NEW CRAP

STORIES ABOUT POOP
Reveille
The best part of waking up...
------ posted 7.25.2008 by G Ras (162)

FUN WITH FECES
You Go Girls
Ewww. Wait -- how much? Hmm... no, ewww.
------ posted 7.24.2008 by Artful Dodger (322)

STORIES ABOUT POOP
Fish Food
For years, the oceans have been used as a sewer. Why stop now?
------ posted 7.23.2008 by FoodCanoes (10)

ASK POOPREPORT
Ask PoopReport: Why So Smearious?
(Yes, I saw Batman this weekend.)
------ posted 7.22.2008 by Bonser (10)

POOPING HEALTH
involuntary anus contractions
Some possible causes of extreme anal discomfort brought on by physical and/or emotional stress.
------ posted 7.21.2008 by Motherload (1057)


POOP OF THE WEEK
THIS DAY IN POOPREPORT HISTORY
POOPREPORT JOB BOARD

SUBSCRIBE TO POOPNEWS

Stories about poop. Essays about poop. Consumer reports about poop. Comics about poop. It's all here on PoopReport.com. But if that's not enough, then get PoopNews -- delivering quasi-monthly news and email-exclusive poop content right to your inbox. Subscribe today!

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POOP OF THE WEEK

Diets can be hell on the bum. A few years back, I was on a strange diet -- a mostly liquid one. One way we could have solid food was to make things like "pizza" (ha!) or "chicken patties" (as if!) with the disgusting liquid powder, water, and that danger to all bung holes: oat bran.

I was also into walking my dog a lot. As in six miles a day from my house. One lovely afternoon Toby and I took our hike, admiring the deer and bunnies, when suddenly I felt something akin to an elevator dropping down a twenty-foot shaft. My gut screamed and my ass clenched, trying to contain the carnage on its floor. There was no way I was going to make it home.

So I ran for the bushes and proceeded to have an enormous, messy attack of wet shits like you would not believe. I had to use grass to wipe my ass. And then, the damn dog started eating the crap! That made me barf. So I got it at both ends.

Moral of the story: Never trust someone who gives you recipes full of oat bran, unless you want to shit al fresco and feed a dog.

-- posted 7.21.2008 by buscuitsburner

Archived Poops Of The Week

THIS DAY IN POOPREPORT HISTORY: July 25

STORIES ABOUT POOP
The Shitman's Letter
A confession/apology/goodbye notice.
------ posted 7.25.2007 by the_shitman (10)

TECHNIQUES
The Bucket System
You gotta put your poop somewhere...
------ posted 7.25.2006 by turd banned it (52)

BMNEWSWIRE
Japan's high-tech toilets take their toll
------ posted 7.25.2006 by Dave (11559)

STORIES ABOUT POOP
Stairway To Hell
------ posted 7.24.2005 by Meanbastard (16)

STORIES ABOUT POOP
On The Road
------ posted 7.24.2003 by Luckyjay (15)

BMNEWSWIRE
The $78,000 doo-doo -- men swallow diamonds
------ posted 7.25.2002 by Hershey Squirts (647)

BMNEWSWIRE
A loo with a view
------ posted 7.25.2002 by Hershey Squirts (647)

BMNEWSWIRE
Pigs fly, and shit hits the man
------ posted 7.25.2002 by Hershey Squirts (647)

THE POOPREPORT JOB BOARD

Are you an employer? Hire a PoopReporter! We're capable, we're dedicated, and we've got a great sense of humor. If nothing else, we'll talk about your company bathroom on this site.

---

SHITS HAPPILY IN THE SHADOWS (NYC)
SHITS is an energetic, cracker-jack freelance writer and editor. She has a BA from a major, nationally-ranked university. She also has a background in government, which means that she is able to deal with all kinds of shit and shit flinging. She's a hard-working little shit, and is willing to work below the industry rate (read: cheap!) in order to garner more experience, and will provide prompt feedback.

FECAL FOLLIES (TENNESSEE)
Fecal Follies is a freelance fiber artist. She's debating whether or not to list some experimental key rings that unexpectedly resembled curling turds. She delights in producing custom orders through Etsy's Alchemy process, and will be more than happy to crochet you that shades-of-brown afghan that you've always wanted to have in your living room. Mention this site when ordering and you'll receive a free gift. (No, not THAT -- she doesn't want the Postal Poop Inspectors at her door!)

POOPMATIC (SOUTH CAROLINA)
Poopmatic is a freelance illustrator, specializing in cartoons, caricatures, and humorous illustrations. He's also been adding his talent to this very site! When asked about freelance work, Poopmatic exclaimed, "Hire me now before the trees get me!" His rates are reasonable and so is his talent. You can see all his crap at mikepaglia.com. Mention this site and he'll do a special drawing just for you!

PILL POOPER (CENTRAL/SOUTHERN NEW JERSEY)
Specializing in high-end home and mobile audio/video systems, Pill Pooper has over nine years of in-the-field experience with all types of low-voltage systems -- including security, home audio, whole house audio, intercoms and pretty much anything electronic. He does residential as well as commercial installations. Pill Pooper is fully insured and offers sales, service, and troubleshooting. Free estimates! (And when he's on site, he promises to treat your toilet with the utmost respect.)

ASS PHLEGM (WOONSOCKET, RI)
If you've bought a PoopReport T-shirt, you've already helped support Ass Phlegm in his time of need. If not, you should buy a shirt-- or, better yet, give Ass Phlegm a job. A graphic designer experienced with all the major programs, plus all sorts of old-fashioned artforms, Ass Phlegm's got 15 years experience bringing ideas from concept to final product. He designed the lovely PoopReport t-shirts, but that's not paying the bills... so any work in Rhode Island or anywhere else in the world would be enthusiastically embraced.

DAPHNE (TACOMA)
I work with animals, and I mean real animals. Big dogs and cats, sure. And I have picked up after hawks, owls, all songbirds, pigeons, cats, dogs, a bobcat once, groundhogs, rats, raccoons, opossums, and ducks. I can handle protection dogs as well. You name it -- if it poops, I've cleaned up after it. And I have done wildlife rehab, and I am looking to get a grooming license soon. Anyone in the Tacoma area, email me. I work,and animals really like me, and I know poop.

CRAPOLA (NYC)
Crapola is a personal trainer and fitness instructor certified by the American College of Sports Medicine and the American Council on Exercise. She's certified in Pilates and aquatics too. And, prenatal, postnatal, and senior exercise. She never has and never will work in a gym. She comes to you, or you come to her, or maybe you meet her in the park for a great outdoor workout.

Her rates are reasonable, by NYC standards. That means cheaper than what Madonna pays, but more expensive than a session at your neighborhood meat market. She's internationally recognized in the fitness industry, but doesn't feel like bragging to fellow PoopReporters :-) Shameful & shameless OK.

THE SHAMELESS SHITTING MANIFESTO

The Shameless Shitting Manifesto
This is a seminal moment for PoopReport: the Brown Revolution has begun.

The Book Of The Shameless
Inscribe your name and pledge eternal commitment to the doctrine of Shameless Shitting.