Contest #23: Predict The Ironic Death of Dave | Vote Now!

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PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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In the wake of the unfortunate and poetic passing of the Crocodile Hunter, I began to have terrifying visions of my own ironic death -- visions brought to life as PoopReporters fed my phobia by inventing exceedingly gruesome methods for me to flush out to that great sewage treatment plant in the sky. Many of you imagined elaborate death scenes involving self-aware poos or other improbable scenarios; funny as those were, the finalists below reflect things that COULD actually happen to me in the near future. Any day now. Perhaps even today. Perhaps even before I finish typ---

Read the finalists, vote for your favorite, and then pray it doesn't come true.

(And check out all the original entries.)


SCENARIO #1 | by Motherload

Investigators sifted through the rubble that was a result of a massive explosion in a home in New York yesterday. The first thoughts by authorities were of concern that terrorist activities were being plotted and that weapons of mass destruction were possibly being produced from within the residence. But it has been concluded that this was not the cause of this catastrophic event, and fear of terrorism in this case was unwarranted.

Apparently, a massive pocket of methane had accumulated in the sewer system right under the home of the only victim of this horrible incident. It is believed that the owner of the home was in the midst of defecating when the bubble of methane made its way up through the toilet pipes, and was immediately met head-on with a simultaneous gaseous eruption from the victim. This resulted in a spark, which ignited the gas and resulted in an explosion with such devastating effects that all that remains of the victim are his fingers that were burned to the keyboard of his laptop.

It seems that, according to the information gathered by the forensic investigators, the victim was none other than Dave Praeger—owner and editor of the popular web site devoted to the intellectual appreciation of poop humor. He was logged in to the site and in the process of posting an article about the dangers of defecating when the event that ended his life occurred.


SCENARIO #2 by Mr. Intolerance

I really think Dave will die a simple death, by a method I've seen a number of times in my line of work. Dave will get very constipated for about a week, then the moment will arrive to evacuate, he'll sit down and push with all his might, but the kicker is that while he's pushing, he slows his heart rate down, a condition called the vagal maneuver, causing a loss of blood to his brain, killing him within minutes. Can you picture it, an un-wiped Dave, dead on his throne, the King of PoopReport. It can happen. I've seen it before.


SCENARIO #3 by Healthy 1

Former founder of PoopReport.com was killed this morning as he sat typing on his portable laptop, at the local park. He was run down by a ten wheeler on its way to the local sewage treatment plant with a full load of raw sewerage. The driver claimed he ate at McDonalds shortly prior to the incident, and was speeding because he had to go to the bathroom; but police know that the driver is just full of shit. Back to you at the studio.


SCENARIO #4 by Anal About Poop

His local market was out of his usual brand of toilet paper so he had to venture into unknown waters and purchase a different brand. It looked harmless and promises absorbency. He hesitates, but being the brave adventurer that he was and relying on the knowledge he had acquired from previous close calls he goes ahead with the decision. He was in his element after all. He knew how to handle sticky situations if they aroused. Just like Erwin the urge for satisfaction came one morning. However, that morning the thing he knew and trusted would betray him. The clear blue water beaconed. After much toil a wave of satisfaction overcame him and he knew it was time to resurface. He was running late this expedition had taken to much time. In one graceful move, rivaled only by ballet dancers, he pulled the TP and wiped. He instantly felt a pain that penetrated to his very core. As he looked at the bloodied TP he instantly realized his mistake. The killer TP was not soft and gentle, but coarse and abrasive. In his haste he had wipe too briskly and ruptured a bulging hemorrhoid. Dave bled out in the clear blue water that day. His fans, friends and family were left to wonder how this could have happened to a bloke like Dave. He had always seemed to be in complete control.

As revenge some of his fans went on a rampage smashing toilets and burning TP, but that's not what Dave would have wanted.


SCENARIO #5 by L Wrong Hubbard

After a colossal four-cheese pizza, Dave gets the worst constipation he has ever experienced. While recuperating, the number of unchecked email and stories to be uploaded continues to pile up. Dave's server overloads, his PC short-circuits and he dies, constipated, in a terrible house fire.

/** * the following displays the most recent poll * and assumes you have the poll.module enabled * * Works with Drupal 4.6 * Does not work with Drupal 4.5.x * */ // Set the nid for the poll you want to display $nid = 4585; $poll = node_load(array('nid' => $nid, 'type' => 'poll', 'moderate' => 0, 'status' => 1)); if ($poll->nid) { // poll_view() dumps the output into $poll->body. poll_view($poll, 1, 0, 1); } print $poll->body;


HONORABLE MENTION
I know this was lamed; but between the misspellings, the all-caps, and the actual content, I thought it was hilarious.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 09.08.2006
HE JUST DIES CUZ NOBODIE GIVE A SHIT

25 Comments on "Contest #23: Predict The Ironic Death of Dave | Vote Now!"

Poop Shooter's picture
k 500+ points

Well, for some reason, my story or stories didn't make it to the final cut, so, I'll say Motherloads story is the best! Sorry Dave, but ya might want to keep your septic tank clean and install some pressure relief valves "Just In Case"


_______
Poop Shooter!

Poop Shooter!

Anal About Poop's picture
l 100+ points

WOW! It's an honor just to be nominated.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

It's relly no fair. We all love Motherload so much that she'll win no matter what.

Motherload's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Awww, DungDaddy! You just totally made me blush. Thank you for such a sweet comment!
_______
Always looking out for number two!

Always looking out for number two!

Anal About Poop's picture
l 100+ points

It's true. I voted for you.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I vote for none of them. They are not ironic in the least. They are poetic. You people need to look up the definition of irony.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Anal About Poop's picture
l 100+ points

irony - a technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated.

Damnit! He's right!

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

The Emir is often frustratingly correct.

Motherload's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Irony of fate (cosmic irony)
The expression “irony of fate” stems from the notion that the gods (or the Fates) are amusing themselves by toying with the minds of mortals, with deliberate ironic intent. Closely connected with cosmic irony, it arises from sharp contrasts between reality and human ideals, or between human intentions and actual results. Minor examples are daily life situations such as the rain that sets in immediately after one finishes watering one’s garden, following many days of putting off watering in anticipation of rain. Sharper examples can include situations in which the consequences are more dramatic.

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Always looking out for number two!

Always looking out for number two!

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

I voted for....Motherload. Irony: Use of words to express the opposite of the literal meaning, or incongruity between the actual and expected result of events. Motherload had a very creative and original story, well done.
_______
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Sam: does that mean I'm not going to die?

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

I still think AB2K's was the most ironic, and topical to boot. The fact this site gets probably more hits because of either blood in their poop or weird colour sets the stage but then you are mowed down for obeying an assinine city ordinance, which you previously had been a scofflaw of, it's so simple, circular and ....just like a toilet really.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Blood in the poop would have been a winner... but she went and made it non-newsworthy with the bike thing!

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points

I was realy hoping to be able to vote for Di or Bunga on this one. Bunga's was such an incredible twist of fate (Boca bidets, haha) and Di's was just really funny. The Shitman. Classic.

Did anyone assist you in picking the entries, Dave?

Betty Poop's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

#2 sounds a lot like Elvis.
i was leaning towards motherload, it was SO well written! but i eventually went for Anal's because it was incredibly creative. when do we find out who won?

_______
poop poop eee doop!

poop poop eee doop!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

While I agree with Sam, I went ahead and voted for L.Wrong's. The actual death is by house fire, which is slightly ironic in that it's not directly toilet-related.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I thought you took irony for anemia...

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Dave, I would be shattered if you were to expire. When my writer's block goes away, I can think of no other place that I would want to submit a story, than your web site. Besides that, I intend to visit Nueva York in the near future, and would like to buy you a shot and a beer. However, it would be ironic if you died of alchohol poisoning.It would be especially ironic, if you did not shit yourself during your death spasms.
If I end up getting killed by some reckless cyclist in Nueva York, it would be ironic for my obituary to be full of misspellings and bad grammar.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Mr Intolerance's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

It is truly an honor to just be nominated. I never thought of the Elvis connection though. The King of Rock and Roll, and the King of Poopreport?? Dying the same way? Irony? I think not.
_______
I love ice cream and cheese, but they don't love me back.

Honest honey, I took my pills...

Mr Intolerance's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I also think all nominees should recieve a complimentary copy of JOAP II for their literary efforts. Why? because I'm cheap and don't want to buy one.
_______
I love ice cream and cheese, but they don't love me back.

Honest honey, I took my pills...

the log of hazzard's picture
l 100+ points

Um, Dave, what the hell. Where's the one about you turning into violet Bauregarde and exploding in a mushroom cloud? I haven't been on in a while, what did you do to it!

Some are born crappy, some achieve crappiness, and some have crapiness thrusted upon them. (Do NOT be the last one)

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Dave, shouldn't that front page link to this thread be entitled "ROYAL" Webmaster?

SHITFORBRAINS's picture

Is life just a continuing series of illusions? What if after we die, we find out that we never lived at all, it was all just a dream? Then we live and die again, awakening to the knowledge that that life was also nothing more than an illusion. In the end, we realize we never really existed at all..... or not.

Mr Intolerance's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Well, if I'm going to finish second, I'll finish second to Motherload anyday
_______
Honest honey, I took my pills...

Honest honey, I took my pills...

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

If you're wondering why it's taken me so long to announce an official winner for this contest -- well, I don't walk to talk about it. My butt is wrapped in gauze and the burning is still vivid in my memory. Congratluations Motherload -- you win. Fortunately, I was only maimed; which means I may still die in an as-yet-to-be-determined ironic fashion. I don't think I'll be running another contest to find out.

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