Shoving A Bottle Up Your Butt: A Case Study
This afternoon I answered an email from a young man who was worried to death about the amount of rectal bleeding he was experiencing over the course of this last week. Why people write to us about such potentially serious issues used to confuse me. I would not write to a poop humor site about something so serious, but as the years have passed I feel I understand why others do: People are often ashamed to go to the doctor when the problem involves their ass or poop.
Now when I respond to these people, I try my very best to make sure the ones with the potentially serious symptoms will visit a doctor. Since we are low on material this week, I figured I would share one of the points I make with these people. "Doctors have seen much worse things than your butt hole," I will say, and I will send them a link or two to sites or pages of actual medical cases where someone has presented to the ER with something stuck in his or her butt. Yes, we are talking about the dreaded rectal foreign body.
"What?" you might be saying. "What could someone possibly shove up his or her butt?" Well, let me tell you. Barbie dolls, cucumbers, zucchinis (actually, all sorts of produce, but to date no watermelon), pens, pencils, cement (!), and the ubiquitous glass bottle.
In case you are incredulous, let us look at a case from the Saudi Journal of Gastroenterology, "Case of Unusual Foreign Body in the Rectum", dated in April of 2009 and authored by Murtaza A. Akhtar and Pooja K. Arora. (I think Pooja is an awesome name for a doctor co-authoring an article about a butt issue, don't you agree?)
The article details the misfortune of one 44 year-old male who showed up at a medical health facility with a bottle in his ass. He reported that he had done this many times before for "sexual gratification," but this time the bottle went a bit too north, and he was unable to retrieve it by himself. An X-ray was ordered, and as you can see at the bottom of this story, the bottle was indeed stuck in his rectum. Worse, it was fat-end down. And with this fact the problem presented to the medical team attending him of how to remove it. The doctor could not turn it around to face open-end down because the bottle was too large. They were having a hard time trying to get "up in there" and grab it, as well. The only actions left to take were either to go in for surgery via a laparotomy (large incision in the abdominal wall in order to reach the abdominal cavity) or to send the patient to the moon on muscle relaxers, stretch his anal sphincters open, and shove a pair of forceps up into his butt, grab the bottle, and pull it out. The team opted for the second action first, putting the patient in a lithotomy position (the "put your feet in the stirrups ... this won't hurt a bit" position) and getting to work.
The medical team was successful, and after a short examination, they found that the patient had no major tears. The actual wording of the report states "as patient was habitual pervert, no major anal tears were noticed." In colloquial terms, the guy was such a butt freak that his ass was stretched the fuck out, and so was not hampered by having not only a large bottle, but also a pair of forceps, shoved into it. Finally, the doctor referred the man to Psychiatry for some counseling to prevent any future incidences.
Besides detailing the intrusive assault on Patient X's back side, the article listed foreign objects that people had been recorded as having shoved up their butts: plastic or glass bottles, cucumbers, carrots, wooden or rubber objects, a light bulb, a flash light, a broomstick, and various vibrators. The sharper objects were not inserted for sexual pleasure, but rather in an attempt to break up fecal impactions. You know ... hard, constipating poop. The usual suspect of butt-filling behavior is male and ranges in age from 16 to 80 years of age. The younger patients do so for sexual pleasure, and the older patients do so to break up hard poop and to massage their prostates, the latter of which could be attributed to sexual pleasure as well.
So there you have it. This is what I end up discussing with some stranger via email over the internet about once a week. Usually this tactic works, too, for once someone realizes that doctors deal with bottles, carrots, and cucumbers, a little blood or a hemorrhoid do not see so embarrassing anymore.
Of course if someone emails me because he shoved a bottle up his butt, well, then I will have to think of something else to tell the poor person....
X-ray from "Rectal Foreign Body" article, Saudi J Gastroenterol, v(15)2, April, 2009