Toilets pepper spring sports news

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When I was a kid, I remember Pittsburgh Pirate Dave Parker went through a slump. This bothered me, as my new, woven-web ball glove came with his autograph; therefore I took notice when his stinky batting caused him to be showered later in right field with items tossed from the upper decks in Cincinnati. Apple cores, cups of beer, and even a transistor battery came close to hitting him, but never a toilet seat, let alone an entire bowl. No, I never heard of someone hitting someone with a toilet bowl at a sporting event until today. And leave it to psychotic soccer fans to up the ante on showering gifts upon hated rival teammates or fans.

Brazilian teams from Santa Cruz and Parana met in a second division match on the second of May, with Santa Cruz hosting. After the match ended in a draw, Parana fans were escorted from the stadium in an attempt to prevent rioting, but all hell broke loose regardless. I did not consider the implications of entire toilet bowls being hurled from a stadium upper deck immediately, not until I wondered where the toilets came from. After all, one does not sneak a toilet bowl into a sports event under his trench coat. Verified by Liberty Voice writer Jose Herrera, wound-up Santa Cruz fans ripped the bowls from their foundations and hurled them onto people outside the stadium. Of the three bowls that were thrown, one hit Paulo Ricardo Gomes de Silva with an estimated 750 pounds of force, killing the 26 year-old instantly.

The World cup will be played in Brazil this year. While I could not give two shits about soccer, I hope the host stadium will have more secure toilets.

In Brazil, the toilet is seen as a weapon; in Japan, however, the toilet is loved, revered for the tushie-pampering wonder that it is. Just ask brand new Yankees pitcher Masahiro Tanaka: he misses the ones that wash his ass When asked about the biggest difference between the United States and Japan, he lamented the lack of bidet capabilities on American toilets above all things. "The washlet is a system in Japan where you press a button and water comes out and washes your ass. Not having that is a big difference."

Toilets in Japan do amazing things, in case you are new to Poopreport and did not know. They have heated seats, are equipped with bidet capabilities, and even can provide modesty noises of running water for demure Japanese women who do not want others to hear them pee (or poop). For Tanaka’s homeland press, the missing bidet capability of our national shitters is big news. In an article from The Japan Times, Tanaka was urged to avoid 15 American “taboos,” including American pillows, piano bars, raw oysters, and American toilets. Install a Toto washlet, they say. You’ll avoid hemorrhoids, they say.

Well, if his dirty little butt is bothering him, he’s not letting it show. His win/loss percentage as of today is 0.833.

Finally, here’s a video of Bob Costas splitting from the broadcast booth, only to return minute later and telling viewers that he had to pee. How I love baseball!

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