The Universe According To Carl

j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Carl Sagan's Cosmic Calendar neatly places events from The Big Bang Theory through the present within a calendar year. Each month represents a little over a billion years. A short chronology follows:

  1. January first. The Big Bang occurs at midnight.

  • May first. "Star stuff" presents a Milky Way. Future laborers take note.
  • September ninth through the 14th. The Star stuff continues in its fury, helping shape and evolve the formation of several mysterious spheres around a star. This is our solar system. In due time, one of those spheres will help keep poop grounded. It shall be named Mother Earth.
  • September 25th. Itsy-bitsy teenie-weenie life forms appear.
  • November first. Despite Earth's hydrogen-rich atmosphere, microorganisms start getting it on. My guess is they were pooping as well.
  • December first. Oxygen pushes hydrogen further out as plant life flourishes.
  • December 16th. Worm crap everywhere.
  • December 24th through the 28th. Dinosaurs unleash 160 million years worth of unfathomable shit storms on earth. They disappear soon after.
  • December 30th. Vine-swinging, shit-throwing primates make their debut.
  • 10:30 p.m. on December 31st. The ancestry lines of Dave, prarie doggin, Daphne, MSG, and Thunderbutt were leaving their first poop imprints. Human history begins in the final seconds of the twenty-third hour. The present is the first second on New Year's Day.
  • If the above perspective isn't mind-blowing enough, swallow some of this Cosmic Calendar fodder:

    • Granting a 67 year life expectancy, a human life lasts approximately .15 seconds.

  • 44 years of ass-reeking havoc from the thin brown line clocks in at under .099 seconds.
  •'s twelve year cyberspace time is approximately .027 seconds old.
  • An hour-long shitting event lasts .00000026 seconds.
  • A one minute ass blast lasts .000000004 seconds.
  • With "billions and billions" of information to ponder, WHO HAS TIME TO SHIT?

    10 Comments on "The Universe According To Carl"

    Butt of the Joke's picture
    l 100+ points

    Definitely NOT Carl.He was too busy creating this calendar.BOOM!(That was my mind being blown.)
    More people flush than they do wash their hands.

    More people flush than they do wash their hands.

    coachb12's picture

    Could you imagine the size of a brontosaurus or t rex shit?

    MSG's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

    In the movie 'Jurassic Park' the pretty young biologist examines a fresh pile of T-Rex poop that's about as tall as she is; she uses a stick or probe to check inside the mound.

    Nice perspective on this article. I'm so glad my ancestors rated a mention.

    Thunderbox's picture
    PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

    Maybe if it wasn`t for the enormous amount of huge dinosaur turds over those 160 million years or so, we wouldn`t have been able to cultivate the land and live off it today.

    The voice of sanity

    Bronto Soreass's picture

    The dinosaurs are coming back and we love our KFC.Kentucky Fried Caucasians.Finger licking good.

    Frank Benway's picture
    l 100+ points

    Deep thought time- when you spend money at an expensive restaurant, what you're really buying is a load of feces. It's not a good investment. Carl Sagan is a shill for NASA, he co- opted and sold out any official public interest in UFO's by backing the ridiculous and wasteful SETI antenna. As if aliens used radio signals. That's like primitive man looking for us by listening for whistles and looking for smoke signals.

    Anonymous Coward's picture

    Why couldn't an ET civilization have used radio? Physics is physics, and any signal found today would likely have been transmitted milennia ago. Just sayin'.

    MSG's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

    Frank--you're right--today's feast yields tomorrow's feces. The best meal ever consumed had its destiny as a drop from the rear end soon thereafter. Minor exceptions: (1) It might yield today's feces if you ate something irritating or stimulating; (2) It might take more than a day if your system has a slow transit time. Aside from that, it is as I say: Today's feast yields tomorrow's feces. It is how the body works.

    the thin brown line's picture
    j 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

    Distress signals from my smokin' ass have led many to ponder weather I'm of human orgin.

    Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

    Deja Poo's picture
    Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

    Have you ever noticed how the spirals of our galaxy, the Milky Way, uncannily resembles the swirl of the water in the bowl during a flush?
    Yo quiero Taco Bell.

    Yo quiero Taco Bell.

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