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POOP OF THE YEAR

We've got five finalists for the best poop story of 2008. Cast your vote now!


NEW CRAP

POOP AT THE OFFICE
Re: Staff Restroom
 A memo you don't want to receive.
------ posted 1.5.2009 by corvus (10)

ASK POOPREPORT
Ask PoopReport: The Toilet Of 2019
 Is this the one technology that's reached its peak?
------ posted 1.2.2009 by Dan (48)


The 2008 Poop Report Of The Year
 Vote for the best of a crappy year.
------ posted 1.1.2009 by Dave (11762)

STORIES ABOUT POOP
Spiritual Hersheys
 Awaken to the joy!
------ posted 12.30.2008 by Mark E (24)

STORIES ABOUT POOP
Fishing With(out) John
 A love story in one movement.
------ posted 12.29.2008 by Squat-n-leaveit (238)


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Bobbies expect local shoppers to plod through it

------ posted 12.29.2008 by daphne
The Preston Police Force in Lancashire, United Kingdom, upped its numbers for the holiday shopping season by adding five mounted police to the regular shift number. One would think such buttressing of protective supervision would be appreciated by the locals across the board; it's instead become the topic of debate. The reason? The police don’t think that they have to clean up after their horses.

Former Mayor Bill Tyson is among those who believe the police are in the wrong for leaving the horses' droppings behind them. He stated that the thoroughfares of Fishergate were left covered in "half a ton of muck" during the mounted officers' stint, resulting in many of the shoppers "kicking off" (British slang for expressing negative opinion or protesting).

The police responded that the trade-off of cleanliness for safety was one worth paying. Preston Police Inspector Jill Halliwell even went so far as to add that "Horse dung is just recycled grass. There is no disease carried in it and it just washes away."

This is an interesting topic of dissension to me. On one hand, we have shoppers who'd appreciate more police, especially if those police are sitting on animals that can run down purse snatchers. We also have business owners who have opined that the mounted police presence makes them feel safe. On the other hand we have shoppers who might be wearing shoes that cost four hundred pounds, shoes branded by YSL or Manolo Blahnik. We might see businessmen wearing their best suits, only to gaze down and find the cuff of their best brushed wool is caked in horse shit. Who's going to cover that dry cleaning bill? And why is that same businessman reminded to pick up after his Springer Spaniel lest he be awarded a fine?

Personally, I find it irrational for the police to spend the extra money to put five mounted police on patrol, full well knowing there is going to be poop underfoot, when not a bit extra for an hourly street cleaner will be spared. After all, these are the same police who would gladly ticket you for leaving Fido’s doodoo next to their mounts’ road apples.

Whether or not the poop in question is partially-digested hay, I’d be upset if I stepped in it during a day of holiday shopping. I would have most likely taken the time to dress nicely and probably prepared for a day out of shopping and eating. Any plans I might have had for lunching at a swank new restaurant would be shot down once I found my feet and ankles splattered in muck.

Do you think the police in this case should pick up after their horses? Do you think the citizens upset about it are whining? Do you think it would have been worth the extra money for the city to put a few pooper scoopers out and about? Tell us, PoopReporters: how would you react if this happened in your downtown area?

18 comments | read more


POOP OF THE WEEK

I had just had surgery on my abdomen and was spending a few days in the hospital to recover. I was sick of hospital food and begged my boyfriend to bring me some M&M's.

My boyfriend came through like a champ: instead of the normal, human-sized bag of M&M's that I was expecting, he brings me the biggest bag of peanut M&M's that are made. And, being bored in the hospital watching TV in between my Demeral-induced hazes, I managed to consume the whole bag!

The nurse had warned me that I had to pass gas or have a bowel movement before I could go home. Well, I neither passed gas nor pooped, so the nurse somehow gave me a suppository while I was out of it.

When I came to, I noticed how wonderfully warm everything was from the waist down. Then, snapping back to reality, I reached down by my thigh and felt my hand sink into warm, peanuty poo.

It was disgusting. And the nurses were glad to see me go.

-- posted 1.5.2009 by Amy

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SHITS HAPPILY IN THE SHADOWS (NYC)
SHITS is an energetic, cracker-jack freelance writer and editor. She has a BA from a major, nationally-ranked university. She also has a background in government, which means that she is able to deal with all kinds of shit and shit flinging. She's a hard-working little shit, and is willing to work below the industry rate (read: cheap!) in order to garner more experience, and will provide prompt feedback.

FECAL FOLLIES (TENNESSEE)
Fecal Follies is a freelance fiber artist. She's debating whether or not to list some experimental key rings that unexpectedly resembled curling turds. She delights in producing custom orders through Etsy's Alchemy process, and will be more than happy to crochet you that shades-of-brown afghan that you've always wanted to have in your living room. Mention this site when ordering and you'll receive a free gift. (No, not THAT -- she doesn't want the Postal Poop Inspectors at her door!)

POOPMATIC (SOUTH CAROLINA)
Poopmatic is a freelance illustrator, specializing in cartoons, caricatures, and humorous illustrations. He's also been adding his talent to this very site! When asked about freelance work, Poopmatic exclaimed, "Hire me now before the trees get me!" His rates are reasonable and so is his talent. You can see all his crap at mikepaglia.com. Mention this site and he'll do a special drawing just for you!

PILL POOPER (CENTRAL/SOUTHERN NEW JERSEY)
Specializing in high-end home and mobile audio/video systems, Pill Pooper has over nine years of in-the-field experience with all types of low-voltage systems -- including security, home audio, whole house audio, intercoms and pretty much anything electronic. He does residential as well as commercial installations. Pill Pooper is fully insured and offers sales, service, and troubleshooting. Free estimates! (And when he's on site, he promises to treat your toilet with the utmost respect.)

ASS PHLEGM (WOONSOCKET, RI)
If you've bought a PoopReport T-shirt, you've already helped support Ass Phlegm in his time of need. If not, you should buy a shirt-- or, better yet, give Ass Phlegm a job. A graphic designer experienced with all the major programs, plus all sorts of old-fashioned artforms, Ass Phlegm's got 15 years experience bringing ideas from concept to final product. He designed the lovely PoopReport t-shirts, but that's not paying the bills... so any work in Rhode Island or anywhere else in the world would be enthusiastically embraced.

DAPHNE (TACOMA)
I work with animals, and I mean real animals. Big dogs and cats, sure. And I have picked up after hawks, owls, all songbirds, pigeons, cats, dogs, a bobcat once, groundhogs, rats, raccoons, opossums, and ducks. I can handle protection dogs as well. You name it -- if it poops, I've cleaned up after it. And I have done wildlife rehab, and I am looking to get a grooming license soon. Anyone in the Tacoma area, email me. I work,and animals really like me, and I know poop.

CRAPOLA (NYC)
Crapola is a personal trainer and fitness instructor certified by the American College of Sports Medicine and the American Council on Exercise. She's certified in Pilates and aquatics too. And, prenatal, postnatal, and senior exercise. She never has and never will work in a gym. She comes to you, or you come to her, or maybe you meet her in the park for a great outdoor workout.

Her rates are reasonable, by NYC standards. That means cheaper than what Madonna pays, but more expensive than a session at your neighborhood meat market. She's internationally recognized in the fitness industry, but doesn't feel like bragging to fellow PoopReporters :-) Shameful & shameless OK.



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