Eternal Debates: Cutting A Queue

PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb


The bathroom line is eternal. Your pants are in imminent danger. What's polite? What's acceptable?

38 Comments on "Eternal Debates: Cutting A Queue"

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

Line-cutting ethics are tough. On the one hand, it's probable that the peopel waiting in front of you don't have to go nearly as bad as you; on the second hand, it's posisble they do, and you cutting will just shift the danger from you onto them.

And do you ask the person at the front of the line only? Or do you have to ask each and every person in line for permission; and if one person says no, then can you not ethically cut?

For the sake of argument for this debate, I propose the following scenario: you are in a theater. It is intermission. You really have to poop. There are five people in front of you. You will not be able to wait out all five people. The bathroom has two urinals and one stall. (Or two stalls, if you're a woman.) The opposite sex's bathroom isn't an option -- the line is just as long.

What do you do?

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Come forward saying in a clear, confident voice "Code Brown, Code Brown" and I guarantee that everyone who is able will let you pass, no questions asked.


assrot's picture

I would just drop trou and shit in one of the urinals. That ought to clear the room.

Chuck's picture

I would need proof for someone to cut in line. Sweating, goose bumps, chills, nausea, buckling knees, whatever would be the determining factor. "Code Brown" is an appropriate war cry. That way the others waiting do not think you are in cahoots with the linecutter. And if the linecutting occurs at a venue there had better be a few beers going around to those patient ones waiting. At the least some heartfelt "thank you"s are in order after a very short time unloading. Majority vote rules when asking a line if cutting is appropriate. Grace will usually outvote the one or two pricks in any froup.

Never use the other gender rest room unless your bathroom is out of commission. There are case studies and stories on PoopReport regarding gender bathroom choice error.

Chuck's picture

Sorry about my typo...froup should read "group".

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

Tyridium: Just need some clarification regarding this hypothetical theatre. Is there perchance a wooded area outside? My position on this issue is entirely dependent upon your answer.

Gorg's picture

Uh, *intermission*?

Sorry, but if you've waited for intermission, none of this "Code Brown" shite.

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

Assume that if you're not shitting in that toilet, you're shitting in your pants. Yes, I suppose you could run and shit behind a parked car or something. I guess it's very telling about the importance of politeness in this society that you'd choose to shit outside on the street than ask some people if you can please go first.

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

Well, when you put it THAT way ... I suppose I could just dance the poopie-dance and hand everyone in line a dollar bill.

Log Flume's picture

Code brown wont work, i have tried it. In that situation the only thing to do would be to root through the trash and find a discarded popcorn bucket. Then find a utility closet. Just be kind and dont leave it for the janitor.

wonderpance's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

i have to change my scenario to needing to pee, because i rarely get sudden, desperate urges to poop. anyway, i would never cut in line, under any circumstances, without asking first. and i would definitely start with the first person in front of me, because if you go straight to the person at the front of the line and they let you cut, you're still cutting in front of the other four people as well, who might not have let you because they have to go just as bad as you do. and when asking, i would just be sure to let them know how badly i have to go. and if one of the ladies wants to be a bitch and not let me cut, even though she doesn't have to go as bad as i do, i'd probably just check with the other ladies and go if they say it's ok. cuz i say fuck bitches!

i love poop.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Tell the usher that you have a dire emergency and are about to shit yourself. They may have an employee bathroom, or the usher may do the line cutting negotiations for you. They would also know where the closest shitter is in another business. If nothing else, they can direct you to the nearest mop bucket.

The Emir of Crapistan

Jobber's picture

I haven't been in this unhappy situation since being at school I am glad to say. If I needed that badly I would not wait for the intermission but would quietly have left during the performance of the play or movie, even if it meant I could not get back into the theatre until the second half. The toilets would be far less likely to be busy then.

If there was a "handicrapper" that wasn't locked or occupiedI would use that. I have let someone go ahead of me when my need wasn't desparate, mine was a good solid poo, when he said he had diarrhea. The nasty sound effects and foul smell from that cubicle a few seconds later confirmed that he had been telling the truth!

Tronald Dump's picture

Give people a good enough reason and they ill give you just about anything. All you have to remember is to make sure that the people in line BENIFIT from letting you cut, and know they will SUFFER from preventing you. Give them only the information that supports this theory and you'll be in like Flynn. It works for me.

Active Poocano's picture

Crapping your pants is always an option.

Jaid's picture

Actually, there was a letter to Dear Abby about the handicapped stall. There was a line of women in the restroom, and the next stall available was a handicapped one. The next woman in line was able bodied, but a woman in a wheelchair called dibs. Abby said that the handicapped stalls are for the handicapped and the able bodied woman did the right thing in letting the gal with the wheels go before her.
However, I feel that just because the stall is designed for the handicapped, it doesn't mean that someone in a chair should be able to call dibs. I mean, you hear so often that "they" want to be treated like anyone else, right?
I figure that the stall is merely an accomodation to the fact that some people need the extra space and the bars to manuver around in. Otherwise, she should have waited her turn.

Glutgut's picture

Yes if you crap your pants you would have a great story topost.

Obi-Dung Kenobi's picture
l 100+ points

I would generally align myself with the "Code Brown!" idea. Just for craps and chortles, I would also summon my best Fat Bastard voice, like so: "Ooohhh, I've gaht a crahp on deck thaht could choke a dohnkey! Eww, it's squinchy!"

Watch 'em make way....

Crapola's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Hee hee Obi! I guess I would I would go to the side of the line and simply say "Hey girls, I'm feeling really sick with diarrhea. Please can I run in there next? It's an emergency." If I were on line, I'd be OK with that.
Piece out!

Piece Out!

Ziburism's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

The solution is simple, no poopy dance will get you sympathy from me, because I happen to be a very fast crapper, I take the dump and roll out, usually by the time you take a normal piss I can shit, wipe and walk out in the same manner of time. Most people arent like that and prefer to just sit there regardless of how long the line is knowing that they are now safe and its all that matters. SO I dont allow line cutters period. But the best way to handle that situation is take note of the line, look frantic and ask if anyone has seen a 4 year old kid run into the bathroom? Before they can answer run in there and yell for "Bobby, or Stevey", something like that, no one will question you since a lost child is nothing to laugh or argue about, then if the stall is open, you are set, if not, you are surely next in line. By the time you are done and walk out, your deed is done and will only get strange looks. Works like a charm.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

zib -- we were talking about what was "polite" or "acceptable," and not soley how to get in there fastest. Gunning everyone down would work faster than your method, but it wouldn't be polite.


whoops I jizzed on the kittens poop's picture

I would personally go outside and shit on the wall of the back alley wall of the theater to say " hey bitch, next time i come back you better have more bathrooms".

Iron Sphincter's picture

I once got a card from the Crohn's & Colitis Foundation that said, "I Can't Wait", which had an explanation of inflammatory bowel disease on the back. I figured that by the time everyone in line read the thing, it'd be too late!

pooper scooper's picture

well u should just push past and say "i have diorreah and i need a shit dont go near me or you'll catch it too" and belive me ive done it before and it works!!

Turd77's picture

pretend you are a retarded person and just walk on into the stall to crap. no retarded person is expected to know etiquette of the toilets. talk to yourself while you are in there so they believe it. and sing while dumping--make it CLEAR that you are mentally challenged! then no ??? are asked!

Crappen Geocacher's picture

My idea would be Take-A-Number pooping.
run up to the Take-A-Number Dispenser, then sit down somewhere, untill your number is called, to try to hold back the urge to poop. A person would call out another number each time a person leaves the bathroom.

mispoopsalot's picture

Go before intermission that way you dont have to wait,and you dont have to poo after all those other poopers.I always know when the bathrooms will be full or not cause pooping is always my # 1 priority!So all you guys would have been going long after I am back in my comfy seat!!!

The Chocolate Kiss's picture

I like your idea Turd77, personally I would have to be felling VERY desperate to even consider shitting in a public crapper, I hate the idea of strangers enjoying the odor or hearing the plops, I prefer to save the smell of my shit for those I really love.

doodooapoopoo's picture

Your my kind of gal clairesmith!
A beautifull girlfreind is like heaven to behold even if she's taking a shit and the smell is equally charming.

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

I rarely get the urge to poo when there is a line for the restroom, since the only times I ever get major urges is when I'm out for a run at 6am. At those times, gas station bathrooms are pretty much open. There was one time where I really had to poop and the women's bathroom at the gas station was occupied. I knocked a couple of times trying to sound desperate, but no dice. So I ducked into the men's room and unloaded there. I didn't see any issues with it since both bathrooms were the one-toilet-one-sink-one-door variety. And there was no one else in the store, so I was safe. If I were in line though, I'd just say "Excuse me, I really have to go. Do you mind if I go in next?" to all the people standing there. True emergencies are rare, so the odds are good that the line waiters can wait a little more.

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I rarely poop in public, so this is not an issue. It's not that I'm a shameful shitter, it just never comes up that often.

The one time this happened I just let a long, loud fart. Fortunately it stunk of rotten spinach because I was on one of my vegetarian fixes. The old lady in front of me was horrified but she didn't move. I managed to hold it until the line cleared.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

My mom would routinely drag me past the long line for the Ladies' and knock smartly on the door to the Gents'. "Anyone in here? Boys? We have an emergency, here! We're comin' in!" And in we went. Mom thought it was stupid to put signs on the doors. There were empty crappers and people who had to crap. How stupid not to match them up! I'm not as ballsy as my mom, though. I'd do it in a very small establishment if I had to, but not in a large building. Remember that gal that got arrested.

I CAN'T go to work today. The voices said to stay home and clean the guns!

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points

I was at a concert recently when this situation came up. One of the opening bands had just finished and everyone raced to the bathrooms. The one I found was a 1-stall/2-urinal model.

I had one of those episodes where I knew that anything longer than a 30 second delay would end in disaster.

There was a guy in the stall and he loudly declared that he pissed on the seat and that he felt sorry for whoever had to poop. To which I replied, "Hey, that's me man." He was so ammused by my comment that he cleaned the toilet and told everyone (about 8-9 people) that I was to be next and they'd all have to smell my shit.

I believe he was my guardian angel.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

I would like to hear a code brown from someone. HOWEVER be warned, I am a shameless shitter/turd terroist. I warn you and heed my warning. If I say code brown and it is ignored its your funeral and you will WALLOW in the stench I will make sure of it one way or the other.


healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

I would use a combination of cutting through the line, and the "code brown system."

This method should make it clear to everyone in the line, that if I don't get to the toilet RIGHT AWAY, their olfactory system is on the line.
"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points

I'm with Wonderpance here, I just don't get uncontrolable urges to shit anyway. I think the need to pee is far far worse. Obviously too, we are lucky here in the UK, because, in the mens at least, queues seem rare.

Russell's picture
l 100+ points

You need to politely ask if you can use the pot that it is an emergency
Russell the shitting queen

Russell the shitting queen

Anonymous's picture

Just yell, "Get out of my way assholes, or I will spew crap on your feet."

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