Contest #28: The Return Of The Glass Eye Limerick Contest

// // 88 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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Once upon a time, there was a man named Martin. His name alone has the rhyme scheme to make for a good poem about flatulence. But dear, sweet Martin has generously donated far more material to PoopReport's pooets: Martin has a glass eye. Which he swallowed. Accidentally. And now he's worried his wife will find out, so he wants to advice on how to poop it out faster.

And, best yet, if you read his letter closely, it appears this isn't the first glass eye he's swallowed.

Limericists: there's a free PoopReport t-shirt in it for the best pooem! Good luck!

(Martin, if you're reading this: I understand this is a serious situation for you, and I hope we give you good advice on the page with your letter. But I also really hope you see the humor in your situation. Because there's a whole lot of it. A whole lot.)

88 Comments on "Contest #28: The Return Of The Glass Eye Limerick Contest"

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

There once was an old guy named Martin
Who ate his glass eye like a Spartan
He watched his poor ass
But the eye did not pass
So now he is glassed up & fartin'

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

There once was a fellow named Martin
Who buys his glass eyes by the carton
He swallows them often
His stool needs to soften
To retrieve his glass orb like a Tartan

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

A one-eyed vet name o’ Martin
done swaller’d his glass eye whilst a coughin.
So pissed at his wife
for leaching his life,
he bent o’er and shot her whilst fartin.

Logjam

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

This poor surly fellow named Martin
Bent over a screen and was shartin'
He lost his glass eye
in his warm shepherd's pie
His sphincter's now flexin' & partin'

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

We once played a joke on old Martin
His wife even had a small part in
He shit like a goose
his stools were so loose
just squirtin' & shartin' & fartin'

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

While Martin was eating his dinner
It tasted like rack of paint thinner
Glass eye falls in soup
& Now he must poop
The toilet was grand prize winner

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

There once was a fellow named Martin
Whose proctologist's name was Barton
To save your glass eye
You must listen to I
Your shorts you now must shart in

Jwm909's picture

There once a man with an eye of glass
But he had not an ounce of class
And so from his mouth
The eye headed south
And ended up looking out of his ass!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I've looked up many a crack,
but never one that looked back.
Up Martin's ass
is an eye made of glass.
A previous odd midnight snack.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

The doctor spread old Martin's cheeks,
and said this most certainly reeks,
but why is it gazing?
This sure is amazing.
The strangest I've seen in ten weeks.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Old Martin fought hard in the war.
Had a glass eye at the end of his tour.
Accidently he swallowed it,
It shattered and mixed with shit.
So he fired it back at a Korean food store.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

A crusty old veteran of Seoul,
had a fake eye lodged in his hole.
It could have been worse,
he exclaimed to his nurse,
it could have been stuck in my pole!

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

No pooem. Just an old saying:

He who swallows a glass eye is able to see things clearly where the sun don't shine.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

(Dedicated to Di).

Ole Martin was prone to diarrhea,
then lost an eye in Korea.
A glass ‘un sits in the hollow,
which now ‘n then he doth swallow.
Poor fella now battles eye-arrhea.

Logjam

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

There once was a guy named Martin
Who had a glass eye he was suckin
after he pooped and set it free
he yelled "My poop is looking at me"
then he socket popped it back in

J. E. Pettit's picture

Poor Martin, poor Martin. Alas!
He swallowed his eyeball of glass!
He's a sensitive guy,
So he misses that eye--
But he's got a great view of his ass!

J. E. Pettit's picture

Poor Martin's glass eyeball will stink
When it lands in the toilet, I think.
Poor Martin's confessin',
"I've learned me a lesson;
My eye should be cleaned in the sink!"

J. E. Pettit's picture

When Martin's glass eye hits his toilet,
His feces will certainly soil it.
Advice: to begin
When you pop it back in,
I'm thinking you're needing to boil it.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Bent over naked, Martin didn't look proper,
As the doctor peered in his shit hopper.
For inside of his ass,
Was an eye made of glass.
With the remains of last nights Double Whopper.

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Finding out that his eye was not stolen
Martin's innards became a might swollen
He searched through the goop
of his own rectal poop
When he sneezed it shot out of his colon

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

There once was a fellow named Martin
I'll get it out just by fartin'
Ate three cans of beans
and off came his jeans
They found his glass eye in St. Maarten

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Said Martin, "I'm just not a quitter."
I'll find that glass eye in the shitter
The paper was thin
his finger slipped in
Out plopped a brown apple fritter

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Said Martin while pouring a highball
Using dynamite to search for my eyeball
was not a good plan
My balls in Bhutan
and my asshole was struck by a flyball

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

An old vet by the name of Marty
swallowed his eye none to smartly
"I need a 20/20 midget
To help me dig through this shit"
So he rounded up Billy Barty.

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

"Clean your eye" she would always remind him.
"I swallowed it" ol' Martin just chimed in.
In short time it did pass
But got stuck in his ass
And now he can see whats behind him.

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

I didn't mean to treat it bad
I didn't know just what I had
But, glass eye, now I'm so down
And won't this make my blue eye
Won't this make my blue eye
Won't this make my blue eye brown

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

While Martin was eating a cookie
He called up his neighborhood bookie
His friends all made bets
When it pirouettes
and his glass eye comes out with his dookie

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

There was a guy who had a dead eye
Sometimes he sucks on it, I don't really know why
One day he swallowed it whole
Then fished it out of the bowl
He didn't wash it and now has a sty

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Said Martin to his neighborly trucker,
"My asshole is starting to pucker."
My eyeball is there
amidst all the hair
and it's one sore-assed mother fucker

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I know this may sound kinda silly
Tie a line to the end of your willy
Bait it with porn
Look out for the corn
Go fishing in fresh fecal "chili"

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

A man had an eye made of glass
His esophagus it slipped past
He worried a bit
Then he took a shit
But he never winked out of his ass

Hum bunger's picture
l 100+ points

Old Martin is a fart'n and shart'n with glee,
For his doctor proffered proctological tea.
The eyeball he swallowed, glassy and round,
With terrible speed to colon is bound.
Cries Martin: Magnesium citrate shit me eye free!

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Martin happened to eat his eye,
Just like it was a piece of pie.
Without a doubt,
He`ll shit it out,
Then sigh, and say a fond goodbye.

The voice of sanity

J. E. Pettit's picture

Poor Martin has taken up bowlin';
His eyeball is really a-rollin'!
It's passing his gut
On the way to his butt--
And tomorrow, it pops from his colon!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Old Martin, the pompous old ass,
had an eye that was made out of glass.
It got lodged in his gut,
then blown forth from his butt,
by a timely expulsion of gas.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

“I’ll spit in yer eye,” says a bully.
“An eye for an eye,” Holy Moly.
Now comes along Martin
whose gut is a smartin,
"Glass eye in me ass," approach slowly.

Logjam

Shatty Cake's picture
l 100+ points

There once was a young lad named Danny
Who was falsely accused by his Granny
Of stealing an eye,
But the eye, by and by,
Was lodged in poor Grandpa's tight fanny.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

A crusty old soldier named Martin,
blew an eye from his asshole while fartin.
This prosthesis, though blue,
was covered with poo,
and couldn't be used, that's for sartin.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Shatty Cake's picture
l 100+ points

'Tis said that old soldiers ne'er die.
But sometimes they swallow an eye.
If the eye is of glass
Through the ass it shall pass,
While the warrior proclaims his battle cry.

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

This is going to be a tough one but Phillip has my vote so far! I hope Martin's doing well...

Hum bunger's picture
l 100+ points

Thrice old Martin a glass eye did swallow
Rollin round his bowels they do wallow
So he makes doo
Sifting brown stew
For his head is now quite hollow

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Poor Martin! His eye, made of glass,
Into his full tummy did pass.
So now the poor fool
Must sift through every stool
To be sure when the eye leaves his ass.

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

While Martin was playing his trumpet
The urge had just hit him to dump it
While hitting A-flat
He heard quite a splat
His eye lay in yesterdays crumpet

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Old Martin Was eating at Denny's
He reached in his pocket for pennies
He felt a huge push
from his ill-gotten tush
& His eye rolled to J.C. Penneys

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Since Martin is retired -- not poor
You find him daily on the gym floor
A quick clean & jerk
& his ass went berserk
He shot his glass eye through the floor

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

While Martin was riding his bike
Got a feeling he didn't really like
He took a huge piss
& much to his bliss
His glass eye shot from the abyss

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

This is a 2 paragraph limerick below

Martin's wife walked through the room nude
He thought, "Now I am really screwed."
& like a machinist
He pulled out his penis
shot a hole through a box of cat food

He went searching for the projectile
He just knew it could not be rectal
It shot from his wiener
It couldn't be cleaner
Turns out his glass eye was not docile

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Old Martin went walking the dog
In a thick and pea soupish fog
The dog stopped to prattle
A snake rose to rattle
The glass eye ended up in the bog

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

OK this is fun... I love creating poop humor. Japanese Haiku should be next, right? I've read some really good ones. I may not even be done. I might come back for a 3rd Salvo... Have a good evening everyone.

Phillip_D_Trousers

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Shit, Phillip, I was going to vote for you until you made your subsequent entries bold.
FUCK!!

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