Teed Off Turd V

PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

(I hope you saw #1, #2, #3 and #4.)

Readers, there's a good chance that this is the end of Teed Off Turd. How many times can one turd escape from a toilet bowl? Rarely more than once. The only way to save him now is if you buy a Teed Off Turd t-shirt -- otherwise, I'm sure he's history.

-- Teed Off Turd was written and drawn by Ass Phlegm.

Like Ass Phlegm? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production!

73 Comments on "Teed Off Turd V"

Tydirium's picture
k 500+ points

Isn't life always that way? You're depressed, you're down in the dumps, and then, when you finally meet a hot girl, you go and fall into a toilet bowl and drown.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

So many cool inside jokes in this one, AP, you sly dude, you! You promised me there would be, and you lived up to that in ways that only you could. Another 10 on a scale of 10, my friend!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points

Awesome, AP. Though I nearly choked on my pumpkin pie when I saw Bloody Mary, it was funny nonetheless. Just remember, don't flush tampons, because they will stop up the pipes. Condoms have the same effect.

Can't wait for TOT #6. Maybe I'll finally be cool enough to make it onto the bathroom graffiti by that time.

Justa Girl's picture

First, I think it was very socially responsible of you to depict Bloody Mary in the garbage can... as AB mentioned, we should never be flushing tampons and messing up the delicate works of our toilets.

I love how you've made TOT a sympathetic character, even though he's a piece of crap with corn sticking out of him. He reminds me of a guy I went to high school with, except for the corn part. My only worry is that I'll start identifying with TOT to such a degree that I feel guilty when I flush. I'm totally sending you the bill for therapy if that happens.
Reading this new comic was a high point in my day. I'm not sure what that means.

honey_monster's picture

I was having a fairly hard day at work today, but this has just cheered me right up! Now I just have to wipe my half chewed lunch off my monitor and I'm ready to go.

I always wondered why my little chap looked so sad.

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Justa, there you go again, worrying about enjoying the site too much. TOT was my high point today, too, and I'm not worried about it in the least. You're okay, I'm okay. And, hey, I'm still waiting for your takes on other sitcom characters following your response to my depiction of the six 'Friends' shitting over on the forums. You go, girl. (Haha--we all go!)

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Ass Phlegm's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

First of all, AB, I'm sorry. You are DEFINATELY cool enough to make the "graffitti" in this comic. It's just that a lot goes through my head when creating these comics and I don't always remember everything I'd like to do (I should write down notes for myself). Second, I'm glad you didn't choke.

I'm afraid that I can't accept the compliment of being "socially responsible", Justa. Although I'm glad it worked out that way, it's just how the comic worked best. No pre-thought went into it.

And lastly, don't worry about identifying TOO much with TOT. I named him "Teed Off" turd for a reason and we'll be seeing more of that attitude in the future...shit...I guess I just gave away the cliff hanger of wheather or not he survives. Oh well.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

My favorite parts were the pigeon and Bloody Mary. That was fucking sick!!! Keep it up!
Hold on, I have to gross out my family....

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Okay, I'm back. I just wanted to say that I flush my extra absorbant tampons all the time and nothing happens. And my toilet is a water saving one too. Each time I flush a log I have to stand by with the plunger. But it always flushes my tampons. What gives?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Justa Girl's picture

My mom, sister and I used to flush our feminine products all the time, too. We moved into a brand new house... no plumbing probs. Blissfully flushed our tampons thinking that, of course, plumbing in a new house would be advanced and fully capable of handling our waste matter. Fast forward from day one to about 5 years later. I'm alone in the house taking a shower when I notice that the water isn't draning, although I haven't plugged the tub. Think it's odd, but really, being a teenager, don't give it much thought. Flush the toilet as I'm ready to leave the bathroom... the water level rises and rises until it's spilling onto the floor. It keeps backing up. I'm throwing towels on the floor and praying the flood won't reach the carpet in the hall. Many towels later, the plumber who has snaked out the line sheepishly approaches my mother who has been called home from work. The plumbing problem was caused by "feminine sanitary products". Apparently, the plumbing COULD handle them... and did, for 5 years... until it was one tampon too many. That poor man dredged years worth of used tampons and other debris that had collected around them out of the pipes. Do I flush tampons anymore? Ummmm... NO!

(Didn't mean to steal from TOT's thunder here, but I can't resist an opportunity to share that story).

InvaderHaanzi's picture

It's WAY too suspenseful. I think I'm going to die.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

A ticking time bomb, Justa. Maybe I should stop flushing mine. I wouldn't want the same thing to happen here. The last house we lived in flooded and we never did get rid of the mold!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

I loved Bloody Mary. TOT & her would have/will make a lovely couple. AP, how many times can I say you rock? And thanks for the sweet ass poster - It pays tribute to my old av that was happily replaced with YOUR creation.

Ass Phlegm's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Glad to have entertained y'all! It really makes my day when I can make someone else's day.

No prob on the poster, Di. I try to incorporate something from the site in the comic now and then and besides...it is indeed a "sweet ass"!

BTW, who the hell is this "Rob Dalby" guy anyways? (ha,ha)

Mudd's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Ass Phlegm is a genius.

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

Hmm... I just guessed what TOT is going to do next, but I shouldn't say it. Obviously he has to go to the sewer, so...

-+-MuGaTu-+-'s picture

HAHA man that TOT is soo great my buddie becca would love this soo much i bet she would buy all the T-shirts of TOT!!! hahaha man AP I LOVE U!!

poopmagick's picture

All hail Ass Phlegm! That was fantastic! You'd think I would have expected a tampon, but for some reason, my sick little mind thought it was pee in a cup...maybe beacause I've had to pee in a cup before.
Anyway, fantastic comic! You have real talent!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Pee in a cup? Ha ha!! Oh, man that would have been funny. But pee in a cup wouldn't have produced as disgusting a face as my dad made when he saw Bloody Mary. This comic had me rolling on the floor!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

poopmagick's picture

Yeah, I was at a sleepover at a friends house, and we were "camping" in the RV (this is when I was about 12 years old). The RV didn't have toilet hookups, and we had managed to scare ourselves so bad we didn't want to leave the camper to go to the house to pee...so we ending up peeing in these Tupperware cups and flinging the cup of piss out the door. The next day, the host's brother's friend (who was a real ass) saw the cup laying on the ground and picked it up and was playing with it, while we barely surpressed our giggles.

And you're right, Shit Volcano...the face I made when I realized it was a tampon was priceless. Hooray for Ass Phlegm!

TOT obsesser's picture

I loved how TOT was about to listen to that one old turd! Plus you guys put a female in there somewhere! Now there's no end to our bathroom friends.

anonomous bastard's picture

I Love T.O.T. and I love Mr. Hankey too

the shit reaper's picture

AP, I read somewhere that you don't want to come up with TOT VI... I'm a fan ov T.O.T. - suggestion for a sequel: bloody mary pulls him out of the bowl with her string!!!

Titman's picture


I looked closely, I strained my dim eyes, but I could not detect the least little crusty nipple on Bloody Mary! Wassup, Bro?

Peace in the perianal.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Would you use a tampon with nipples?!?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

poophead's picture

TOT, and BM would make such a cute couple! I bet TOT could really light her fuse!

Shaun Tighe's picture

Dude, Thats some funny Shit

Amanda Baker's picture

I agree with poophead on that one. They would make a cute couple(LOL). That is the funniest shit i've read in a long time.

poopy pants's picture

i loved it. it was indescribable!! although i do think bloody mary may have been a mock of feminism, i loved it!! dont stop with this funny shit!! its awesome! i think that bloody mary should pull him out of the bowl. they could be do gooder partners! this shit is hilarious!! i was wondering....why does he have corn stuck in him? why couldnt it be carrots or something?

William Of Core's picture

Flabergastingly Ostentascious

the turdinator's picture

Brilliant!There should be TOT THE MOVIE!I nominate Gary Colemen for the title roll,pun intended.Courtney Love as Bloody Mary.In the shittiest roll of his career Danny Divito as the Old Turd.Ican see the reviews now.A muddy thumb up from Roger Ebert,5 stars this movie stinks.

steve crap's picture

great comic! so gross it was funny!Next time make a comic about a man who has a piece of poop that doesnt want to come out

Scatilla the Hun's picture

I am reminded of the immortal phrase that a coworker assailed my ears with as he saw a pretty woman walk by... "Damn! I'd eat the corn out of her shit!" I think the femme fatale should pull some strings here and get TOT out of the crapper. He may end up nothing but a crusty old log, but at least he would be happy.

nathan's picture

this issue was way funny but it was a lil gross when bloody mary popped up but me and my friends loved it...what a riot hope to see more soon

bleep's picture

I have a chihuahua that we call "shit eater" and "tampon monster"... she can't stay out of the cat box. And when "aunt flow" visits we have to close the door to the bathrooms ... it would be funny if TOT and Bloody Mary got chased by a dog !!

jane's picture

hooray to the poop club this was pretty funny but the tampon is a little weird?

Malicious Pooper's picture

Ass Phlegm, we've been staring at the same comic for months! Make a new one!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Yeah, man! I expect to see at least ONE new TOT comic when I get back from Mammoth this fall.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Malicious Pooper's picture


Malicious Pooper's picture

Dah... I just heard that he's gonna make a new "Pooperfriends" cartoon... W00t!

Hanus of Uranus's picture

When i saw the voice coming from the trash can, i knew what was coming. [laughing and grimacing]

Going way back, to the subject of tampons and plumbing: what happens, is they get snagged on little burrs and such (which NO sewere pipe is totally free of) and accumulate. Then some poor bastard (me, on two occasions, in different homes) has to auger the drain, and pull that mess out of there.

Big Fat Chode's picture

I thought it was funny. If you dont know what a chode is look it up on urbandictionary.com

Big fat chode's picture

I thought the baby at the end with Anal worts was funny too.

Jazzmin's picture

that is really super funny SHIT

crapoooooo's picture


holly's picture

my only question is where is tot 5?

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

You mean TOT 6? I heard a few tidbits that he's working on it. That, or the first Pooper Friends. We'll have to wait and see.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Super Fat Man's picture

I drove all for two hours with the worst case of constipation I had ever had. I had drank a whole bottle of prune juice the night before but it didn't help. SO I am hungry and stop at Hardee resturant. I get a hamburg and before I can even eat it I got to go bad. I barely make it to the stall. I poop my brains out and it is from real bad costipation like a rock to thick dough to super running milk like poop. When I am done to my horror there is no toliet paper in the bathroom to be found anywhere! Both my cheaks are so covered with poop you can't beleave it. So I take my shorts off and wipe my butt and wipe and wipe. Not enought shorts so I take off my t-shirt and finish wiping until every square inch of the white t-shirt is now brown. SO I there is not trash can in the stall but there is a super small one with no lid next to the sink. I deposit them in there and they fill it up and hang out over the rim. I leave and as I exit some old man enters. I am trying to exit the place when I hear. the old man scream at the top of his lungs " HOLY SHIT " . I got out of there and never when back.

The amazing Anus's picture

Super fat man, what the hell has that got to do with T.O.T.?

PS, you need to learn to type.

cosmo's picture

this is fecal genius! You really know your shit.
Speaking as a former worker at a sewage treatment plant (turd herder) you are the scheznick!

may your charmin never be soggy

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