Contest #26: Limericks About Shoff

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On Christmas Eve, the Shoff household of Des Moines got backed up. So Robert headed outside to inspect the septic system. When he didn't return, wife Toni looked out the window. What she saw was Robert's legs sticking up out of the ground, kicking. Somehow, Robert had managed to tumble head first into the waste tank after he'd popped its lid off. He was in there for an hour before local firemen pulled him out.

This has all the makings of a great limerick. I offer the first line and a
challenge to PoopReport's limericists:

"There once was an Iowan named Shoff..."

Go to it!

Dave adds: best limerick wins a free PoopReport t-shirt!

125 Comments on "Contest #26: Limericks About Shoff"

Anomalous Coward's picture
k 500+ points

There once was an Iowan named Shoff,
Who lifted his septic lid off,
He fell into the pit
Head first in the shit,
Thereafter was plagued by a cough.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

There once was an Iowan named Shoff
Who lifted his septic lid off
Head first into the pit
He fell into his shit
And went to the caucus smelling like shit

See I am having trouble tying it in to the Iowa Caucus HELLLLLLLP.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Now here's a true tale, please don't scoff,
'Bout an 'Ewww in the poo!' from Bob Shoff,
He fell into his septic,
Which made him dyspeptic,
And his wife said, "The marriage is off!"


_______
Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

An Iowan named Shoff once did slip,
Went face first in his own septic pit,
The fireman said,
As he hosed off Shoff's head,
"He's lucky his ass didn't fit

HowleyKook's picture
l 100+ points

There once was an Iowan named Shoff
who one night in the middle of a bloody good boff

heard the shrieks of the very youngest Shoff
“Daddy, Daddy the potty is broken the lid’s blown off”

With a shutter and a shake he donned his skivvies ran out to the trough
only to slip in headlong with bare feet kicking… oh yes his shoes were off

After an hour of wonder as to what had stopped her own bloody good boff
did the lady of the house, the lovely Mrs. Shoff
go to seek her suitor and find him still in said trough.

With quick and unyielding tug on his wood and a snicker and scoff
did the lovely Mrs. Shoff unearth her man, and got him off!!!


_______
Happy Crappin'
www.homegrownmedia.com

Happy Crappin'
Homegrown Media Network

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points

I no longer grunt when I poo,
Or scream when I go number two.
The insides of my ass
were polished like glass,
and Teflon'd, so nothing sticks, too!

There once was an Iowan named Shoff
Whose septic tank said "That's enoff!
"I'm tired of your shit,
and I'm gonna quit!"
So it trouser-coff'd all over Schoff.


_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

There once was an Iowan named Shoff
who, like Teflon, everything just slipped off.
But when to fix his clogged-up toilet bowl,
He Humpty-Dumptied into his septic's poop hole,
It took all the city's firemen to get Shoff's shit-off.

Logjam

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

There once was an Iowan named Rob
He went down to clear out a blob
As he looked in the hole
For what clogged up his bowl
He noticed some corn on the cob

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

My T-shirt size is XL

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points

CEP, that is some funny shit!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I'm not going to submit a limerick until I can think about this... but in the meantime, Anomalous, prairie, and CEP have done a tremendous job! Not to mention it's been a long time since I've ever seen anyone who's been able to rhyme "dyspeptic" correctly, Wiper. I loved that!

Excellent contest idea.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

Someone PLEASE give CEP a T shirt that is a GREAT ONE!
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

I hear Shoff put up a brave fight
with his septic tank, Christmas Eve night.
When finally found,
all but legs underground,
all he said was "Hey, where's the Coor's Light?"

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

And...one with the given first line:

There once was an Iowan named Shoff;
Slipped and fell, with the shit-tank lid off.
You can't sniff out a clog
with your head in the bog.
All you'll find is last night's Rice Pilaf.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Nice one Fudgie!!!

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

On a dark fridgid night near Dubuque,
Head submerged in his own fecal dook,
Shoff did the poop dance,
And upside down shit his pants,
Yelling "Help me I think I'm gonna puke"

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

You're definitely right on the money about this story, Logjam: it's a great one for inspiring limericks. I've got another 3 or 4 bouncing around in my head right now. Are multiple submissions OK? Or should I stop now and cherish my "Great..."?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Fudgie, keep 'em coming. I'll fight you tooth and nail for the shirt.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Dave, if it is only one submission per person then I will withdraw my second one and re-submit it under one of my other personalities.

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

A midwestern clogger named Bert
Lost his phone from the front of his shirt
Poor Bert was unhappy
His cell phone was crappy
It landed in last night's dessert

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

An Iowan dude named Shoff
fell in a poop tank
Oh how it stank
It really was rank
the pigs wouldn't even go to the trough.

I tried. I'm not a poet and I damn sure know it.

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Ok ill try it...

When the iowan sat upon his can,
He dropped a deuce the size of a ham

When his toilet bowl clogged, his wife cryed and sobbed, to see her man head head first in the ____

I can't think of a good word to put there. Guess I don't win the shirt.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Brown jam

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Fudgepump. Multiple entries are not only permitted but encouraged. Like pancakes, the best limericks usually aren't the first out of the pan.

Logjam

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

There once was an Iowan named Shoff,
Upon hearing his tale you will scoff,
Then write a limerick,
Because you are so sick,
That's how PoopReporters get off.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Tho' the blockage was not caused by him,
Ol' Shoff cleared it out, then fell in,
He was covered in the goo,
From a years worth of poo,
And a tampon was stuck to his chin.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

'Twas Christmas ol' Shoff made the news
by diving head first in poo ooze.
When asked for a reason,
He said without blinkin,
"Well, no one likes shit on their shoes."

Logjam

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

prairie,that last one is my favorite. You are Poopreport's Poolaureate.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Thank you, Daphne. This one is for you, then I'm going to sleep.
The Aftermath:
Tho' he looked like a wet teddy bear,
Shoff was none the worse for the wear,
Though he showered quite well,
And got rid of the smell,
A month later he found some corn in his hair.

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Hey Dumpster Doo? How long ya going to make us wait before gracing us with some verse?

Logjam

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

Bob Schoff made a fateful decision;
walked into the snow with a vision.
Head-first in the shit tank...
no equal to that stank;
Bob quickly regretted his mission.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I wonder if old Bob Shoff realizes he is now a legend.

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points

pd: I'm sure the guys who pulled him out will remember him...

Ol' Bob Shoff made the firefighters' day.
Shit spelunking, his face led the way.
For the local FD,
it was something to see;
"This guy's TANKED" was all they had to say.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

A slap-happy chappy named Shoff,
Felt as gross as a pig at the trough,
When in sewage he fell,
He survived it to tell,
That he'd rather be diving for muff.

br>_______
Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Wiper, you caught me off guard with that one!!! Nice!!

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Starman Jones's picture

Much worse than a lump of black coal,
Old man Schoff done fell in the shithole,
On Christmas Eve, no less...
So goodnight, and God bless,
The old fool who now stinks of skatole

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Part of my campaign to promote diversity! Heh!

_______
Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Wiper, I had envisioned the Shoff's as older, slightly overweight mid-westerners. Your last line killed me (and a few of my other personalities). Here is one back at you.

On a fridgid night much to Shoff's chagrin,
In his own cesspit he fell in,
He said "Its not quite the norm,
But its really quite warm,
So I think that I'll go for a swim."

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

A question born of the observation that none of the PR women have yet contributed a limerick -- Is it, somehow, a male-oriented form? It does strike me that it helps in writing one to fancy myself standing, with swagger, at a urinal. This is one reason that Shoff's misfortune seems so appropriate to the form.

Logjam

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

The lack of female limericks may be attributable to the fact that many of them grew up resenting the following:

There was once a girl from Nantucket...

'Nuff said?

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I think it is connected to the fact that it would be highly unlikely that a woman would be bent over a cesspit trying to unclog it. Perhaps they are having trouble identifying with the scenario. Believe me, whenever the honey dipper visits my house I am right there staring over his shoulder. I find it facinating, and a source for new material.

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

I think it has more to do with the female insecurity. They won't try anything new for fear of failure or the chance of being ridiculed. Just my $.02.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Boy, Im glad it was your $.02. Daphne your thoughts?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Oh God. You guys.

Well, I married a man who was in the Army and went overseas 7 months pregnant with no family to be with a man I hadn't spent two months with yet to give birth in a German hospital an entire ocean away from everything and everyone I know, full-well aware that I wouldn't be able to come home for a few years and had to adapt, so yes. We are terrifed wallflowers who need to be coddled, cuddled, and led around by the nose. Hold me, I'm scared.

OK then, I'll try this limerick business, but I'm not promising anything as good as yours, prairie.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

CEP, can we get a report on your next poop? I would be interested to know if it comes out of one hole or two.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

It could be that females are less delighted by rhymes about poop. I, for one, think about it on and off all day long. I know Dungmommy would think about it only long enough to tell me I'm a disgusting slob.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Holt shit! I think we are married to the same woman.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Well, you know what they say, go with what you know. Don't be mean....

He fell hard, that man from Des Moines,
And disappeared up to his groin.
But it was worth the rank stank,
When from we heard from tank,
"Oh look, I found Daphne's lost coin!"

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

The Thunderous Crapper is having trouble...

There once was an Iowan named Shoff,
For whom pooptankwork was no putoff,
He cried for his mamma
All he got was Obama
Who then for New Hampshire did takeoff.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Bravo! Have you laid claim to the coin?

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