The 2009 Poop Report Of The Year

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PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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VOTING ENDS ON WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 17, AT 11:59 PM. DON'T FORGET TO VOTE!

This year history repeated itself, as it always does. Human beings ate too much. They forgot to check for toilet paper before downloading the Brown File. They unsuccessfully tried to make it to the next roadside rest, thirty miles away, instead of taking advantage of the welcoming lights (and porcelain) of the Stop-N-Go right in from them.

Thankfully, these people belong to the PoopReport community, and they are generous with their gastric failures. Let's choose one of these colonic mishaps as the best.


With Apologies To EAP
by Dr. Strangelove


"I began thinking of how ridiculously awful the situation was: a beautiful woman I barely know sleeping (hopefully) mere feet from where I am alternately pissing a mixture of Mexican and German beer out my ass and releasing noxious fumes in thunderous clouds that threaten to overwhelm the poor vent fan. This puts me into paroxysms of laughter, forcing another thought into my head: now this new guy is not only defiling the bathroom in God only knows what way, he's laughing hysterically about it as well."



Heaving Las Vegas
by Pill Pooper


"My once hospital-sterilized bathroom now smelled like the inside of a fake leg (bonus points if you know what movie that’s from). I pulled off about one thousand yards of toilet paper to throw on top of the vomit puddle that was streaming in from the adjacent stall. “Only in Vegas,” I said to myself. My debauched neighbor finished his ordeal, cleaned himself up ,and quietly exited to leave me there in my own filth."



Knothead And The Locked Door
by plop cop


"I heard him step to the door. I heard him grab the handle. I heard the lock strain. I could tell it was about to fail. I saw the door swing WIDE open and there before me were all my coworkers going about their business. I looked that self-centered idiot right in the eye, stretched my open hand towards him, and yelled 'Jesus! Lord! Help me! Hold my hand! Hold my hand! It's gonna rip me apart!'"



My Big Shat Greek Bedding
by El Scumbag


"Opening my eyes slightly, I could see the slumbering figure of a blond girl under the sheets, but no Lee. However, between us was a bedside table with an ashtray on it, and I could see that crumpled in the ashtray was a pair of tan-coloured ladies' panties.

'Hmm...' I thought. I reached over, still only half-awake, and took them, intending to sniff the musky aroma in her gusset (as one does). I brought them up to my nose, inhaling deeply, and gagged as I realised that they were caked in shit."



Hot Sauced Buns
by Bilgepump


"I tried to maneuver into my accustomed slight spread again, desperately trying to hold back the flood, but it was no use. I slid back down, and my cheeks slammed shut once more... and the blast came. Do you understand any physics? Trying to force a large quantity of anything through a narrow opening produces a tremendous amount of pressure. That pressure blasted out a vicious stream of butt juice like air through the squeezed tight neck of a balloon. Even the acoustic accompaniment sounded like the squeal of said balloon. I had shit flying up my back, flowing into my junk, and all points in between."


Take the time to enjoy their pain, and then vote for your favorite.

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40 Comments on "The 2009 Poop Report Of The Year"

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

It took me long enough.

If anyone thinks a story or newswire from this year deserves an honorable mention, please EMAIL me by clicking on my name and the choosing 'contact'. Do not post your suggestion here.

Thanks for your patience, Poopreporters!


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Britluver20021's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I will be reading all these this afternoon and then picking my favorite, I do not have time right now :)

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I had to pick Knothead. The very image of some poor fool crying for divine mercy in front of gawd and co-workers from a crapper as his own butt seemingly threatened to rip him in two was just too good to pass up. The ludicrous audacity of such an act is overwhelmingly hysterical.

All of the other stories were absolutely hilarious as well. It's a good thing that the office is mostly empty because I would have some serious explaining as to the guffaws coming from my office.

I should someday be so blessed as to write as well as you folks. Keep'em coming!
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

plop cop's picture
l 100+ points

This morning while squeezing off a round of corn turds, I hear knothead's voice outside the door at the cofee pot. Reminded me of my story and I chuckled just a bit. I get to my computer and when I come across PR, I see I have an entry for story of the year and it's knothead....... The coincidence made me laugh so hard I had to go back to the shitter to wipe away the stragglers that oozed out to see what was so funny..... Thanks for the nomination!

_______
Now that's what a men's room is supposed to smell like!

Now that's what a men's room is supposed to smell like!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

All of these tales of what extrudes from the tail were wonderfully funny and it took me a while to decide which one to vote for. I wish they could all win some type of award. I finally had to pick El Scumbag's story as it made me scream with both disgust and amused delight.

Scummy was a master of the wonderful rhetoric available in the English language and described the situation of the poor chap munching a seafood platter at the "Y" and getting a chin-full of soft-serve ice cream so well that I almost spat on my keyboard. I hope he returns to PR and regales us with more of his delightful writing.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

plop cop's picture
l 100+ points

I know I'm supposed to vote for myself but El Scumbag's is the best, skivvies down. Scummy, wish you were around more often!

_______
Now that's what a men's room is supposed to smell like!

Now that's what a men's room is supposed to smell like!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Nah, Plop, I didn't vote for mine either, I think its the weakest of the nominees...I had to vote for you and Knothead...I'm jealous that I hadn't thought of screaming for a helping hand...that was utterly brilliant.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Scummy`s story is the one I voted for. Apart from being hilarious and disgusting, it`s very well written.

I hope he comes back one day.

The voice of sanity

The Shit Abyss's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Had to go with Pill Pooper's. That stripper's violent dry humping just comes out of nowhere! Following right behind would've been Dr. Strangelove's tale. Curse that volume-enhancing clean porcelain.


_______
"Randy, I thought we agreed no more shit talk 'til we're back in power." - Jim Lahey, a fucking drunk

"Randy, I thought we agreed no more shit talk 'til we're back in power." - Jim Lahey, a fucking drunk

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I voted for Bilge because 1) he has name recognition, 2) his title included the word "buns," 3) he's lagging behind the leader, and, 4) we have a deal.

Logjam

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Oh, and damn good story.

Logjam

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

So, Logjam, how much of Bilge`s silver did you take for that vote?

The voice of sanity

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Fuck, he's got money?!!!

Logjam

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Fucker told me he was earning a fortune servicing old ladies in Arizona retirement homes.

The voice of sanity

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Its true, but you have to understand that the over head is killing me...Raid by the pallet load, to kill crotch critters, cob web dusters....alcohol and peroxide baths afterwords...it goes on and on.


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Just a suggestion, hon. Rather than you incur the time and expense of all these post-coital treatments, just leave the ladies a to-do list. If they ignore the precautions, well then that's just their problem.

Logjam

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Post-coital??? Oh no, dear, Raid and cob web dusting PRE-coital...or I would never find what I'm looking for! Then there's the 80-90 Gear Lube and grease gun...its a hell of a lotta work.


_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

I rarely look at Poopreport anymore and I haven't read a front page story in well over a year. I still voted for the big shat greek bedding story because I liked the title.

I haven't read any of these stories.

Jack Schitt's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

All the nominees were great, but I had to go with Scummy's story. He may have been long winded, but he was hilarious. I hope he comes back to PR.

Bilge, there is a bitchy old hag a few doors down from me that could use some "cheering up". Do you travel?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Maybe someone can move my comment from Bilge's story to here where it belongs.

I'm hungover, so sue me.

prarie "I`m a fuckwit" doggin's picture

I am a big fan of Scummyand his long-winded tales. He is truely a great writer, and I hope he comes back soon. My vote however, goes to Bilge for a truely inspiring story. Much like the legless man who runs a marathon or a blind man who climbs Mt Everest, I was inspired by his true grit. (and I'm not talking about that sandy stuff sloshing between his cheeks) The fact that Mr Pump overcame his near death experience and still finished his vollyball match brought a tear to my eye. He deserves, and gets my vote. He's my hero.

(Bilge, don't forget the deal. Two silvers and one blue for me)

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

I loved all of these stories.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Britluver20021's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I think Knothead And The Locked Door was the funniest, but they all were good :)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Ok there Mr. prarie "I'm a fuckwit" doggin, you're coming dangerously close to copywright infringement there. I've got my eye on you.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I tell you what, pd, if I ever find out which son of a bitch insulted you like that, I`ll kick his damn ass for you!

The voice of sanity

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Well, may I say, my friends, brothers and sisters united in lavatorial love, that I am truly, humbly touched. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart and the heart of my ample bottom. May our bowels stay a source of amusement forever. To be nominated is extraordinary enough, but to find that at the time of writing I’m currently in the lead… well, I consider this to be rather a big deal. I’m honoured. Greatly.

Chief, please accept my apologies mate, I’ve just been a bit crap and useless! And everyone else who’s said hello and I haven’t responded to, well, sorry. That was me being crap again. I’m doing ok, thanks for asking, and I have been dropping by from time to time, always finding great entertainment when I get the opportunity, so I’ve not disappeared entirely; I’ve just been rather selfishly lurking in the background a bit, not making any noise, watching bits and pieces but trying not to get drawn in for fear of spending umpteen hours hunched in front of a computer (which I do all bloody day, so its the last thing I want in my “downtime”, as I believe the contemporary expression to be).

But I’m not here to make excuses, I just wish to send big waves of brown love to everyone and promise to return properly soon. So, erm, that’s it. Jolly good! *raises teacup, sips, takes bite of hot buttered crumpet*

Again, much love, thank you all for the nominations so far and all the very the very best of British luck to my fellow nominees!
*salutes and smiles rakishly*

There are some extraordinary stories in this nomination selection. It’s hard to pick a favourite as I love them all for different reasons and I’ll comment on them all in time. Only cads are despicable enough to vote for themselves, so I will of course cast mine shortly, when I have made up my mind for certain who will receive it. One has to be careful when considering one’s part in the diplomatic process, don’t you know… but I will reveal that it’s between Dr S and someone else at the moment. *takes out onion*

Anyway, thanks again. *sniffs back noble tears*

I shall return soon!

Scummy

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Well, I don't know about you guys, but I for one, *sniffle* am sorry we won the war.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Scummy..Welcome back, glad your on board again even if it's just occasionally. Now let me apologize for having taken a few days to respond to your post. I have been busy being drained of blood for various tests and placed into impossibly small scanning devices by our Veterans Administration to determine if my innards are working properly. The one thing they have determined for sure is that I am moderately claustrophobic and don't really enjoy time spent in a container the approximate size of a coffin.

Now I am off to the kitchen to brew a cup of tea (Earl Grey) which I shall sweeten (thats a Johnny Foreigner for you) and sip, pinky finger held at the correct angle, while eating a slice of Mexican vanilla bread. I couldn't find any fucking crumpets.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Thank you Chief! Sounds ghastly, sir. My best wishes for a satisfactory outcome.

I too refuse to conform. Earl Grey, drunk with sugar, milk and about 6 miles from the nearest fucking lemon, simply tastes better.

One can make one's own crumpets easily and I would strongly recommend, with Valentine's Day almost upon us, that you share with your good lady a romantic snack of hot buttered crumpets and sweet Earl Grey tea. 'Tis truly the food of love.

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Sorry chief, gave you the wrong link (pasted from the wrong open window...). This is better.

Crumpets

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Thanks Scummy....The picture in your link (I took the liberty of deleting the incorrect one) looked remarkably like what we colonials call an English muffin which is readily available in most supermarkets and is indeed wonderful with tea when slathered thickly with artery clogging butter and then spread with marmalade.

*Holds chest and gasps while sipping and munching*


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

The two of you need to iron your ascots and get a room.

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

Indeed no, old chap. An English muffin, is simply called a muffin. 'Tis a different variety of grilled bread product altogether.

Crumpets look like this
crumpet pic
and I've since found an excellent alternative recipe on wikihow

wikihow

although most of us usually just buy the packs of ready-cooked ones and toast 'em, before allowing all that lovely butter to soak 'em through. To enjoy them at their best, cook them on a toasting fork, in the common-room fireplace of a great English school, sitting in a high-backed armchair, resting one's aching feet on the back of a crouching fag named Jenkins, who passes one the condiments and allows his buttocks to be used as a toast rack.

About 8 crumpets, loaded with butter, primes ones bowels for a stunning expulsion of the brown stuff, if you like those greasy speedy turds that shoot from the hole like an oiled cork from a child's pop-gun. Maybe it's the bicarb, the yeast, or the fact that good crumpets have lots of air in them, but although the stool itself is solid and spongey, the grease from the butter stays on the outside, making the turd exit at a dramatic rate, which doesn't give the nipsy enough time (or grip) to contract and snip it into sections. The size of some of these unbroken beauties can be quite breathtaking to behold, if you are lucky enough to have one survive the initial high velocity impact. Laying a sheet of TP on the water pre-drump should help provide extra cushioning.

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

At the request of Mistress Daphne, I hereby humbly accept the award (whatever that award may be) and the honoured title of Poop Reporter Of The Year 2009! I have insufficient words to describe my pleasure at being nominated and subsequently chosen for this accolade. I would like to thank all who voted and my esteemed fellow Poop Reporters for their support and kind comments. I am tempted to get my ‘gong’ tattooed.

I believe that I may be the first non-American to win this title (correct me if I’m wrong) and as such I accept this award not for my own glory, but for that of the country that bore me and my fellow British subjects of Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth The Second. This award belongs to us all, so I would like to publicly share the honour of this prize with a fellow British Poop Reporter who was not nominated but whose dedication to lavatorial humour, turd-tales and poop-related news reporting is second to none. He deserves this honour far more than I and hasn’t been buggering about away from the site for half a year like I have. I speak of course of Scotland’s Scatalogical Sultan, THUNDERBOX.

Thunderbox, I gladly share this award with your good self. Rule Britannia!

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points

I've just realised that I've said I've won 'Poop Reporter' rather than 'Poop Report' which is what I should have said. Errrrmmm... which makes me feel a little foolish.
*blushes*

The 'Poop Reporter' nominations are still to come of course, and you can obviously guess who'se going to get my vote for that.

*silently wishes that he had not posted while stoned*

I'm still bloody pleased to win Poop Report of 09 though. I cant get the grin off my face. And I still wanna share it it with T-box for his "Going In The Gobi" travel-log!

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

You should also realize you just posted 3 times in a row...fucking windbag. (Bitter? Me? not in the least...you fuckers)

_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I'm behind you all the way Scumbag.

Figuratively speaking.

Jack Schitt's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Congrats Scumbag! Good to see you back.
Did anyone else notice that the site crashed right about the time Scummy came back? I am wondering if the extra content he provides overloaded the system.

spattacus's picture
l 100+ points

Well done ES, justly deserved. In fact the acceptance speech(es) could go up for 2010!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Sorry it has taken me so long to congratulate you Scummy. My son has been visiting the old homestead for the last few days and we had some catching up to do. We also had some large portions of choice beef to wash down with a variety of, mostly Argentinean and Chilean, red wines.

I loved your story and I am pleased that it won. A benefit of the prize you have garnered is that if you ever visit the USA you will be able to eat in virtually every restaurant in the country at full price.

I am firing off a letter to Liz suggesting that you be knighted for your accomplishment, if she does indeed confer that honor on you make sure you don't kneel to closely behind Phil the Greek. I have heard that he is quite the flatulent royal! Once again, congratulations.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

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