Ask Poopreport: Can You Help Me Stop Clogging Toilets


An anonymous lady-ma'am writes in:

I am an athletic girl with average weight, but I can't stop clogging my toilet. It is embarrassing me to make my family plunge it so often. I already do a poop flush and a TP flush, but my poop is just too big. Is there anything I can do that will make it smaller naturally? It's a major embarrassment and I can't get over it.

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16 Comments on "Ask Poopreport: Can You Help Me Stop Clogging Toilets"

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Well, I wish I could help you--but I'm a very small, athletic woman who is also cursed with amazing toilet clogging powers. By chance, do you eat a lot of fiber? I do and I'm fairly sure that's part of why I clog so many pipes. But it's either the plumbing that gets clogged or my colon if I don't eat enough fiber and I'd rather the toilet get clogged than me.

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

ChrisM's picture
l 100+ points

Keep a stick near the john for breaking up the larger ones.

The ChrisM virus is incompatible with your current operating system. Your system will now be rebooted into DOS and return to the virus.

Anonymous's picture

Bet it smells good. You should use my toilet!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Have an old kitchen knife with you--perhaps a fork as well to hold the pieces to make them easier to cut--so you can break up the turds before trying the flush. I'm assuming it's the thickness and solidity of the poop that is the problem, rather than the length. It may take a few minutes to break the stuff up, but any decent toilet is made to dispose of a pretty good amount of poop at one time, so if you make the cut-up pieces small enough, it should all go down.

You need not (should not) try to change your pooping habits unless you are semi-constipated and are holding your poop for more than a day; in that case, more fiber could lead to more frequent and smaller (though still likely large) stools. You have to be careful in taking extra fiber, though; you need to drink enough water to make the poop easy to pass and not constipate yourself further.

If your only problem is the thickness and size of your turds, the answer is to cut them up, not (unless you're constipated) to try to modify your movements. Let us know how things turn out.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

I suggest Dysentery or Cholera. That should soften your turds nicely.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Try removing the toilet and shit directly into the sewer pipe. Just be sure to consult with a licensed plumber first. You wouldn't want to violate any building codes.

Anonymous's picture

Wow, you sound like me. I am 6ft 4" tall female bodybuilder nurse from Cramlington. I only poop on public toilets as my poo is always rather large and too wide and heavy to flush out the toilet bowl. I am proud of my gift as I can use it on other people's toilets when they upset me.

Anonymous's picture

Large ones aren't healthy. Check

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear anonymous, I checked out the URL you listed above and you are partially correct. Large BMs that are a result of constipation are not good for you. However, if your logs are exceptionally large because you eat a high fiber diet then you are probably a very healthy person.

There is a direct correlation between the amount that goes in at the top and what comes out at the bottom. The fiber a person eats absorbs water, making the feces bigger and softer.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Anonymous's picture

Try placing a kitchen strainer (not the one used in your kitchen) in the toilet. Lift the seat first and let the strainer it rest in the water. Poop until you can poo no more. Grab a trash can (w/a bag in it) and dump it. Wash strainer w/bleach - ready for next poo.

Anonymous's picture

That's right chop them turds up. I've got the same problem. You've got to cut those turds into multiple pieces.

Anonymous's picture

Seriously people, suppose you are going at work? Suggesting your employer have a stick available is rather embarrassing.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

Dear Anonymous,

If you are going at work your employer probably wishes you weren't and would prefer paying you for working rather than for shitting. On the other hand most employers I have ever had have also been shitters and would probably understand.

Pinching a daily loaf is a common human thing and nothing to be embarrassed about, it is done by both royalty and the hoi polloi alike although we peasants probably extrude more odorous logs thanks to our course diet.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Anonymous's picture

If you have a cat then poop in its box and clean it right away then throw it outside

Anonymous's picture

I'm an average weight female and somewhat active person. I too have been struggling for years with the embarrassment of clogging up the family toilet. My poop tended to be thick regardless of what I ate. Stool softeners didn't help much and did not make bathroom sessions more comfortable. I ended up dreading every time I had to go number 2 but more recently I have come up with a solution, not the best but it has saved me from many clogged toilet situations.

This does involve breaking up the big pieces but less messy and with nothing to wash. What I do is make sure I keep some scrap letter sized paper and doggy poop bags in the bathroom. When I end up with poop that I know is too big, I take one of the sheets of paper, fold it in half and then roll it into a stick. Break up the large pieces and then dispose of the "stick" in a doggy poop bag. Wet paper will also soften up and less chance it will puncture the bag. Nothing to wash and you can secretly throw out the poop bag.

Anonymous's picture

Heck, get in there with the right hand fingers and beak up that monster cause you have to wash your hands anyway--might as well make it worthwhile. Use left hand to flush, turn on water in sink, grab soap and get 'er done!

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