Eternal Debates: Walk Or Run?

PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb


In a state of emergency, is it better to make a mad dash or just squeeze tight and calmly walk?

61 Comments on "Eternal Debates: Walk Or Run?"

Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ points

I think it depends on the situation. If the flood gates haven't opened yet, then WALK don't run. As soon as your pooper senses fear, it will release it's payload. But, if you calmly walk never letting on the impending doom, you will most likely avoid calamity.

But.... If you are in dire a situation and have already shit yourself, then by all means, haul ass to wherever it is you need to get to. The damage has already been done. You mide as well try to save face or make some people laugh at you. Because no matter how you wipe it, you're fucked.

-Pill Pooper

ThreePly's picture

Nothing good has ever come from me running to the bathroom when my butt went into labor. Walking promotes calm throughout the body no matter what the occasion may be, where as running makes the heart race, your blood to flow more rapidly, and more of your internal organs begin to operate more readily. This only makes your body want to circulate things faster, including waste. It may seem more agonizing, but the likelihood of an eruption is lessened when your body isn't moving at such a rapid pace. At least that's been my experience.

shitass's picture

I agree with threeply, but once you've shit yourself, by all means , run.

Long and Pointy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I have had numerous close calls and have found that a brisk walk is the best way to get speed while avoiding shaking things up unnecessarily.

Another consideration is that if you're already turtling (or are barely holding back) and have the "cheek clamp" applied, you can't run without unclamping and risking a mudslide. Some may dispute this but I have always found that clamping and running are mutually exclusive.

The only time when running is justified is when you know the place your running to is a one-holer and you see somebody with less urgency going to the same place and on place to arrive before you.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I mostly agree with the above statements, but have two ammendments to make:

Running is appropriate in some instances. If you feel that hurrying might help you make it, you have to decide if running will cause the shit to happen prematurely. You should be able to tell if you can hold on during a sprint. Act accordingly.

I can think of no situation where I crapped my pants and then running made things better. Even if you're in company, running may exacerbate the situation by causing the newly minted turd to come loose, running down your legs and creating a bigger mess. Containment is the key now that the deed is done. If you're by yourself, by all means, stop right there, take off your pants and discard the soiled undergarments. Then hurry to the appropraite facility.

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

What about that recent episode of The Daily Download where Chris tried to poop while running but he couldn't? Although I guess he wasn't at DEFCOM 5 -- he was trying to push it out, not hold it in.

Pvt Pile's picture

walking is better, your concentration is more focused. Running makes you bounce, your heart rate goes up, etc...

the walking stride is also shorter then running so you can keep your ass together better.

The Man with the Golden Buns's picture

I'd like to call everyone's attention to an episode of Jackass, that show that ran for a couple of years on MTV. One of my favorite bits was when Raab Himself gobbled 18 chocloate laxatives, strapped on a jock and then ran at top speed while blowing dookie. Apparently, he'd gotten the idea from a George Carlin joke in which he noted that one of the things you never see is someone "taking a shit while running at top speed." Raab did it. Man, what a frickin' mess! It was all over him and he was in tears from laughing so hard. It's available for download on the Web and worth the time.

HoldOnImBusyOnTheToilet's picture

The experiences I have discovered is that I you need to shit and you HAVE TO GET TO THE BATHROOM you walk. If I do run for some reason I get to the bathroom and find that I need to shit but it is holding back and I really need to push hard. Walking is the key to fecal enlightenment.

Scatalogique's picture

I have to agree with what is being said here. As an IBS sufferer and therefore having suffered numerous close calls (although no diarrhea disasters... yet) I can attest to the walk being safer than the run. My bowels respond very badly to panic, so my best bet in a fecal emergency is the same as in any emergency: Stay calm and composed.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

When I'm caught in no-man's land at DEFCOM 5, I have cramping cycles, with increasingly short intervals between them. At the peak of each cramp, I often stop completely to focus all my strength on securing the trap door. When the cramp passes, I've got say 30 seconds to the start of the next cramp. I believe I could run for those 30 seconds. I've never tried it, though, because this all happens in public (if I was alone, I'd drop and cover). If people saw a guy running for 30 seconds, and than standing still for 20, they would quickly figure out that he wasn


Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Solid logs: Run. If you don't run, you will spend needless time suffering from the urge to shit.
Soft shit: walk slowly and apply extra pressure to hold the buttcheeks together. If you don't, the motion will cause small spurts that stick to your buttcrack and underwear.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

If you learn to clamp your buttcheeks it doesn't matter if you walk or run. I've never had leakage while running. Running just gets me to the toilet faster.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

"If you learn to clamp your buttcheeks..." TSV. Are there some secrets here that you've discovered which ordinary folk aren't likey to know -- a training regime, perhaps, that involves carrying heavier and heavier objects in one's crack?


Slim Jim Junkie's picture

If her technique is the same as mine, the idea is to imagine that you are trying to hold a coin with your ass cheek muscles.

Ana Latentive's picture

-- If her technique is the same as mine, the idea is to imagine that you are trying to hold a coin with your ass cheek muscles. --

Is this the origin of the phrase "to spend a penny"? Or "waiting for the penny to drop"?

Ana Latentive's picture

In a shit emergency I usually opt for walking *carefully*, feeling that running could spell loss of control. When the situation is really dire, it may not make much difference what you do, though. I have used the technique of standing still to get control. I disagree that running with a solid load is the way to go, at least for me. When I'm experiencing *that type* of desperation, I still feel that moving too fast may get "things moving too fast!"
I'll have to ask my wife about this, as neither of us is unfamiliar with SLEs, "solid load emergencies." Usually these happen when on trips.

Tronald Dump's picture

TSV: i like the idea of "clamping your buttcheeks", but it immidiately reminded me of watching someone throw up with their mouth closed. Cheeks puff out suddenly, and small streams of vomit spurt in different directions. Then gag #2, vomit still filling the mouth from gag #1 and everything goes. Vomit slaps the ground, torrents of puke rush forth.

But cheek clamping, i fear, may lead to the same thing, only with shit.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Yes, logjam, I have a way to develop your butt muscles. It's a simple little product called the Butt Master.

Tronald, this image you brought up is great but as of yet I have never had this happen. I suppose it depends on the distance between initial butt-lock proceedure and the launching pad (i.e. toilet). So far I have never had a Challenger event while running with butt-clamp.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Ben's picture

In a recent episode, I walked calmly. Stopped to collect myself-even spoke to myself"Don't let go". However tight you squeeze, there is a point when you can squeeze no more. That was exactly what happened-and it was solid!!! Thank God only a small amount leaked out and didn't soil my underwear. Later a friend offered this advice: Don't hold the squeeze constantly-there are moments when you can relax till the urge returns. In between one MUST relax before re-squeezing. Otherwise, squeeze fatigue will set in and lead to leakage.

Long and Pointy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Re: Ben's comment about relaxing the muscles occasionally.

That only works for a solid. When you relax, the stool --and don't ask me to explain the physics or body mechanics-- retreats back into the sphincter.

This does NOT happen with loose, watery stools. This is a gamble that every person in this situation should evaluate based on previous episodes, intuition about the situation, cheek strength, etc.

See my first comment on this threat (fourth one down).

Ben's picture

Long and pointy,

I do get your point. Whether solid or liquid, isn't the contraction the cause for the urge? If that's the case, even watery sensations go away, unless it has reached a point of no return. The unfortunate recent incident proved, at least to me, constantly squeezing does not work. One is just wasting energy in those moments when squeezing is not required. Should apply the brakes only when necessary. Perhaps I am just getting old. I have had close calls many times before and managed to hold on. My first leakage was a BIG event!

Long and Pointry's picture


I don't know the answer to your question (if the contraction is the cause of the urge).

All I know (from experience) is that a slight loosening of the butt clamp can --for a solid stool-- slightly reduce urgency.

I have not found this to be the case for diarrhea.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Insert butt plug, cell phone, wallet, shoe, tape dispenser, water bottle, flash light, Altoids tin or what ever is handy, in to your anus. Then run like the wind while pulling up on your underwear to keep said object in place.

The Emir of Crapistan

a crappy lad's picture

I think if people would just take the time to crap before they leave the home or when they go to the bathroom to urinate people would not have to run or walk or stick your cell phone up your butt hole!

Crapmonger's picture

I agree with "a crappy lad," just take the time to try and poop when you think you need to. For diarrhea however, you're pretty much screwed, good luck.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Either way, I find myself victim of the notorious "Step farts" know what I mean...running seems to encourage looser glut grip...walking at a determined pace (farting on each step of course, for me) seems to be the best hope of making it before disass-ter strikes.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

MidEastCrapper's picture

Re: a crappy lad

There are instances when, even if you already crapped that day, you may have a sudden, urgent need to shit. This can be caused by diarhhea, or something that you just ate that doesn't agree with you.

The Chocolate Kiss's picture

It is impossible to clench your butt cheeks and run at the same time. If you run you are also telling everyone that sees you that you have baked your shit( held it) for too long and that you are desperate. The best thing is to walk at a moderate pace with your cheeks clenched so tight you could't fit a credit card between them. Ok so you end up walking like a penguin but it's better than filling your pants.

IT WASNT ME's picture
m 1+ points - Newb



runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I've had numerous "close calls" while out running, and I can say without a doubt that walking is the way to go. Running makes things makes your colon shake up and down. Sometimes I'll walk slowly and controllably to a restroom and sprint the last 50 yards or so to the toilet and THAT works well if you really do not want to wait for that turd at all.

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

Joel Ward's picture

I absolutely ruined my pants, and all because i ran instead of walked. I was panicking so i ran and therefore i filled my socks. What i am trying to say is you need to keep cool under the pressure otherwise you will end up with a trainer full of poo.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

This is probably because you panicked. Not because you ran. Getting scared or anxious makes people loosen their assholes. That is why you filled your socks.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Remember when "Race Walking" became an Olympic sport (1984, I think, maybe?)? That's what all those guys looked like. Like they were trying to make it to the bathroom in time. Now THERE'S a sport!

Anonymous Coward's picture

I shit my pants when i was with my friends and i pretended nothing happened. Now I have been diagnosed with drug induced psychosis because I think they were always talking about it when i was with them. I still think they knew the whole time but never said it to my face.

gastricbysplash's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Joel - your socks were obviously too loose!

I find it is better to stand for a moment and fight down the cramps, then walk purposefully toward the bathroom - hoping you don't run into anyone you know in the process!

Shit fondue's picture

I already tryed to run and i can tell ... just walk calmly it's better for everyone!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Does anyone remember the athlete that in 1984 Olympic games shit in middle of a walk race?..

Or did I just imagine that?...

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Not only did it happen (although it was a marathon, and in 1988), but In The Bushes discusses it in the new issue of The Journal of Ass Production. On sale Tuesday! (probably)

sharty mcfly's picture
l 100+ points

dude The Ventures wrote a song about this man, it's simple "Walk don't run" ok sorry that was a totally obscure surf music reference. anyway i had a friend that had to make this decision today and i'm not sure which he picked, i actually assume he walked clenched because that's how he departed the car. He still ruined his boxers, it's actually a really funny story we had to drive him to the student union so he could crap, and he still didn't make it! maybe i'll write it up. anyway walk run whatever, if you take your time and fail to interpret and yeild to the signs of an impending shit of doom, then you are summarily fucked, at a certain point there is no perfect solution, just a shitty salvage.

yours in time,

Sharty Mcfly

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

Turds can smell fear. Do not run. A determined look can convey a certain sense of urgency, but do not let it betray panic. As when one needs to desperately urinate, listening to running water can have deleterious effects, do not look a brown eyed person straight in the eyes. Above all, stay calm. Know your president supports you in this time of crisis.

Fecal Follies's picture
l 100+ points

"do not look a brown-eyed person straight in the eyes"

"Know your president supports you in this time of crisis"


Anomalous, I think I love you (you're a man, right? LOL)

And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

Lax Lela's picture

It must be the food or comparatively, the lack of exercise I get, but at the university I attend, I find that I take a laxative at least once a month.

Rarely does it work when I'm in my dorm room where we have the bathroom my roommate and I share. Once, I was in a computer lab and mid-way through writing a paper when the urge came, I quickly saved my work and didn't want to log out because I would lose my place, so I kept the computer on and pretty much ran to the other end of the floor where the restrooms are. All five stalls were taken and two girls were waiting so I ran downstairs and into a completely unoccupied bathroom--that was pretty much guaranteed because I couldn't find the light switch. I felt my way to the first stall and through myself onto the stool, bruising my thigh as I crashed into the toilet paper holder which was located a little lower than you would typically find. My bowels were emptied in about 15 seconds and I was mentally celebrating the feeling when the lights went on and someone entered. The student went into the stall immediately next to mine (I found out later there were only two stalls) and I heard pee but could only see a set of feet facing the stool. Could someone be pouring out their coffee or another drink??? Not wanting to leave my computer for too long, I wiped and went to the one sink. In the mirror I could see behind me a male student coming out of the stall very nonchalant. I didn't say anything but was quite surprised until I noticed the outside door's label of Unisex restroom.

Most recently, I was in the stacks of the library (and our information center complex is huge)looking for a primary source for my Medieval History paper when my laxative hit. I figured I had about 30 seconds to find the closest bathroom but in such a maze of stacks it must have taken me three minutes to find a student assistant who could point me to the one place on the third floor where the restrooms were. I deliberately slowed my pace and even though I was starting to sweat and feel nauseated, I felt I had best not panic. That was until I found the red on yellow bucket and sign in the doorway that it was closed for cleaning! ####! Not wanting to push my luck and limit the lifespan of the new outfit I was wearing, I simply walked to my right, opened the door to the mens room and asked if anyone was in there. Hearing no replay, I went in, selected the lone stall--it was an open stall but my options were limited--and I methodically sat down for one very satisfying poop. I hoped that I was correct in thinking that the "cleaning" sign outside would deter any other entrants and I was correct.

That night I was telling my roommate who is very naive (she is from a small Iowa farm town with 125 people) about my situation. When I told her about seeing the closed for cleaning sign, she said, "I would have shit!". Precisely!

Mall Rat's picture

Me and my friends hang out at the mall from when we walk over from our high school two or three days a week and we stay until about seven or eight o'clock. On Saturday, we are generally there by 10 a.m. and stay until early evening.

The problem is that there are so many students there when we are that the lines or three or four deep in the bathrooms. Sometimes they are longer. Yesterday after waiting about 10 minutes for a stall, I felt I was going to crap my pants so I left my line in the mall bathroom and practically ran into Penney's where I couldn't find a bathroom on the mall level but finally located one downstairs. Two stalls, both of them occupied! I then walked the escalator up to 3rd floor. Three stalls, all occupied. In looking out a window, I spotted a Firestone store about a half block across from the mall. I hurried over there and found a unisex toilet, but it was locked. I asked the desk manager for the key and he said it was for customers only. I told him I had to go real bad, but he wouldn't reconsider. I walked fast to a Burger King at the far end of the lot and practically ran to the ladies room which was open. My lucky day! However, the door was latched although I didn't see any legs under it or hear anything. My stool was ready to explode, but some moron had locked the stall door. I threw myself under it, hitting my head on the front of the toilet before I got up and quickly pulled down my jeans and panties just as I threw myself onto the toilet.

The blast of shit was over in about 25 seconds with almost a full bowl (about four days worth) but when I reached for the toilet paper roll for which to wipe, it was totally gone. I ended up with shit in my pants because I couldn't wipe and I slowly walked back to the main restroom in the mall. The stalls (all three of them)were now open and I choose the middle one in which to clean myself. Again, no toilet paper! Both of the adjacent stalls had some toilet paper left and I used it all up. On top of that, I still finished the job by using a brown paper towel from the dispenser. It was a bit rough to use but it did the job.

There needs to be more stalls in the mall bathrooms because I'm never sure how long I'm going to have to wait or if I'll just crap my pants. Although we are just high school students, we do have rights and spend money. Why I have to practically run a marathon from restroom to restroom only to find no open stalls is beyond me. I just don't know of any alternatives!

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

In an emergency situation, I would say that the best thing to do is just clench your cheeks and not run, but sprint.

Remember, the object is to get to the toilet ASAP, without shitting yourself.
"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points

I'd say gastricbysplash is right! Stand still, clench hard, and wait for the urge to pass - then make for the toilet.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

H-1, isn't sprinting a form of running?...

Never mind.

Beware the shitticane. Election, 2008.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

McKenna's picture

As a frequent visitor to our mall, I can relate to what Mall Rat has gone through and all the running both inside and outside just to find something so basic as a toilet so she can sit herself down and take her crap. It sucks that she was turned away at Firestone just because she's not a customer. If I were her and needed work done on my car, I would never go there because of the way they treated her. At Burger King, having to crawl under the locked stall door helped prevent an accident, but I have to ask the question as to what requirements stores and restaurants have as far as keeping their restrooms clean and open to the public. I don't think being a customer is a fair requirement because there will always be emergencies. If anything, those of us who are students are discriminated against when we have to pee or crap away from home. Last summer I was downtown and had to pee really bad. My boyfriend and I were walking by this bank and he suggested I go in and use the bathroom there. When I started walking beyond the teller area, a guard stopped me and was really snotty about the bathrooms being for customers only. I ended up going two blocks away to the public library, and on the run, just to protect myself from peeing my pants. When I got there, the ladies room was closed for cleaning, but my boyfriend suggested that I use the mens room which I did while he watched the door. It was a pee I'll remember and I was so relieved that I didn't have to check any books out. I believe teenagers are discriminated against in using public bathrooms. It sucks and it needs to stop.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

It depends on whether you have the runs or not....

Life Experienced Lisa's picture

Like it or not, yes there probably is some age discrimination. Although McKenna doesn't give us her age, I'm at least 10 years older and work in the private sector and, specifically, in a food service business that is both aided and victimized by teens. What happened at the Burger King--someone locking the stall door and then crawling out from under it--has happened frequently with us. Industrywide, some of our competitors have gone to latchless doors to address the privacy v. accessibility question. I strongly doubt that adults are doing such pranks. Regarding banks, and my father is a banker, some of the security/limited access rules are required by the state as well as the Federal Reserve. Yes at the food establishment I manage, tweens and teens make up a large share--and on certain days and times, the largest share--of our revenues, but because often they come in large groups, can be loud, rude and obscene, (I was called a bitch twice yesterday by middle school age boys) and due to our mall location, older people and especially parents with families in tow have certain expectations that our younger customers often forget. That's a clean, family friendly dining experience. As McKenna matures, she will also note that many stores in malls and the stand-alones on street corners have signs posted limiting the number of teens allowed inside at any one time.

Let's hope that as McKenna matures she will learn that especially in private businesses, using a bathroom is privilege that is based on responsible use and upkeep.

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