your diet is high in fats and acids and low in fiber(loose stool). You see, at the first sign of irritation we stop wiping to completeness. Then that actually stirs the pot so to speak. A little pain and you are more than ready to be too gentle when wiping your tooter. So heres the suggestion to all of you, who I am happy to say, are as full of it as I have been all my life; get a good shower (often in this order Shlit, shower, shave) with the coolest water you can stand, as close to the time you poop as possible. Then, while showering, get in the habit of inserting your clean little finger with a small amount of soap (gentle and mild with no perfume) into your anus and clean the friggin shoot. About a half of an inch is all you will need to be sufficiently clean, then irrigate with plenty of cool water. Then gently massage the region with the other clean hand and soap (wash them off in between to avoid re exposure of internal bacteriums)until you experience a mild stinging. This means you have in fact cleaned back to raw skin. This will create a "healing crisis" which will be deliberatly corrected by your immunity as the body prepares the nessesary response(grow new skin, occurs naturaly on about a 30 day cycle). Allow the willy to dry completely (this is essential)and for as long as is humanly possible. Ask your significant other to fill in for you while you recover to a nice and dry ass. Then you will be ready to prepare for the next step. Apply a small amount of non irritating powder to your rose and enjoy the efforts you endured. Now as far as long term relief goes; you will surely need a reduction in your rear side (cheeks) to eleveate the azz cheek grinding that is causing the fecal to work its way up and out the shoot and up to the top of your silly flaking crack. You will undoubtably have to resort to some form of sweat producing activity to permanently stave off the condition. "Get up off that thang, and make yourself feel better"! Words to live by. If you cant jog or fast walk at lunch, go dancing at the club or play in the yard with the kids(20 -30 minutes aday).If that is too painfull, take a pill or something self medicating then dance your azz off.... Or simply act more childish than you do and go burn some of that azz fat off like a 3 yr old. When you recieve your new crack reduction(through hard strenuos work) you will gain in other areas of your life as well.Eliminate the hard cheap conditioners in your hair, they contain harmful plasticizers that further irritate your bumm, find an alternative hypo allergenic or organic conditioner and do the azz cleaning routine after your hair rinse. Try to keep your crack closed while rinsing to prevent the conditioner from contacting your anus area. Continue to work towards balanced health and a balanced PH and reduce the fatty/acid intake and your willy will thank you, and your love life might improve too. Good luck to all. I know this was long winded, but nessesary.....

Anonymous Coward's picture

I'm not sure whether mine is crackass I have these small blister like bumps on the inside of my ass at the top of my bump where yout crack starts. They are red and sore does anyone else suffer.

Anonymous Coward's picture

try extra virgin olive oil, it really does work I know it sounds gross, but I have been using it for about a week and it's much better, and sleep in the nude...

Anonymous Coward's picture

It is a fungal yeast infection.
Go to your doctor and get help

Porta John's picture

I am a chronic sufferer of Asscrackitis. I fight it every year when the weather turns unbearbly humid. I work out doors, which compounds the problem. My most recent case started when I took the hottest, sweatiest, greasiest, Porta-John shit of my life. When I wiped with the extremely low end tp it was equipped with I knew my fate was sealed. The remainder of my work week has been miserable, with thirteen consecutive swamp ass filled days on the books I see no sudden end to my troubles. I truely feel for my fellow sufferers.

pokerchampgirl's picture

I thought i was the only one. I have an itchy bunghole AND cut above my bunghole. Stings like hell when I shower....I put Vagisil on my asshole and the itching stopped and at least became more tolerable, but don't know what to do heal up this cut in between my buttcheeks. HELLLLLPPPPPPP

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

From this series of comments it should be obvious that there is not one exclusive cause for asscrackitis. Many possibilities can cause it, which means there are many possible cures for it. Your doctor may not know at first, but given time (and maybe some tests) he can find out. You despairing folks out there, please take the most frequently-given advice on this site: See your doctor!

OMGGRL's picture

I need help recently my ass started to itch pretty bad, so I assumed maybe I wasn't wiping good enough. So I started to clean it out more thoroughly. That when I started to develop little cuts from my itching it. Now it itches and burns so bad I can't sleep at night!!! I've left work early once and called off once but I cant keep doing this I need help or advice asap!!! I've Used cortizone(burns like a mother),Apaphor (helps a little) Benadril (Burns like a mother!)Neosporin (kinda helps)so ne thing else ne 1 can suggest would be nice!!!

sunnysmile's picture

My problem is not so much with the crack but with the butt cheeks inside the crack. I have had to sit for months due to surgery and can't lay down even to sleep. My cheeks are so sore I had open wounds a bit, but those are better now. It is now really red and irritated, I've tried triple antibiotic, hydrocort, clomatrizole....but usually for only a day or two and then try something else. I also took antibiotics for 20 days straight...maybe a yeast infection. It's been 2 months since then, shouldn't it resolve itself by now? What do I do, it hurts to sit and I have to sit all day at work. Is it just from sitting too much?

Poop Chute's picture

when I spread my cheeks and look at my crack with my wifes magnified hand mirror my crack looks like a Martian landscape. No itching but I put a red ass monkey a distant second.

It seems to be creeping up the back side of my testes which are taking on a beet like color.

Went to my doctor A dermo whatever. Gave me desinoid and a hydrating cleanser which hasn't done jack shit (no pun). My wife says its the cottonele wipes. Don't know.

I can't do any pressed glass mooning with my ass looking like this.

You got a cure?????????????

Maynard S. Poopchute

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I got your cure Maynard, forget the pressed glass mooning and just go for the open window mooning.

Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

HomieL's picture

asscrackitis: Found some people talking here about painfull ass crack spliting, while researching a solution for my case of asscrackitis. Guys I have come up with the cure. First the problem is that it won't heal because of it's location. The split keeps trying to fuse together where it shouldnt and then splits when it starts to scab. The solution, "New Skin". Clean the wound real good,then have your wife, partner, friend (good friend) or mommy, paint a coat of liquid "New Skin down the split. It will burn like hell at first, keep the cheeks spread until this drys, only a minute or so. A hairdryer on cool helps. You will hate me at first, because of the burning sting. Do this for 3 days, do not scrub off the old painting, just reapply each day after showering. Also spray a coat of antifungal power on top for a week or more, Your problem will go away. It's worth the pain.

J Booty's picture

Hey all. I too am currently suffering from asscrackitis and thought I would throw my (#)2 cents in. This is actually a yeast infection which can develop from too much moisture, which causes yeast to grow rapidly. Eating yogurt, taking acidophilus (comes in pill form) can help. Drinking alcohol and antibiotics will cause it and/or make it worse. Hope this helps!

Mercedes07's picture

My fucking ass is annoying. I haven't had sex in 6 months, so unless this is bubonic plague or leprosy, I'm pissed. I'm impatient, so I tried "exfoliating" down there, and now I'm fucking bleeding! (well, "spotting," any girls on this site would know what I mean). I read most of the comments above, and I agree that if you leave it alone for a while - and do your best to keep the area dry, then you'll be OK. But I'm a thong/ boy-cut short wearer, and I have not noticed any difference in terms of thong or no thong. Maybe it's just the fucking weather. Sorry I'm so annoyed right now, but this is bullshit lol.

Anonymous Coward's picture

for those with non-fungal type of this issue:

i have had the problem for years ever since being sexually active... it seems to get worse after sex... probably because the butt crack gets moist... and also like some said... worse after drinking alcohol.. and also caused by improper sitting position....

I have one sure-fire solution for some people (even though I am looking for alternative, natural, ways)... I was in Asia and had a doctor look at my eczema issue on back of my neck which I believe displayed the exact same symptoms as the butt issue... except I wouldn't let doctors see my crack... the doctor prescribed a few pills of benedryl and an ointment with generic name of diprocel. I used this ointment for both neck and butt... and it fixes problem right in a day or two, the one or two times it happens to me per year.

HOWEVER, lately since I moved to a more humid area, the problem seems to reoccur more frequently... and I do not like to use diprocel too often since it's steroid-based... I don't want all the steroids staying in my body... so I want to try out some of the more natural ways... so far I've tried corn-starch based baby powder.. which helps with moisture but doesn't cure... I also use aloe-vera gel coupled with Vaseline for temporary relief...
I am going to try the lanolin and desitin some have suggested...

If you are in real pain... ask about diprocel... that steroid works literally overnight... but just don't use it too often.

johnbuttcrackmustdie's picture

Hello, and thanks for the website! Perhaps i can get some feedback if what i've got is similar to what other people have experienced. I am a 50's white male, just had my yearly checkup with no "butt" issues at all. Then, one week ago, suddenly, out of the blue, i'm taking a shower and feel a "stinging" sensation coming from the top of by butt crack, just below the tailbone. Let's call this Phase I. I felt around, but nothing was there. I put some peroxide on it (ouch!) and figured it was just a minor scratch or whatever - maybe a spider bite. Day 2 comes along and it hurts alot worse than the first. I still can't feel anything there but start putting some moisturing lotion on it. On the third day or so, this sucker is getting really painful. I now begin to feel some sort of vertical "line" or crack in the skin starting at the top of my butt crack and going down maybe an inch or so. There was never any bleeding but i figured i somehow (?) developed a crack in the skin (a crack in my crack). It was extremely cold at might just before this occurred so i figured that had something to do with the skin getting dry and inelastic, causing it to crack and then lengthen due to the natural tightness of the skin around that area. I also got the idea to put some chapstick on it (wonderdrug #1). By now, the thing had become excruciatingly painful. At this point, bending over was almost impossible and putting on and tying shoes was a challenge. Sleeping was a bitch as anything which even brushed by the area caused very serious pain and discomfort. When getting into my car, i had to ease myself down onto the seat putting most of the weight on my arms, then grit my teeth until i got to work and ease myself back out. Then, i had to sit all day leaning on one butt cheek or the other. Around this time, i decided to scrap the lotions and the chapstick and solely use neosporin ointment (wonderdrug #2) (which, i discovered, now comes with topical pain relief!). Since i couldn't see back there, i got the bright idea to take some pics with my digital camera. This actually proved to be a remarkedly difficult thing to do! But i was determined. After 45 minutes and 100 or so picture attempts, i finally got some visual (a useful thing for this website perhaps). There appeared to be a nasty red line (almost like a scar) starting at the top of my butt crack and extending downward and maybe an inch long (hard to tell the actual length). I continued to slather the area with neosporin and tried to grin and bear it since, "any day now it will start to heal". Well, somewhere around the 5th day, the pain did seem to be a little less. When i applied the neosporin, i now also began to feel some "roughness" in the skin and figured that was a sign the skin was beginning to heal (well, not exactly - see below). The next day the pain was even less but then, Phase II (the itching) began. This was no ordinary itch but more akin to some fiendish terrorist torture technique. Forget waterboarding, this was itching to the point of being painful. Even the slightest touch could set off a bout of intense itching which would make you want to reach for the number 50 grit sandpaper. But, i somehow controlled myself. Fortunately, Phase II only lasted about two days. Now, the pain and itching are mostly gone (Phase I and II) but i am now into Phase III. Remember the "rough" skin i mentioned? Well, those actually turned out to be a gaggle of white irregularly shaped bumpy "blister" looking things which have now appeared on the inside of my butt cheeks (adjacent to but not on the actual "line" which i initially observed). I actually think the itching was due to these little suckers breaking through the skin as they formed (a year ago i ate some -really- spicy food and i got tiny little blisters on my fingers for several days and they itched like a bitch but only when they first formed). Ok, so that is where i am now (a little over a week after the start). Will these "butt blisters" spread or go will they go away and what are they? I haven't a clue. Looking things up on the internet yields everything from herpes to genital warts to shingles to pilonidal cysts to eczema and psoriasis. Naturally, it's easy to think you've got 'em all! Given then swiftness of the onset, i suppose it could even be an allergic reaction but why in that area? Then i stumbled upon this website and thought i would put up a post to see if any of this rings a bell with someone here. What other "Phases" can i expect to occur? Obviously, this hasn't been a protracted thing over years like many sufferers on this site have but if anyone can shed some light on what this might be, it would be appreciated! Thanks in advance!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Hello, Johnbutt: The next 'phase' you can expect is the wave of advice to see your doctor! Believe me, we on this site cannot diagnose pilonidal cysts or even fissures. Your case sounds painful and irritating. See the doc!

Found the Cure's picture

OK folks. This site has been a blessing to those suffering from this affliction. I was distressed that no one seemed to have the answer to this problem though. My asscrackitis got to the point of being SO PAINFUL that I could no longer sit and I was dedicated to finding out EXACTLY what this was......and I did.
Folks, some were's YEAST! yes YEAST! and in a matter of 24 hrs I got relief after suffering for over a month with trying different things. First off understand what encourages the growth of YEAST. Moist, warm conditions and yes,food in form of poop especially when full of the food groups they like...sugar being one of them. My outbreak became horrible after Christimas and all the sweet eating. GET OFF THE SUGAR folks, not just for your yeast but for other health reasons (this includes anything that metabloizes into sugar like breads, etc...) so once you get out of denial that it's actually a YEAST infection follow these steps. I am 100% positive you will get relief within 24 hrs..

1) Clean and dry afficted area as needed (whenever it starts to itch)
2) Apply vaginal (equate generic Walmart brand is what I used) to area
3) Avoid sitting on or wearing clothing that do not allow for airflow for the first 24-48 hrs. Also avoid bending or activities that re-injure ass "crack" allow to heal during this 24-48 hrs.
4) Once area starts to itch again (and it will) repeat by cleaning, drying, re-applying creme and allowing to "breathe"
5) You may not get immediate releif but pain will subside within 24 hrs, rash will reduce within 48 hrs
6) continue for 7 days or until rash and "cracks" are healed
7) Eliminate behavior that leads to yeast infections...i.e. antibiotic use, damp, dirty ass cracks, excessive sugar (food for yeast)to name a few

This works need to suffer anymore. It is what it is and it's YEAST! go get healed!!!

Raymond Conrad's picture

Thank you for the suggestion about yeast. Do not yeast problems cause itching though? I do not have itching with it just a sore crack. I'll try my tissue paper remedy first to see if it works.

Raymond Conrad's picture

Mmmm. Tissue treatment worked beautifully. Just one piece of soft toilet tissue. Roll it like a cigarette then fold into a V shape. Insert in crack v pointing down. If you are like me it is held in place by the bum cheeks. This enables air to get there and keeps it all dry. No creams or anything. It took about six days but there was a big improvement after one day and a gradual improvement onward.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I went through a week of hell, my ass crack from top to bottom was burning red itchy scaley and starting to crack. I tried vaseline and A & D ointment for diaper rash. Nothing helped I was about to see a doctor, an embarassment I was not looking forward to. As a last resort I tried an anti-fungal cream for athletes foot and jock itch. The relief was almost immediate. I had jock itch in my ass crack. 43 years old never had jock itch before and now somehow grew this fungus in my ass crack. Use the cream not the spray as it is like putting liquid fire on your rectum. Good luck I hope this helps some other poor asshole.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

AC, I enjoy making my doctor look at my butthole and show it with a great deal of pride. It took me almost 70 years to develop the lovely patina that encircles it.

The wrinkles are webbed with fine brown lines just like Arizona web turquoise and the polyp that hangs in the 2 o'clock position is like a beautiful star ruby. I haven't decided which museum to bequeath this work of art to but lucky is the doctor who is allowed to view this treasure. Several of them have commented that it literally takes their breath.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points

Taking their breath away and holding their breath are two different actions.
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Nice post, Chief! Your poetic description of your anus brings to mind the description of King Gordianus's concubines: "For use, not for ostentation." And yet, a little ostentation is not all bad for one's "work of art."

I haven't had a doctor view my anus lately, but my skin doctor did check my bare bottom, on which (along with most of my back) was a rough rash. She advised Dove soap and oatmeal-based salve, and she prescribed a skin lotion that the pharmacist had to mix up in the store; the rash is now gone.

John B's picture

1 comment...Oil of Oregano. Works fantastic for me for anal itching, cracks and bleeding. Burns going on but itching relief is instant. If I feel a sore starting up I put a couple of drops on and it gets better in a couple of days. No more open, bleeding sores or cracks that develop. I used to think it was from all of the cycling that I did but my bike was down for the count for a few months and the sporadic anal problems never went away until I experimented with oil of oregano. I used it on a dog bite because there was no doctors where I was in Mexico once and I didn't want to fly back to Canada. I wouldn't recommend that to everyone but my infection from the dog bite was gone in the morning. I figured if it was strong enough for that why not try it on my anal area...with great results. This is one happy, hooked on oregano, camper. I use an organic version that I get in British Columbia when I go home for visits. I always buy extra and give it to people. Off topic but for me another miracle cure for inflammation is castor oil. Yes the crap my mother used to make me drink as a kid. I used to think she was trying to kill me. I had an incredibly sore and incapacitating swollen knee a couple of years ago and my family doctor prescribed life-shortening pharmaceuticals (prescription cost $30 and a list a page long of side effects including liver and other organ damage). A naturopathic doctor told me to buy pure castor oil at a local drug store (cost $5 and no side effects) and apply it liberally 3 times a day to the knee and wrap it with a tensor bandage...pain gone the next day, walking fine on day two, climbing stairs with no side effects on day three. Have since recommended it to friends with problems with great results. My two cents worth...

Anonymous Coward's picture

i have a crack in my crack too. i went to the doctor and she said she didn't know what it is. i also have a fissure but that is a separate issue and i am dealing with the fissure. i believe the crack is frm too much moisture and probably from using cream to alleviate the pain of the fissure. i can't caatch a break, if it's not one thing, it's something else. anyway, i am stopping using creams on my butt. i may get some vagasil or similar to see if this has something to do with yeast. i think the person who mentioned excess sugar may be on to something. i will avoid sugars. i feel like this is systemic candida

pammiegapeach's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Read a bunch of these posts the other day and laughed until I cried, garnered good information and realized, above all, that I have found a group of people who understand how painful this condition is! It is amazing to find a place where we can "talk" about what is funny but not funny and be understood.

I am also glad to finally have a name to call it. I have only ever talked to a couple of people about this (in my family) and got that deer in the headlights look in return while I tried to explain it.

Here is what works for me:

First of all don't scratch! If I ever do start scratching I can't stop until I have made the area very raw, which makes it harder to deal with.

The main thing in treating is to make sure the area is clean and dry. I do this by using a baby wipe and then drying with a clean, dry was cloth.

Then I put on a plastic glove, the disposable kind that come like 50 to a box. This is so that I do not have an urge to scratch while I am applying whatever I have decided to use that day.

Desitin diaper rash ointment has been working well for me, although many of the other things posters have listed here have worked too. I think maybe it is a good idea to switch off now and again.

So I put a little Desitin (or whatever) on one finger tip of the glove and gently but thoroughly rub it in to the affected area. When I have an outbreak, I may have to do this up to three times a day.

I was also happy to be informed that regular sized people get asscrackitis as well. I have been in bed a lot for almost a year now from a foot injury and have gained a lot of weight and I figured it was the weight gain (which probably was a factor) but from reading the other posts, probably the bigger problem is not being active.

Again, good to have found this place!
There is nothing more satisfying than a good poop in the morning!

There is nothing more satisfying than a good poop in the morning!

Anonymous's picture

$4 generic jock itch cream found at any grocery store.
completely healed in a week.

Anonymous's picture

I've been suffering from this for 5 years now. I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease and I had a very unique symptom which I fondly call Acid Butt or just Acid when it public. For me it feels like someone poured acid into my crack and then used sandpaper. My doctor never found anything and there was no discharge. Recently I acquired a crack above my butt crack which brought me to this site. I was given some cream at the hospital for my butt (begins with a C but can't remember it and need to locate it soon). Going through my drawers, here's a list of what didn't work:
Tucks Hydrocortisone cream
Balmex (zinc oxide diaper rash cream)
Johnson's No more Rash
A+D Ointment

Also, baby wipes only make it worse. They do make sure you're cleaner but they dry out your skin and only bring on more aggravated attacks. I was also given O-B Sponges to use to apply cream and I must say they are amazing. I don't know if you can get them anywhere but I love mine. They are by Kendall and are 2 ply. That's another thing. Invest in decent toilet paper. I prefer Charmin Extra Soft and have been quite displeased with the Angel Soft brand. And the more ply the better. I carry a supply of toilet paper with me as well as some kind of cream.

(sorry it was so long, I'm just so happy I'm not alone!)

Got Guts? Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America

Anonymous's picture

First, thank you all for your extreme candor. I feel just horrible reading these as I can unfortunately relate to this dreaded plight, but I just spent the last 30 min, non stop laughing my ass off (no pun), I got tears in my eyes, and my wife just walked by, and asked me if I was on something. Wow!

Now, I feel compelled to share what I have learned from my ass-periences. From what I have read, most sound like fungal/yeast infections. In of themselves are tough to combat due to the happy growing environment that is provided them, moist dank, with a smattering of bacteria. Diet does play a role as does folks with diabetes or other compromised immunity systems. In the normal digestive system (stomach, large poop piping, and the small poop piping) we have the necessary flora and fauna, and acids to balance PH, and keep unhealthy bacteria and fungus in check. A dose of antibiotics will crash the system or consuming too much yeasty foods, or sugar and gluten can make for a ripe chemical batch of extreme yeasties. So, the first line of defense is looking at what you ingesting on a regular bases and adjust if necessary and supplement with good probiotics like Acidophilus. If you don’t fix this problem, it’s going to return regularly, regardless of how well you clean, dry and cream. Basically, your pooper and cheeks are like toxic factories effluent pipe spewing out all sorts of nasty’s. If it emitting toxic waste, guess what, it’s going to harm the immediate environment that it comes in contact with, in this case your poop cheeks.

Fix the diet, keep the poop area clean and dry, and use an occasional anti-fungal cream to get the immediate symptoms under control. I highly recommend the blow dryer that many of you mentioned. And wash your towels after each use, you will continue to spread it if you reuse your shower towels. Especially, do this if you live in the deep hot humid south, where they won’t rack dry.

Anal fishers and hemorrhoids are something completely different. If you see fresh blood in your poop (you know you look) or on the t-paper, you should consult your physician and have a poop-scope-oscopy. These maladies are not typically associated with rashes and would be concentrated in or around the actual pooper opening, it’s a deeper problem so to speak.

Sebaceous Cyst, and Pilonidal Cyst, god help you if get one of these. Yes, I had one, and it aren’t no fun, and yes they hurt like a mofo. Also, as they are in a most inaccessible area, they require you to enlist a second party for assistance. (more later on how to recruit for this position). These (Pilonidal) are located at the base of your tail-bone, at the top of the crackage. If you have a bump, a hole or what looks like a pink vein right under the skin in that area, don’t mess with it! These are sometimes acquired at birth, (thanks mom) or formed on the go from hair and skin sloffing off enveloping into a pocket or sinuous. If and when and they will get infected, by way of close proximity to the pooper, it’s goona be a bad week for you. Typically, not in all cases, but they will not go away on their own, get inflamed from time to time and (may) require surgery to completely remove them. Do not scratch open the sinus line, it is close to the skin and easily broken, it don’t heal so fast or good, because it’s a sinus membrane. If you want to Google it, to learn more and find out all the fun stuff they find inside, it is quit surprising in some cases. Tell your partner, if your lucky enough to find one, not to stand or squat in this case, eye to cyst and try to squeeze it. The puss is THE most disgusting smelling, foul, liquid and you don’t want that squirted on your face… Just trust me on this one. If it happens, your gonna need to marry that person if you’re not already hitched.

If you’re the anal type, (i.e. like Monk) which I think you are, because you’re on this site and you r fastidious about keeping your bottom clean, knowing first hand where untidy habits can lead you to. You may have ventured into hair removal of the poopish area thus eliminating the cause of dreaded dingle berry. This practice can lead to further complications if you’re a harry beast and prone to ingrown hairs. Be very careful with that razors!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Heh. Anal fishers. I can't help it. I'm imagining some little guy sitting over a bung with a pole and a piece of corn at the end of a teeny tiny fishing pole.

(It's anal fissures.)

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Anonymous's picture

WOW!!! I never truly expected to find a huge discussion board on this subject! I just googled the symptoms and this page came up. It is good to hear that others suffer from the same symptoms I do. My asscrackitis is located at the top just where my crack begins. My husband says it looks like one of the cats scratched me real good. It feels like a bad "scratch" also. It doesn't have any kind of smell or pus either. It just itches very badly and will not heal. It is a bad "scratch" all the time. I have used triple antibiotic ointment, medicated powder, diaper rash cream, and peroxide and still, nothing helps. I make sure it is completely dry when I get out of the shower and every time I use the restroom. I haven't wore things in a long time. I wear "boy short" underwear and rarely get wedgies. I plan on soaking in Epsom salt tonight and see if that helps. Out of all the things I have read from everyone, the only thing I haven't tried is anti-fungal cream (or would the spray be better?). Thank you for all the ideas and the support you give each other, I truly appreciate it!

notenoughpoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

geez these comments are years old, I wonder if this site is still going. Your name cracks me up. What kind of Aveeno cream, aren't there lots?

notenoughpoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Goodness, you sure seem to know alot about this malady, must be your "area of expertise" as it were. In any event, I'm thinking I got mine BECAUSE of probiotics. I don't use antibiotics but someone told me to take probiotics just to be healthier, and the day after I took them the gas pains were really bad, complete with not going poop, but sharting! And then this asscrackitis thing! These posts are discouraging, will I have this forever?? I must admit, I wiped the hell out of my crack after sharting once without knowing it and then discovering it later! Maybe I wiped so hard I "ripped myself a new one" so to speak. Geez, I'll employ these methods and hope one "sticks"

notenoughpoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

After I told you my saga, I forgot to mention that I not only wiped excessively after the sharting incident but of course I washed and continue to be very clean in that area............. I'm afraid to even look for some sort of fissure or "hole" forgodsakes. I just hope this goes away!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

notenoughpoo, Poop is a timeless subject, it is a basic act that was even popular back in the stone age. They probably even joked about it back then too.

Ugh, smell like buffalo crawl up Og's ass and die!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Anonymous's picture

Personally I think the ass is growing, I get it from time to time then I get on the scale and realize I've 5 pounds heavier

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