Ask PoopReport: Stall-Clearing Tactic


Someone whose child may or may not be a future Poopreporter wrote in this weekend with a question that made me laugh out loud in spite of myself:

Last night my daughter told me that she goes to great lengths to make people leave a public bathroom if she wants to poop, because she hates pooping to “an audience.”

”Sometimes I see feet in the stall next to mine. If I have to crap, I grunt real loud before I start,” she said to me. “But if that doesn’t work, then I start slapping the inside of my thigh and begin to groan, like this...” When she gave me a demonstration, my face turned red! She told me kids call this “fapping,” and it’s a fool-proof way to make most people leave an adjacent restroom stall. Is my teenager a freak or does anyone else’s kid do this?

For the life of me, I never considered mimicking masturbation to clear out a public restroom!

The question and accompanying situation begs discussion as to whether or not this young lady is a shameful shitter. We can stretch doniker’s iconic definition of the shameful shitter to one who does not want to draw attention to him or herself when taking a crap, someone who is ashamed to poop in public; however, the mother’s description of the conversation between her and her daughter alludes to the fact that the kid poops in public often, and that she is in no way shy. We can assume quite the opposite, in fact: she is comfortable drawing attention to herself, even when she does so to vacate her immediate pooping vicinity.

What do you think, poopers? Is this kid shameful, obnoxious, genius, or all three?

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5 Comments on "Ask PoopReport: Stall-Clearing Tactic"

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

It kind of begs the question: how do women maturbate? I always thought the expression was to "rub one out", not "slap one out". Am I missing something here?

I think I'm going to try that on Da Missus tonight. If I live to see tomorrow, I'll let you know how it turned out.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

I think that I would prefer to let the feet in the adjoining stall know that I was extruding a grogan rather than trying to delude them into thinking I was choking the chicken; i.e., bopping my bologna, beating my meat, pounding the pudding, jerking or jacking off, whacking my weenie, pulling my pud, etc, etc, etc.

Being a curious fellow if I heard someone indulging in the sin of Onan in an adjoining stall I think I would hang around just to see what kind of weirdo was in there.

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

To answer Anon's question, "Is my teenager a freak or does anyone else’s kid do this?", you don't have to think too long or too hard about this one. Think back to when you were your daughter's age. Even if the thought had occurred to you to "punch one out" in order to evacuate the crapper, would you have done it? I suspect not, and I doubt the reason that you wouldn't have done it was because you didn't want to inconvenience your fellow patrons of the bog. Most likely, your reason would have something to do with embarassment about having someone think that you are a freak because you masturbate in public bathrooms. When you think about it, is anyone who has sex in a bathroom either alone or with a partner is a freak. That is, unless you are a homosexual, in which case you are a Protected Class and can't be discriminated against.

So, in short, if you suspect that your child is a freak, then well, she probably is a freak.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Ok, I'll be honest. I wouldn't be deterred from using a bathroom if I heard another woman getting off in the next stall. I would just do my thing and tune out the groaning. That being said, I also don't mind being in the bathroom when other people are pooping. Sure, it smells, but hey, everyone does it. It's not like you're going to have to smell it the whole day or anything.

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

I often carry a bowling ball when I travel for just this occasion. After about 5 minutes of blood curdling screams, I drop the ball into the toilet from about 3 feet. Not only is the bathroom cleared out, but often an entire terminal.

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