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The McDonald's Crapcake Sandwich
Submitted by doniker
August 6, 2004, 57 Comments

Last week my wife, our daughter, the dog and I took a trip to the ocean. We spent a week in and around Willis Wharf, Virginia, a small town on the coast near Chesapeake Bay. We left Cleveland bright and early Monday morning. By the time we got into Maryland we started seeing billboards...

Dump Driving
Submitted by Crapola
July 26, 2004, 42 Comments

One of the things I love most about my husband is the treasury of poop stories he has shared with me. He's too shameful to report his own poop, though; so I must be his raconteur. My husband, The Metatherapist, is a fashion photographer. A few years ago, he was working on a shoot in Los Angeles...

The Tests
Submitted by Poopoopeedoo
July 19, 2004, 27 Comments

Reading Poonurse's great article on Diverticulosis & Diverticulitis (thank you, Poonurse), I recalled the ordeal I went through with this horrible affliction. Several years ago, I began having terrible pain in my stomach (in retrospect, I see now that I abused my body with WAY too much...

The Pyelogram
Submitted by Girl Coward
July 2, 2004, 48 Comments

While enduring a bladder infection a few years ago, I freaked when I noticed I was bleeding like hell when I peed. The infection went away, but not the bleeding. I went to one urgent care clinic twice. They verified it was blood in there -- one doctor said it looked like I was passing Hawaiian...

DaisyLift: The "Sanitary Toilet Sea
Submitted by Anonymous
June 7, 2004, 49 Comments

"Some people, they gotta work while I just hang around Dreaming up useless stuff"           --Useless Stuff by Cracker Ever have the experience of shelling out $1,000 for a luxury toilet seat only to discover the horrible fact that you still had to actually touch the seat...

The Final Wipe
Submitted by doniker
May 7, 2004, 58 Comments

I have always used good old American toilet paper to wipe my ass. Before my daughter was born eight years ago, I had probably never seen a baby wipe or a wet wipe, nor did I even much care that such a thing existed. Why would a grown man want to wipe his ass with a baby wipe, anyway? I will admit...

The Ass Ceiling: Gender And Bathroom Att
Submitted by The Big Wiper
May 4, 2004, 34 Comments

I can't speak for the women who frequent the ladies' rooms of the world, but I'm fairly certain most of us male PoopReporters have encountered bathroom attendants at some point in our ongoing public potty careers. In my estimation, there are two categories of attendants. First is the entirely...

Running While Running: Imodium And The B
Submitted by In The Bushes
April 27, 2004, 57 Comments

As some of you may remember, I am a marathon runner. I also have IBS. So when I run, I run. A few weeks ago, I wrote in to Poonurse about my problem. She suggested a low fat diet, and perhaps a Fleet enema before the race. After doing my own research, however, I've been contemplating using...

Oxypowder: For Those Hard-to-reach Intes
Submitted by Joe C.
March 26, 2004, 181 Comments

With this week being the one year anniversary of our invasion of Iraq, I figured I would sit down and regale you all with the story of my very own Shock and Awe Campaign that I unleashed on my poor, unsuspecting toilet a couple of months ago. It all started with a visit to my local health food...

Metamucil: Bright Lights, Big Shitty
Submitted by Crapola
February 26, 2004, 63 Comments

Q: My generic name is psyllium husk. I come from a plant native to Iran and India. I'm also called Flea Seed, Isphagula, and Spogel. Who am I? A: Metamucil! According to, Metamucil is a "bulk fiber laxative for treating occasional constipation and restoring regularity." My husband...

My SweetPee: The #2 Review
Submitted by Di Uhreea
February 10, 2004, 30 Comments

PoopReport recently received an email from a company called My SweetPee, which makes a reusable shield that allows women to pee without sitting or crouching on some nasty toilet seat. You pee on the taco-shaped shield, and the shield directs the pee into the toilet. If you have the reusable...

Smear Campaign: Origin Of The Feces
Submitted by The Crapitalist
February 3, 2004, 18 Comments

I sell shit for a living. At least, that's what I'll be telling people at the next cocktail party I crash. I was on the toilet one morning back in September when my thoughts returned to a crazy idea I had back in '96. It involved celebrity stool samples and highly-publicized eBay auctions....

Daltony Toilet: The Next Low-Flow?
Submitted by Dave
February 2, 2004, 31 Comments

Water has four uses in your toilet: to wash the rim and bowl; to keep the water seal (that is, to keep your logs covered so they don't stink); to carry away waste; and to facilitate siphonic drainage. Siphonic drainage is the same process that allows you to siphon gas from your neighbor's car....

Operation H
Submitted by Poonurse
January 23, 2004, 47 Comments

Being a nurse brings you so many things: joy, wonder, smiles, happiness, ummm... tears, rage, disappointment over working every EFFIN' Christmas for 25 years straight; and hemorrhoids. For me, nursing wasn't the direct cause of said hemorrhoids. Bringing forth two nine-pound bundles of frickin'...

Monsturd: Thumbs up! (somewhere)
Submitted by Jasper
October 31, 2003, 13 Comments

To call Monsturd a load of crap would be an understatement. Monsturd, in fact, is the biggest load of crap to be released from the bowels of the Bay Area in quite some time. Directors Rick Popko and Dan West were able to gather a courageous group of near-actors, almost-special effects whizzes...

Scott Tissue
Submitted by Genie
October 28, 2003, 1 Comments

RATING:     26/85 COST/THOUSAND SHEETS:     $.50 COST PER ROLL:   $.50 # OF SHEETS:   1000 # OF PLYS:   1   MEASUREMENT:   4.5" x 4.0" SQ. FOOTAGE:   125 sq.ft. COLOR:   white...

Quilted Northern
Submitted by Spanky Muffins
October 28, 2003, 2 Comments

RATING:     74/85 COST/THOUSAND SHEETS:     $1.65 COST PER ROLL:   $0.66 # OF SHEETS:   400 # OF PLYS:   2   MEASUREMENT:   4.5" x 4" SQ. FOOTAGE:   300 sq.ft. COLOR:   white...

Quilted Northern Ultra
Submitted by Matt
October 28, 2003, 5 Comments

RATING:     78/85 COST/THOUSAND SHEETS:     $4.00 COST PER ROLL:   $2.00 # OF SHEETS:   500 # OF PLYS:   2   MEASUREMENT:   4.5" x 4" SQ. FOOTAGE:   170 sq.ft. COLOR:   white...

Kirkland Signature TP
Submitted by Wenton C
October 28, 2003, 4 Comments

RATING:     61/85 COST/THOUSAND SHEETS:     $2.50 COST PER ROLL:   $.50 # OF SHEETS:   200 # OF PLYS:   2   MEASUREMENT:   4" x 4" SQ. FOOTAGE:   COLOR:   white PACKAGING KIND:...

Submitted by Totalchump
October 28, 2003, 3 Comments

RATING:     43/85 COST/THOUSAND SHEETS:     $2.20 COST PER ROLL:   $.44 # OF SHEETS:   200 # OF PLYS:   2   MEASUREMENT:   4" x 4.4" SQ. FOOTAGE:   97.77 sq.ft. COLOR:   white...

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