Ask Poopreport: How Do I Avoid Pooping On Vacation?

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A shameful pooper is in our midst:

I have a question for tips on holding in poop. I am going on a short, three-day vacation to my friend's house and was wondering if it would be safe for me to hold it in. I normally go every day, but on second day but the urge isn't too bad. Please leave tips. Thanks for your help.

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18 Comments on "Ask Poopreport: How Do I Avoid Pooping On Vacation?"

Anonymous's picture

Why would you hold it in? Grow up.

Anonymous's picture

Grow up. Everyone poops.

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Just poop while you're at your friend's house. Unless he/she lives in a house without a toilet, I don't see the point of holding it in. All that's going to do is make you fart a lot and probably make you constipated. I'd think farting all day in front of your friend would be a lot more embarrassing than taking a crap at their house.

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

Anonymous's picture

I doubt you can go three days without pooping, but pretending that you can...

Begin fasting 18 hours before your vacation begins.

On day one, eat nothing.

On day two, eat nothing until after lunchtime, and then, only enough to quiet the severe hunger pangs you are sure to experience.

On day three, eat normally and just hold it till you get home.

This sounds like a pain in the ass, and will no doubt raise the eyebrows of your hosts. Perhaps, if you are going to be out and about, you could simply use a bathroom at a restaurant or some such.

If not... Here's what you do. Wait until everybody is asleep, grab a dark blanket from the closet, one that is large enough to cover you entirely. Then, sneak into the garage, grab a shovel off the wall, sneak into the backyard, jump the fence into the neighbors yard. hide behind the largest tree. wait five minutes. dig a small hole, do your business, and bury it. Please be very careful not to get poop on anything. Climb back over the fence, replace the shovel, sneak back inside covered in the blanket. Creep downstairs, put the blanket in the washing machine, for despite your best efforts, there will be dirt and grass stains on it. Start up the washer.

If anyone wakes up and asks what you are doing, tell them that you accidentally wet the bed, and rather than risk shaming yourself come morning, you wanted to take responsibility and wash the soiled blanket yourself.

Then begin crying.

One of two things will happen:

One: This family will never invite you anywhere for longer than 12 hours ever again.

Two: The family will be so overwhelmed with pity for you that they continue to invite you on vacation and outfit your sleeping area with plastic sheets, and you will be free to poop anywhere you like.

If number two, you will obviously be responsible for cleaning up your own feces, otherwise the ruse will be blown.

Good luck!

Let us know how things come out!

-snow pea.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Surely your friend poops, and will probably do so while you are staying there. Surely the bathroom door closes, so that whoever uses it will have reasonable privacy. If your friend is really a friend, he or she will understand and forgive the fact that you have to poop. Just do it!

Holding it in can do several things to you, none of them good. Poop when you need to. I doubt seriously that your friend will make any remarks when or after you poop; he or she may not even know you did it. Go ahead!

Anonymous's picture

I have a motto....when its time to go, it's time to go, no matter where you are.

Anonymous's picture

Your holiday will suck if you spend it trying not to poop. All the great things you're supposed to do on a holiday will make you poop, including eating lots of great food and drinking alcohol. If you're a shameful pooper, just poop stealthily. Pick a remote or less-used guest bathroom if available. Or wait to poop late at night or early in the morning when most others are sleeping.

Anonymous's picture

Anonymous on Thu, 01/03/2013 said;

"I have a motto....when its time to go, it's time to go, no matter where you are."

Such a stirring motto, it will probably replace, E Pluribus Unum, Semper Fidelis, Be Prepared, and a dozen other boring examples.

Anonymous's picture

Here's what I used to do when I stayed at my ex-boyfriend's house for the weekend... do it right before you shower. Turn on the shower and the exhaust fan. The sound of the shower and the fan will drown out any noise you make. Then while you're in the shower take your time so any smells have time to dissipate. GOOD LUCK!

Anonymous's picture

Enjoy the poop as it as good as the Lord says. As Jesus said the the holy ghost, "Poop my son so you will enjoy the life of the soft cheese. Fart but no so much as to get the devils due.".

____________________________________

Moderator's comment, I'm sure you are a devout person anonymous but your writing really sucks. You need to study your English very hard before you post in a place where the general public can read your feeble attempts and try to decypher them.

Your bewildered friend,
Chief Thunderbutt

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

They make tools specific to this need. They are called Butt Plugs. I suggest you try one of those.

Also, "food in" implies "crap out". In order to keep food from going down your gullet, I would also suggest a Ball Gag.

One last request. If you should decide to employ this strategy, please take a picture and post here. I think I can speak for everybody on this board that we would really enjoy seeing this done like a professional.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

If the expense of a butt plug is too much for you you might try sticking a corncob up your asshole, with or without the kernels of corn depending on the size of your starfish.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points

A friend's house should be as inviting and willing to accept your poo as your own home does.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Just go in there and shit like there's a mushroom cloud on the horizon. And stop being a baby.

Anonymous's picture

Sitting wiper

Don't hold it in. Look after your bowel, and it will look after you. A good bowel is one of human beings' greatest assets.

You learn when you are a child the time you have the urge.

And don't let it spoil a vacation.
Health comes before pride

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

You are right Anonymous, this morning I was taking my daily dump and glanced down at my bowel. It was peeping up at me with it's big brown eye. I almost choked on the bag of pork skins I was eating. I didn't realize it cared so much for me.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Chief, were you looking at the reflection of your bowel in the water, or are you a lot more limber than you look?

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Use your noggin Mr. Doggin,if I were not extremely flexible how could I get my head up my ass so often?

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

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