Remembering Your Worst Porcelain Nightmare

// // 18 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

An anonymous person wrote to me a while back and asked what was the dirtiest bathroom that I held in my memory. Believe it or not the question stumped me. Of all the roadside rest areas, porta-potties, traveling fair field toilets and public restrooms that I've had to use in my life, few stood out as truly filthy disgusting off the top of my head. One of them was the restroom in the now nonexistent Kentucky Fried Chicken in Hermitage, Pennsylvania. To this day I cannot understand how a chain restaurant could get away with having such a dirty bathroom. The floors were wet slimy cement and were covered in toilet paper, and the toilets were porcelain horrors, stained from years of neglect. The stink was, well, it stunk.

There was also a soldier's bathroom in Fort Polk, Louisiana, that stands out in my mind as being particularly nasty. His family had already relocated, and he was being put out for not getting promoted to sergeant in time. I think he'd been a specialist for close to ten years. Since the family was gone he let his housing go to shit. The toilet and surrounding walls were caked with pee sprinkles and watery poop stains. He was truly a gross individual.

And yet, the one bathroom that I think of repeatedly throughout the years is the public restroom in the Sears of the Shenango Valley Mall. The cleanliness level was never the issue; instead, it was the stink of the place. I have visited that store's bathroom over a thirty-five year period, and it has always smelled the same -- like incredibly strong pee-pee. I think that bathroom could be scrubbed from top to bottom with bleach and it would still smell like pee. It's the strongest pee smell that I have ever smelled. It has made me gag, as a matter of fact. And if you've ever been in that bathroom then you know what I'm talking about.

Of course there have been nasty porta-potties and gas station restrooms that I've had to use, but as the years have flown by I've see a change. More and more during trips with Mr. Daphne I will visit a Slurpee Mart bathroom that instead of stinking is downright pristine. The newer fast food restaurants have gorgeous bathrooms. The floor tile is expensive, and the cubicles are lined with it instead of being closed off by standard industrial stall walling. I do not think the nasty public toilet will ever die out, but I do see a new breed of hygeine conscious chain store CEOs who may have sat on a porcelain horror of their own at one time or another, and these corporate big wigs are building better shitters.

I'd like to know what you think about this hypothesis, and if you remember the worst bathroom that you've ever had to use, tell us about it.

18 Comments on "Remembering Your Worst Porcelain Nightmare"

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Over 40 years ago, before most of today's interstate highways existed, we traveled through Louisiana, toward New Orleans; we stopped for gas and a pit stop. I saw a men's room outside, around the corner. The door didn't close all the way. I stepped inside to see a single toilet totally overflowing with poop and stained paper. The only place to pee was the sink, so (in desperation) I used it. It was hard to get out the door again without stepping in poop. The smell was--well--ripe. As we were leaving, I complained to the attendant about the dirty bathroom. He stared at me a moment, then said, "The white bathroom is inside." That was one of my first graphic views of segregation in the old South.

Daphne, I think your hypothesis has some merit; however, some of the impetus in this part of the country came from changes in both the letter and the enforcement of the law. I'd bet that a lot of CEOs of chain stores rarely set foot--let alone bottom--in the stores themselves.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I have seen, and smelled, my share of filthy bathrooms all over the world but, the one that stands out in my mind as having reached an unsurpassed level of nastiness was in the enlisted men's toilet at McGuire AFB, New Jersey.

It was the subject of the first story I wrote for poop report. Rather than repeat the whole thing here I shall leave the following URL that the curious can cut and paste. It is not recommended that you eat while reading, especially ice cream sundaes!

http://www.poopreport.com/Stories/to_the_mountain.html


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points

Three words: Kentucky welcome center.
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

The grossest one I've ever used was a pit toilet at a makeshift clinic site in Honduras. I was on a mission trip with a bunch of doctors and nurses and we went to some godforsaken little town where they had no plumbing. The toilet was, no joke, a wooden box with a hole in it that covered a pit and it was out in the open. I had to pee, so I had my friends hold up a makeshift curtain made out of towels around me so the entire world wouldn't be able to see me going to the bathroom. Seriously, I was considering going into the woods somewhere to find some privacy.


_______
An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

coachb12's picture

It's ironic that you mention Hermitage and Shenango Valley. My softball team played 2 tournaments at The Council of Government Complex. It was run by a man who owned a local construction company,Charles Gibbs. Clean indoor bathroom and plenty of clean port-a-pottys. We went 12-4 and finished 2nd twice in 2007 and 2008. Sunbury was filthy. Girlfriends and wives opted for the bushes. The old bathrooms at The ASA Complex in Staten Island couldn't be used unless you had a Hazmat suit. Same goes for Shea Stadium 1964-2008 RIP. The worst had to be the 34th street subway station in NYC. I was in shit in my pants mode so I used it.

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points


I concur your hypothesis Daphne, and agree with MSG's notion of CEO
class struggle.
I've been to Dachau and Buchenwald...but it was Buchenwald where I stumbled upon a free standing building that had intact a few tile " medical subject" tables inside. It was a moment that shook my bones. There was what looked like a nook around the corner from where the tables were. When I ventured further, I was staring into a dark room...no lights..I went in. The stucco walls were a charcol color and the room stench I've never encountered since...death on the walls, burnt flesh organs, bones, and perhaps feces that after some 60 plus years, the stench is embetted forever.

_
Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

paco44's picture

I had to use a bathroom in some national park out west that was truly terrible. It was supposed to be one of the pit toilets, that just had one of the 15 foot deep holes under it, but somebody "modified" it. Somebody took a big piece of plywood, and cut it to the toilet's dimensions, and wedged it under the seat. Now, it was a toilet where the bottom was 6 inches under the seat, piling up all the poop right under your butt. I had an emergency and absolutely had to poop, and when I saw it I literally almost passed out. There were so many turds of different types in there, it was sick. I had no time, because the next bathroom was a mile down the trail, and had to poop on it. It was disgusting muddy diarrhea, and cemented all the turds in there together. I've never pooped more in my life.

Anonymous Coward's picture

The worst shitter I have encountered was at a gas station outside a small town in Missouri. It had the bathroom outside, I went a retrieved the key, the guy said "good luck". First clue relief was not coming. I walked to the door j locked it and we hit with a smell, that was out of this world. The toilet was clogged and unless the pad lock was locked the door would not shut, the womens wasn't so bad according to my wife... But as I stood there I realized I had to drop this load. Quickly weighing my options I hovered over the shitter and released, about that time wind blows the door wide open. There was a lady and her son waiting on my wife to vacate... This was bad...the door blew out so I could not close it, I wasn't entirely sure I was landing I'm the nearly filled stool... The lady at first just stood there in shock I believe, either that or she realized just how full the toilet was, but she watched... I had to go so bad there was no stopping, my biggest problem was I now had to pee, which I wasn't entrly sure what it would hit, I panicked I did not want to give a full peep show, but was about to when she finally closed the door... I was grateful for that because about the time the toilet reached its limit and I shit on the floor..... I moved to the wall finished my massive hadn't shit in two days shit, decided to just piss on the floor in the corner and move on... The lady was waiting on her son when I came out... I just said "it ain't pretty" and got in the car and left... I did not even return the key.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Omg, Coach. You would not believe that I played at COG field many times. In fact, I was on the first girl's state championship team from that area in 1987, and the state tournament was held there. It is indeed a small world.

I have to ask since you play softball. Do you remember the old field that used to be on East State Street across from the new defunct County Market? The one that was in front of that beautiful field of woods?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

MSG, I forgot to comment on your thought. It would definitely stand to reason that new hygiene research and laws would make an impact on corporate standards. Excellent post!

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Frank Benway's picture
l 100+ points

Interesting that somebody mentioned New Orleans. The worst toilet I've ever seen was there as well. My old band had just played a gig one Saturday night in the city. As was customary, we stayed at the La Quinta inn on Veterans Memorial drive in Metairie. There was a Denny's we always ate at attached to the hotel. It was a Mardi Gras weekend, and it was like three in the morning. There was a pile of cake batter and TP rising about three inches above the seat. The entire floor and walls were befouled with a mixture of piss, booze vomit, wet toilet paper and sprayed liquid feces. It was wall- to -wall, man, let me tell you. I had just scarfed down some chicken- fried steak, and was none too sober myself. I had to shit soooooo bad. I reluctantly dropped 501's and crouch- sprayed the general area of the toilet.

Frank Benway's picture
l 100+ points

I remembered another one. My dad had come over to my apartment with a gallon of vodka and martini fixins. Me, him and my two roommates, Chase abd Cris proceeded to annihilate the rocket fuel over the next few hours. It was decided that we would go down the street to Mel's Diner for some food and a few beers. Cris was in pretty bad shape, so he stayed behind. He had spent the afternoon at The Bulldog Bar drinking beers and enjoying their wednesday dollar burger special. When we left he was passed out on the floor
In a fetal position. When Chase and I got back, the entire house was dark. We heard an eerie mumbling coming from the bathroom. Somehow we knew this would be good, so Chase grabbed his video camera. We busted into the bathroom, flicked on the light, and were blown back by the smell and sight of abject horror and human degradation. Cris was standing, but bent in two like an upside down V. He was drooling, but it was going up his face instead of down. He was alternately mumbling, then screaming "BULLDOG BURGER!", over and over again. There was puke EVERYWHERE . Everywhere. EXCEPT THE TOILET. It was totally pristine. The mirror, sink, floor, and walls were a technicolor horror show. I'd never seen anything like it. Cris was coated in vomit from head to toe. When I went to check on him later, i was disgusted to find he had curled up in my sleeping bag covered in filth. So i finished the job and doused him with about 3 cans of shaving cream. It was almost as funny watching him wake up from the blackout and "rediscover" everything that went down. Then we showed him the video.

coachb12's picture

The reason we drove 350 miles across route 80 is because my pitchers could not conform to the very strict modified rules The tournament in Drifton uses. We wanted to find a Labor Day Tournament that let our pitchers throw. You have to start with both feet on the rubber take one step forward and release the ball with an underhanded bowling motion. In New York you can sling the ball. Your wrist can come to the side 6 inches from your elbow. Mr.Gibbs got himself into a pickle when he advertised strictly modified and allowed pitchers to sling. They are advertising for tournaments on softballfans.com.

Anonymous Coward's picture

Mexico. Early 1990's. Mid summer. Port-a-potty. Think "Mt. Fuji." The horror.

Mrs. Poopy Pants's picture

The worst bathroom I've ever seen? It's in my hometown, Stockton, CA.
A bar, that I don't frequent. I have IBS and it just decided to kick in about ten minutes of my arrival. The bathroom wasn't really filthy, per se, it was a little unkempt, sure. But the smell...oh that smell. It was poop, vomit & the fishiest smell I have ever smelt, and not even anywhere near the ocean. Ugh. Never again!

BonifiedDoubleFlush's picture

I worked for 11.5 years at a tech company. The bathroom right outside of my bull pen was truly gross. First off, it had no ventilation and smelled like a barn yard. Second, is I can't figure out what these people were eating. We had a guy we called "The Stall 2 Killer". On the odd occasion I couldn't make it to another restroom and had to use a stall, I was always mortified. There was always poop splattered up the back of the bowl and sometimes on the seat. It looked like people were standing on the seat to let loose. I always hated when I'd get splash back. I'd then spend the rest of the day wondering what was laying eggs inside of me.

Thankfully, I now work at a place where the bathrooms aren't nearly as disgusting.

Concert Junkie's picture

I think one of the worst bathrooms I have ever been into were port a porgies at a Hinder Concert. My husband and I love concerts, but my IBS doesn't always. And this day it did not cooperate. The first time I went in it was not too bad I went in and realized it probably hadn't been used yet, score for me! However as the night progressed and much alcohol was consumed the toilets got nasty...one dude didn't even bother closing the door or sitting before he spewed, my last trip to the potties was bad by then they were all desecrated. It's amazing how many drunks try to shit in the urinals and pee all over everything else. 4 trips later for me and I was done with the port a potties, which was wonderful cause they were almost not useable anymore.

I have also had bad experiences with gas stations whose bathrooms are on the outside...they are often bad and doors rarely work right... I have shit inane trash cans in these....

I also had a bad experience at a local state park... I was with some friends, one of which knew I had issues with IBS, we had went into a two stall bathroom only to find no stalls, the door did not exist, the wall provided cover luckily. And you could hear the issues the guy next door was having... Needless to say, my friend has a better understanding of my IBS.

I am sure if I think long enough I can give you more horror stories.... College dorm coed bathroom, bad news... And many more but I will save them for later,

Poop on and Prosper!

IBSSUCKS's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Several come to mind, but the worst would have to be at a gas station off I-70, I was with my wife, and another couple, I went in to the guys and me and Matt realized we had no stalls, but that didn't matter I sat down began to shit when my wife texted me a picture of there completely unusable bathroom. The toilets were nasty one was clogged, floating tampons in them, it was horrible. All the attendant could tell them was to beg us to let them use the guys.... We let them in to there business while I did mine, to this day we shudder as we pass by that station.

Post new comment

  • Allowed HTML tags: s:62:"<em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd> <br>";
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.

More information about formatting options

CAPTCHA
This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
To prevent automated spam submissions leave this field empty.